


you keep eternity

by merlypops



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Bad Parenting, Barista Ashton, Best Friends, Betrayal, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Bullying, Car Accidents, Cheating, Coma, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fire, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, High School, Homophobia, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Parent(s), Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Meet-Cute, Mentioned Drug Overdose, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mildly Dubious Consent (hinted at), Minor Character Death, Neglect, One Night Stands, Panic Attacks, Permanent Injury, Physical Abuse, Protectiveness, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Smoking, Smut, Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-05-17 01:05:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 77,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5847880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘This was like the whole ‘meet-cute’ thing in a film, Ashton realised suddenly. This was how they'd met… with a dramatic rainy night and a motorbike accident, and sparkling blue eyes that were deep enough to fall into.<br/>“You’re the guy who called the ambulance,” the stranger said and his pale face was beautiful beneath his soft blond hair. “Thanks for that. You know, you’re a lot prettier than I remember."<br/>Ashton’s heart tried to beat right out of his chest.<br/>“Not being covered in blood suits you,” Ashton said stupidly.’</p><p>
  <b>Luke crashes into Ashton's life like a shooting star, Calum shows Michael that he's still beautiful, and maybe things don't feel so dark anymore.</b>
</p><p>Based on “Planetary (GO!)” by My Chemical Romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bullets

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I've been planning this fic for a good six or so months now and it feels crazy good to finally start uploading it!  
> I hope you guys will like it <3

Four times that morning, Ashton wondered if his watch was broken. The seconds were scraping by so painfully slowly that his hour-long physics lesson seemed to take a decade. The sheet of lined paper in front of him was blank and there was no chance of the sixteen year old jotting any notes down later – every word his teacher said went in one ear and out the other.

If combination circuits came up in their final exam, Ashton was screwed.

He was way too tired to concentrate today anyway really. He’d spend most of the morning trying to avoid getting shoved face-first into the lockers between his classes again, and last night had been spent finishing an essay analysing Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon’s poetry which would make up a third of his final grade.

To make matters worse, Ashton had to work a shift at the coffee shop tonight too. He liked the people – his boss was nice and so was the other barista, as well as their regular customers – but Ashton wouldn’t have been working at _all_ if he’d had any say in the matter. His mum insisted that he saved all of his wages for college, said it was a good idea – that it was ‘what was best for him’ – and it didn’t seem to matter to Anne Irwin that her son had no desire to go to college. Once Ashton’s mother had made her mind up about something, that was that, whether he liked it or not.

Ashton was glaring out of the window now, watching as raindrops the size of bullets pounded against the glass. They rolled swiftly down the fingerprint-smeared surface like tears as the overcast sky churned overhead, threatening to storm. The weather in Sydney had been dreary lately and it showed no signs of ceasing.

“Bloody hate this weather,” a soft voice mumbled from nearby and there was a low murmur of assent. Ashton jerked upright, blinking sleepily beneath the too-bright light strips on the ceiling of their classroom as his gaze settled on his two best friends.

Calum had spoken. He was a good few months younger than Ashton and good-looking in a comfortable, unassuming way that unfortunately many people tended to overlook. His sweet-smelling dark hair curled around his ears and his dark eyes were the colour of chocolate as he scowled out of the window wearily.

It was fifth period already and everyone was tired. Their exhaustion saturated the classroom like a thick fog, settling over them like a blanket and gradually lulling them all to sleep. Their teacher was still speaking monotonously, so caught up in the lecture that Ashton was quite sure they could all sneak out and the old man would neither notice nor be deterred from continuing with his spiel.

“ _La météo est de la merde_ ,” Harry muttered scathingly from Calum’s other side and Ashton snorted a quiet laugh even as Calum looked up in confusion.

“You what?” he hissed, still unused to Harry occasionally dropping back into his native French whenever he was tired or irritated.

“I said the weather is _awful_ ,” the older boy explained quietly after a moment, his accent thick and his green eyes tired beneath his long, wavy brown hair.

“ _C’est merde_ ,” Ashton agreed with a terrible attempt at a French accent and Harry’s lips tugged up into a weak smile. Their teacher was still droning on though and a quiet groan escaped Ashton as he dropped his head into his hands. He was _far_ too tired for this. Ashton tried to muffle his yawn in his hands but it came out a bit like he was dying and Calum snorted with quiet laughter beside him, patting the older boy comfortingly on the shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Harry whispered and his green eyes became concerned when the curly-haired boy looked up at him, hazel eyes tired. Harry had moved from France with his family last year and it still shocked Ashton just how well the older boy had settled in… and how quickly Ashton and Calum had accepted him. The pair of them had kind of _always_ been outcasts; the other kids had taken an instant dislike to shy and quiet Ashton the moment he’d changed school halfway through his second year, and Calum had tarred himself with the same brush by sticking up for Ashton on his first day when he’d caught some of the older students picking on the smaller boy by his new locker.

It had pretty much been history repeating itself when Harry showed up because he was viewed as too weird – too _different_ – and it actually sucked that nobody had given him a chance because Ashton thought Harry was so cool. His clothes were amazing and he was one of the best photographers either of them had ever seen (second only to Calum’s older sister’s boyfriend who was literally the best _ever_ ).

It probably didn’t help that Ashton, Calum and Harry were all gay either. The kids at their school _sucked_ and it wasn’t fair. It was the twenty first century and yet people still tried to ‘solve’ anything they didn’t understand with their fists. It was actually fucking ridiculous.

“I’m fine, Harry,” Ashton promised and, from beside them, Calum’s expression became sceptical. Apparently Ashton’s irritation was evident on his face.

“I _am_!” he insisted, probably too loudly but whatever… their teacher wasn’t exactly going to notice. Someone threw a balled-up bit of paper at the back of his head and Ashton gritted his teeth, refusing to turn around as his two best friends glared angrily. “I just remembered I have to work tonight; that’s all,” Ashton muttered, shoulders hunching as he tensed up. “I’m not exactly looking forward to it.”

“Then call in sick,” Calum said helpfully, making Harry shoot him a scandalised look. Both of them were trying too hard to act normal now and it was only putting the curly-haired boy even _more_ on edge.

“Don’t do that, Ashton! I’ll walk you there – we can share my umbrella.”

Ashton scowled at Harry for a long, _long_ time.

“You just want to walk me there so you can say hi to Louis,” he said accusingly and the older boy tried hard not to smile but the twinkling of his soft green eyes gave him away.

“Guilty as charged,” he said, dimples creasing his cheeks. Ashton had dimples too, and Calum. That seemed like a weird coincidence somehow. Actually, Ashton didn’t have a clue why he was thinking about something as stupid as that. _Clearly_ this lesson was melting his brain… or maybe it was just because of how many times his head had hit a locker in the last few weeks.

“Anyway, can you _blame_ me for wanting to see Louis?” Harry asked fairly and Ashton’s lips twitched as he elbowed the older boy lightly in the ribs.

Louis was Ashton’s boss. He was smaller than Ashton even though he was a good few years older and his bright blue eyes always seemed to be twinkling, like he knew something he shouldn’t.

“At least Louis knows you _exist_ ,” Calum said mournfully, letting out a quiet little sigh and burying his head in his folded arms. Ashton patted his dark hair gently but it probably wasn’t too much comfort to the younger boy.

Calum had had a crush on Michael Clifford for almost two years now but Ashton was fairly certain that the older student didn’t even know Calum _existed_. The dark-haired boy was overlooked just like Ashton had thought earlier and it was actually so unfair because Calum was so _kind_ – he deserved so much better.

“It could still happen one day, Cal,” Ashton said and he was trying to be reassuring but his voice sounded as tired as he _felt_. “Don’t give up.”

*

The rest of the day passed in a blur of rain and too much homework. Someone tried to push Ashton when he was collecting the textbooks he would need for his homework from his locker but Harry stepped in the way, taking the brunt of it. Ashton still bit his tongue when the older boy got barged into him though and he could taste blood in his mouth when the school bell finally rang, signifying that it was time to march through the rain to the coffee shop.

Calum had gone home now but Harry loped along beside Ashton just like he said he would, dimples dancing in his cheeks. Harry smiled cheerfully at the sixteen year old when Ashton looked up at him and the curly-haired boy grumbled under his breath, seriously considering elbowing Harry into a puddle except he was wearing nice new leather shoes and he probably wouldn’t thank his best friend for destroying them.

“Stop smiling so much,” Ashton complained, giving Harry his best glare as he heaved his heavy backpack further onto his shoulder. Rolling his eyes fondly, Harry stole it and carried it for him. “But thanks,” Ashton muttered. He was watching the older boy carefully, taking in the light that always seemed to be dancing in his green eyes. “Why don’t you ask Louis out for coffee? Or blow jobs or something? They call that ‘ _speaking French_ ’, don’t they?” Ashton teased.

“You horrible boy,” Harry said, words heavily-accented and thick like he was trying to suppress his smile. “I am going to _romance_ , Louis!”

“You mean you’re going to stand there, go bright red, and then trip over your own feet when you try to say hello to him?” Ashton asked blandly and Harry gave him his best wounded look, hand over his heart although he didn’t make the smaller boy carry his own bag again.

“Be nice, Ashton!” Harry said but Ashton just stuck his tongue out at him.

He wasn’t feeling very nice today.

Harry only stayed at the coffee shop for long enough to ascertain that Louis wasn’t there – apparently the twenty two year old was out buying milk and Harry looked so crestfallen as he left (probably heading in the direction of the nearest supermarket so that he could ‘accidentally on purpose’ bump into Louis) that Ashton actually felt sorry for him.

The other barista – a slightly older girl called Ashley – had already left (something about a dentist appointment) so it was just Ashton behind the counter until Louis finally appeared at around half five, hair ruined by the rain and a slight scowl on his handsome face. Coming from Louis, that was practically a warm grin.

“Afternoon, Ash,” Louis said, hand squeezing the younger boy’s shoulder gently as he passed him. “Had many customers?”

“It got busy earlier but there hasn’t been anyone for a while,” Ashton said quietly, smoothing his shirt down beneath the dark brown apron he had to wear. It was already dark outside, the streetlights reflecting off the rain-wet pavement.

“Fair enough,” Louis said. “If you have any homework, you’re welcome to go and do that in the back room. I’ll call you out if enough people turn up that I can’t deal with it by myself.”

“Thanks, Lou,” Ashton said, smiling gratefully as he disappeared out the back.

He dropped down onto the low sofa they had back there, cringing slightly when a spring dug into his hip. It was old and it smelt a bit musty in there but the space heater was warm, and Ashton curled up beneath his coat, pulling his maths textbook out and frowning at how blurry the text was before he remembered to get his glasses out of his bag. He tried not to wear them too much at school since that just seemed like one more thing for them to bully him about but it gave him a headache if he tried to focus without them.

Ashton could hear Louis singing softly to himself from the other room – ‘Coming Your Way’ by Fleetwood Mac – and Ashton listened to his voice for a moment as he lay there, fighting to ignore the lingering sadness inside him as his heart beat wearily in his chest.

“ _I’ve got things to do. I move every day. I hope you don’t mind ‘cause I’m coming your way_.”

Ashton closed his eyes, swallowing past the stupid lump rising in his throat.

He wished everything didn’t feel so fucking _hard_ right now.

He wished he didn’t feel like there was something missing.

*

The road was wet, slippery with rain and probably some of Luke’s blood now that he was lying in it. The sky was dark overhead and the eighteen year old’s stomach was churning sickeningly as he pushed himself clumsily into a sitting position, head spinning.

He couldn’t believe he’d fallen off his motorbike. Luke _never_ fell. It was a fact he prided himself on… except Luke didn’t feel much like being proud now. He kind of felt sick instead… plus the side of his head was slippery with blood and there was an old couple standing on the pavement nearby watching him, eyes wide behind their wire-rimmed glasses.

“You need to get yourself to a hospital, young man!” the old man said. Luke pushed himself to his feet, fell back down to his knees again and heaved in a shaky breath before he tried again.

 _Fuck_ , his head hurt.

“Oh, Bert, he’s getting blood on his jacket!” the old woman said, eyes almost as damp as the rain that was starting to drift down in a fine mist. Damnit, Luke didn’t want to make an old lady cry.

“I’ll get to a hospital,” he promised but he was trying to haul his motorbike out of the road now and his ribs were protesting the movement just enough that they were probably going to be _very_ bruised later and – and -

 _Oh_ , Luke had just lost his lunch on the floor. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, fighting down against a shudder. He really  _hated_ being sick.

‘ _Concussion_ ,’ he realised but knowing what was (probably) wrong with him didn’t make him feel any better.

“I don’t have a phone with me,” the old man – Bert – said loudly. “Go over there, young man. That coffee shop’s still open. Ask them to call you an ambulance.”

Luke was so dazed that he actually did what the stranger told him to, settling his bike against a railing nearby and locking it there. Luke’s forehead hit the cold metal when he almost pitched forwards and the old lady made a worried squeaking noise behind him.

Luke needed to remember to get a message to Mike later, ask him to come pick the bike up so that the police didn’t find it and end up taking it home to Ben.

Hopefully, Michael would be able to get there first because, if Luke’s older brother heard what had happened, he might say Luke couldn’t ride his bike anymore… or maybe he’d be too drunk and/or stoned (delete as applicable) to notice. Privately, Luke had a feeling it was probably going to be the latter.

That was beside the point though. Luke didn’t need that aggravation right now because he felt like he was about to pass out… and he _also_ apparently didn’t need all of the blood sliding hot down the back of his neck because it was doing its best to escape the confines of his body.

God, Luke felt like he was going to be sick again.

“Ambulance! Coffee shop! Go!” Bert said sharply and Luke pushed himself away from the railings, hand slippery with rainwater and smelling faintly of rust when he clapped a hand over his mouth, fighting against the bile rising in his throat. He cursed under his breath, glancing hopelessly towards his motorbike before he staggered across the road without looking, ignoring the old woman as she muttered something about ‘ _metal death traps_ ’.

Luke’s eyes hurt when he pushed the door to the coffee shop because the light was making his head swim even worse now and…

Oh _fuck_ , Luke was going to be sick again.

“Shit, mate, are you alright?” the man behind the counter asked, blue eyes wide. “You’re bleeding!”

“Yeah, I know,” Luke said and he tried to flash the stranger a smile, put him at ease except… except he was pretty sure there was blood on his teeth and he could still taste sick, and he was probably _totally_ about to spontaneously combust or something.

He was a fucking idiot honestly.

“Can you… help please?” Luke mumbled, slightly pathetically if he was being honest with himself. His knees weakened beneath him and he reached out instinctively, smearing a bloody handprint on the countertop. The stranger’s eyes widened.

“Ashton!” he yelled. “Ash, call an ambulance!”

Luke’s head was starting to spin worse than ever now but his aching eyes widened faintly when a beautiful boy with lovely hazel eyes and messy caramel-coloured curls emerged from the back room.

“Oh fuck,” the younger boy – Ashton – breathed as he stared at him in shock but… but _damn_ , he was pretty.

Luke kind of wanted to say hi to him, ask him if he wanted to go to a movie or something –

And then Luke’s knees gave way and everything seemed to spin sickeningly as the pain in his head spiked.

The last thing Luke saw before he passed out was Ashton’s sad, frightened face.

Then the darkness swallowed him whole.


	2. Met His Match

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've accidentally made this a lot angstier than I'd planned but it's fun to write, and I like writing Luke and Ashton in this, even if they do feel like different sort of characters to what I usually write? (Like they don't seem as nice to me idk... I think Calum is my favourite in this).  
> But anyway, I hope you guys will like this!

“Ash? _Ashton_!”

The curly-haired boy jerked his head up in shock, blinking stupidly at his best friend for several long moments before he remembered to pull his glasses down so that he could actually see him properly.

“What do you want, Calum?” Ashton asked distractedly. The circles under his eyes looked like bruises and the counter was kind of sticky under his hands as he stood beside the till. He should wipe it down probably… when he could be bothered… or when Louis made a pointed comment about it – whichever came first.

“I’m trying to order a hot chocolate,” Calum said but it came out slightly wounded. “Also you have other customers."

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Ashton mumbled, ducking his head as his cheeks flamed. He hurriedly made Calum’s drink, apologised profusely to the waiting customers (without swearing this time), and tried his best not to scald himself as he made their cappuccinos.

“You’re very distracted at the moment,” Calum said accusingly once the older boy was done but Ashton’s hazel eyes had drifted over to the door again, taking in the dark street outside. The motorbike was gone from the railings now. Drops of rain were starting to glide down the glass like tears.

“Why’re you here?” Ashton asked Calum suddenly before he frowned at how rude that had sounded, backtracking and trying again. “I mean… usually you come here right after school… not so late in the evening, you know?”

“Yeah, well, Mali had Tom round,” Calum said, looking vaguely emotionally scarred. The two people with their cappuccinos had just sat down at a table by the window and they were talking loudly. It made Ashley – who was spending her break writing an essay for university – look up and scowl at them.

“But I thought we _liked_ Mali’s boyfriend?” Ashton checked, frowning. Calum cringed.

“Sure we do... but we don’t like _hearing_ them,” he said and Ashton shuddered delicately.

“Good point,” he said meekly and Calum gave him a thin smile.

“I'm glad we’re agreed,” the dark-haired boy said but there was the faintest trace of worry in his chocolate brown eyes now and Ashton didn’t want that. “Now tell me why you’re distracted.”

“Well..." It seemed kind of stupid now that he thought about it. "Remember I told you about that guy with the motorbike?” Ashton said at last and Calum frowned, moving to sit down on one of the stools behind the counter even though he wasn’t really supposed to. Louis wouldn’t mind though; Calum had helped out during the summer and the pair got on well.

“The cute one?” Calum asked suddenly, eyes serious. Ashton snorted, turning away so that his blushing cheeks were hidden.

“I never said he was cute. I didn’t even _look_ at him like that, on account of the fact that I thought he was about to die.”

“Yes, you did, you liar,” Calum said instantly. “You said he had blond hair and ‘ _pretty blue eyes that looked like the sky_ ’. You did, Ashton. I heard you. Harry heard you. Even Mrs Fisher from geography probably heard you. Stop lying.”

“I’m not lying,” Ashton snapped out of habit. Then he sighed deeply, folding his arms on the (sticky) counter and muffling his sigh in the crook of his elbow. “He was all covered in blood and it was disgusting, Calum. And I _still_ found him cute? That’s probably almost as bad as necrophilia or something.”

“ _Wow_ , Ashton!” Calum said, eyes widening with alarm. “I’m pretty sure it’s actually fucking _not_ , okay?”

“Don’t swear in the coffee shop,” Ashton said automatically, like the gigantic hypocrite he was. Calum stuck his tongue out at him but his eyes were glittering vaguely.

“I knew you fancied him,” he said. “I knew that’s why you were so distracted.”

Ashton smiled thinly, turning to swipe the cloth from the counter at the back before he started wiping the surface down. He needed something to do with his hands, needed to keep busy so that Calum wouldn’t see the helpless look on his best friend’s face as Ashton became aware of that awful hollow aching feeling lingering inside him again.

“Maybe he’ll come in and say thank you to you for helping him,” Calum said fairly, full lips tugging up into a reassuring smile when Ashton chanced a glance over his shoulder. “That’d be romantic, right?

“He’s probably not even _gay_ , Cal, and if he was then I’d hardly be vain enough to think that he’d fancy someone like _me_ ,” Ashton muttered, expression downcast as he pushed his glasses back up his nose again. “I’d never be that lucky.”

“Maybe he’ll be your first kiss,” Calum said, apparently undeterred.

“Yeah, and maybe Michael will be yours,” Ashton countered.

Calum’s face fell.

“You don’t have to be so mean, Ash. I’m only trying to make you feel better,” the dark-haired boy said softly but his eyes were hurt and Ashton hated that he got so prickly when he felt lost because all _that_ succeeded in doing was pushing away the people he cared about.

“I’m sorry, Cal,” Ashton whispered and Calum’s shoulders slumped as he sank back down onto the stool again.

“It’s alright, Ash,” Calum said heavily but… but it _wasn’t_ alright because Ashton was being passive aggressive and nasty just for the sake of it and... fuck, he was doing exactly what he’d always been most scared of.

Ashton was afraid he was turning into his _father_ who’d basically been the worst person ever before he’d upped and left them when his son was just a little kid. Ashton didn’t want to hurt people like that because then maybe he’d be no better than the bullies who hurt _him_ …

With these thoughts in mind, the conversation (unsurprisingly) died a slow and painful death.

Calum went home soon after that and Ashton spent the rest of his shift wiping the counter down with glassy eyes that were definitely _not_ brimming with tears. Ashley pulled him into a tight hug because she said he looked like he needed one but even that didn’t make him feel any better.

In that moment, the sixteen year old couldn’t even blame the kids at school for bullying him so ruthlessly.

He felt like he deserved it.

*

Ashton didn’t see them coming.

One minute he was having a fairly pleasant conversation with Harry and Calum about the food in France – quite frankly, Ashton was glad he lived in Australia – and the next thing he knew, he was getting up close and personal with his locker door. Again.

“I get that they like shoving me into hard surfaces or whatever,” Ashton complained hotly, some ten minutes later with a wad of toilet roll clamped over his nose as it bled sluggishly. “But why did they have to rip my homework in half too? That took me two hours to write!”

“Did you see who it was?” Calum asked but he looked upset. Harry shook his head regretfully.

“It doesn’t matter,” the curly-haired boy sighed, grimacing as he tasted blood. “If we tell on them then they’ll only get worse.”

“Ash… your nose looks kind of broken and you have the beginnings of two black eyes,” Calum pointed out but his voice was kind of shaking with anger now and his grip was just a little bit _too_ tight as he grabbed the older boy’s arm, towing him (and, by extension, Harry) outside into the weak sunlight. “I think this already clarifies as ‘ _worse_ ’, don't you?”

Harry nodded in agreement and Calum was beginning to look so upset now that Ashton actually started to panic a bit because there was probably nothing worse than seeing Calum’s puppy dog eyes filling with tears.

“It’ll be alright, Cal,” Ashton said in as reassuring a voice as he could. His words came out thick though and his nose was throbbing now. He was going to have an awful headache later on; he could already feel it starting to pound behind his tired eyes.

Calum didn't really look like he believed him but he changed the subject and Ashton was very grateful for that.

“Did you want to come round and play Fifa tonight?” Calum asked them both hesitantly and Ashton tried to wrinkle his nose at the thought of inevitably losing the game but he realised that was a bad idea when pain spiked through his face.

“Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got to go to work now,” Ashton sighed and there was an awkward tension between them suddenly, one that Ashton hadn’t been aware of before. Harry rubbed the back of his neck uneasily, looking away. Ashton watched Calum warily.

“I still don’t get why you have to do this,” the dark-haired boy muttered and Ashton bit his bottom lip hard to keep from snapping at his oldest friend.

“You know why,” he sighed, looking away as his face throbbed painfully. “Mum’s not exactly going to let me quit, is she? And Louis’ too nice to fire me probably –” Ashton faltered with a look of disgust when Harry’s face took on a dreamy quality. “– so it looks like I’m stuck there… and now I’m not going to have time to write up my homework again. Shit.”

“I’ll type your homework up for you,” Harry offered and Ashton’s eyes softened. “I can bring it in for you tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” the younger boy said softly, removing the tissue from his face carefully but quickly covering his nose with it again when Calum’s eyes widened. “Please remember to put _my_ name on and not yours this time though, Harry… okay?”

“Okay,” Harry said and he was kind of grinning now, dimples creasing his cheeks as he lips tugged up. The expression did nothing to hide the worry in his eyes though and Ashton wondered how bad he looked before he shrugged it off.

He didn’t have time to stand around worrying now or he was going to be late.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Ashton said but one of the kids who liked to push Ashton around was on the other side of the road and Calum squared his jaw as he fell into step beside his best friend.

“You’re not going on your own,” Calum said firmly and Harry nodded in agreement, joining them on their walk down the pavement with a mumbled: “I’ll just write your homework up later… I could say hi to Louis first.”

There was no point in arguing with them when they got like this because Calum had a hard look in his eyes and Harry looked so hopeful that Ashton decided to just roll with it. That was probably easier anyway.

At least then Ashton didn’t have to focus on that horrible loneliness he could feel festering inside him.

At least then he didn’t have to _think_.

*

Louis’ face fell when he saw Ashton which would have been offensive if the curly-haired boy hadn’t been able to feel the blood drying on his tanned skin.

“Oh my god,” Louis gasped. “Your poor face! What happened?”

“Just another educational day at school,” the sixteen year old said bitterly and Louis’ voice was vehement as he said the word: “ _Bastards_!” far too loudly when their customers were taken into account. Luckily, it was just two of their regulars though and they’d been here long enough to almost _expect_ Louis’ explosions of foul language.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this shit!” Louis said heatedly, little hands balling into fists as his eyes burnt like blue fire. One of the customers looked up and gave a small cry of alarm when they saw Ashton’s face. Louis’ expression became chagrined. “You need to go and wash up,” he said apologetically. “You can’t serve customers looking like that – and what if my mum finally decides to follow through on one of her spot-checks? It wouldn’t look good…”

Ashton nodded in agreement, glancing down at the blood on his school shirt and cringing when he tried to think of a lie he could tell his mum. Louis’ face had gone stony as he pushed Ashton’s apron towards him and a tiny sigh escaped the curly-haired boy when Calum shoved both of their bags towards Harry, wrapping his fingers around Ashton’s wrist and leading him towards the toilet.

Harry dumped their bags unceremoniously on the floor as they left, striking up a conversation with Louis about whatever he’d been watching on TV the night before. Ashton’s numbness was threatening to suffocate him by the time Calum locked the cubicle door behind them and he let out a ragged sigh that _almost_ sounded like a sob.

Calum’s eyes brimmed with tears as he got some paper wet in the sink, crouching down in front of the older boy and dabbing gently at his face as Ashton sat on the closed lid of the toilet. Getting cleaned up like this made Ashton feel about five years old and he kind of wanted to cry now but his tears were lodged in his throat and… and he hadn’t been able to cry for years anyway.

“Your eyes look so sad,” Calum breathed but his bottom lip was kind of wobbling and Ashton couldn’t _stand_ it if he cried.

“How can you tell?” he teased weakly. “They’re both swelling shut.”

“Not true,” Calum said but his voice was faint as he started to wipe at where the blood had dried in streaks on Ashton’s chin. “You’re just going to look like a baby panda for a little while. It’ll be alright, Ash. Pandas are cute.”

“It’s not alright,” Ashton whispered and his eyes were burning now. “Nothing’s alright, Calum.” The words escaped him without his permission but Ashton didn’t even have time to dwell on what a bad idea they were because Louis knocked on the door, making them both jump.

“That’s a bit better,” Louis said quietly but he pursed his lips unhappily as he pulled Ashton into a tight hug (which would have been sweet if it hadn’t made the bruises on Ashton’s ribs ache too). Calum squeezed past them to go and start on his homework, and Ashton forced a smile onto his face.

“You gonna be okay, Ash?” Louis asked softly and Ashton’s smile became brittle.

“Sure I am. Let’s go and make some coffee!” he said lamely. Louis’ lips twitched despite himself.

“Was that you trying to be enthusiastic?” the older man teased. Ashton fought to suppress his slight smile.

“Look, I’m no actor, Lou,” Ashton said fairly. “Sometimes we have to work with what we’ve got.”

Louis rolled his eyes, slinging his arm around the smaller boy’s shoulders as he led him back over to the counter.

“You’re such an idiot, Ash. I don’t know why I hired you sometimes I swear.”

“It’s because of my sharp wit and charming manners,” Ashton said instantly.

Louis started laughing like a dying elephant.

Ashton didn’t even _try_ not to be offended.

*

Ashley showed up at half past four for her shift and her face fell when she saw what had happened to Ashton. The sixteen year old was already praying that the bruises would fade quickly – he didn’t like that everyone just looked sad whenever they caught sight of him.

Ashton’s shift was long and slow, and Calum was starting to look really mopey from where he was hunched over a hot chocolate at the back of the coffee shop, science textbook open in front of him.

Ashton was fucking around with one of the syrup dispensers beside the espresso machine when the door opened with a chime and he glanced round to look. His eyes widened when he saw who it was and he accidentally knocked the syrup, covering his hand with gooey toffee.

“Motorbike guy!” Louis said in surprise when he looked up at the sound of the door opening. The brown-haired man sounded so cheerful that Harry actually started pouting. “You’re alive! And you’re not covered in blood this time!”

“The hospital gave me some stitches,” the stranger said cheerfully but his eyes found Ashton’s and they glittered like sunlight on the ocean. “I came round to say thank you.”

Calum looked upset as he started to pack his things away now, hands shaking faintly as he sniffed hard. Ashton felt terrible but… but the blond boy was watching him curiously with the collar of his leather jacket turned up and a slight smile tugging at his grazed face, and Ashton’s heart felt like it had lodged itself in his throat.

The blond boy reached out over the counter to shake his hand and Ashton only remembered it was covered in toffee when the stranger’s expression became appalled.

“I absolutely _promise_ it’s syrup,” Ashton said and the blond boy started laughing although he kept his hand hanging awkwardly by his side. The younger boy’s cheeks were burning hotter than the coffee machines.

This was like the whole ‘meet-cute’ thing in a film, Ashton realised suddenly. This was how they'd met… with a dramatic rainy night and a motorbike accident, and sparkling blue eyes that were deep enough to fall into.

“You’re the guy who called the ambulance,” the stranger said and his pale face was beautiful beneath his soft blond hair. “Thanks for that. You know, you’re a lot prettier than I remember… even _with_ those bruises.” The faintest hint of concern coloured the older boy’s eyes and Ashton’s heart tried to beat right out of his chest.

“Not being covered in blood suits you,” Ashton said stupidly before promptly flushing bright red. Apparently he couldn’t trust himself not to say something horrifically humiliating. Calum gave Ashton a smile that looked vaguely pained as he left. Harry and Louis were sitting talking at one of the tables nearby. Ashton’s hazel eyes settled on the blond boy’s face again.

“What’s your name?” Ashton asked, just as the blond boy started to ask too. The stranger laughed and Ashton wanted to put his head in his hands but one of them was covered with toffee which he didn’t really want in his hair.

“My name’s Ashton,” the curly-haired boy said after a moment, trying hard not to flush scarlet. The blond boy’s eyes softened infinitesimally and Ashton felt about three million times worse for covering him with toffee.

“You two should go and clean up,” Ashley said from where she’d been standing nearby, watching the pair of them with poorly-disguised amusement. “Don’t use the customer toilet though. You’ll just get syrup all over the door handle.”

Ashton resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her for want of a better comeback.

“Fair enough,” he said after a moment's hesitation, smiling awkwardly at the older boy and trying hard not to melt into a puddle on the floor when the stranger’s tongue darted out to play with his lip-ring. “Right this way,” Ashton said and the blond boy grinned as he followed him into the back room.

It was cold in there and the stranger wrapped one of his arms tightly around himself as he followed Ashton, crossing the room and starting down the narrow hallway on the other side. Ashton could smell his leather jacket mingling with the faintest hint of cigarette smoke and his cologne.

When Ashton tripped over his own feet and smeared toffee on the wall when his hand shot out to balance himself, it almost seemed expected. The stranger’s clean hand had shot out to steady him too and Ashton went scarlet when he felt it moving hesitantly from his shoulder.

“You should probably watch where you’re walking,” the blond boy said and he was smiling in this way that had Ashton feeling quite conflicted – he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to kiss the older boy or politely ask him to cover his face up because looking at his resounding beauty was _painful_. In the end, the curly-haired boy settled for a vague scowl instead.

“You never told me your name,” Ashton said. “And, since I rang you an ambulance and covered your hand in toffee syrup, I figure it’s the least you can do.”

The blond boy laughed and the sound lit up the dimly lit hallway as Ashton pushed the bathroom door open, walking over the chipped blue tiles and turning the rusty faucet on with his clean hand.

“My name’s Luke,” the older boy said and his piercing blue eyes made the bathroom look dull by comparison. “Would you like my birthdate and license plate too?”

Ashton watched the older boy appraisingly in the dirty mirror, trying hard not to smile.

Maybe he’d finally met his match.

“Just your bank details and home address are fine,” Ashton said, flashing him a wry smile. It probably would have had the desired effect if he hadn’t cringed when the movement made his bruised nose ache.

Luke’s face fell.

“What happened to you?” he asked quietly but Ashton didn’t answer until he was satisfied that his hand was clean and Luke had begun to wash his own. “It looks like _you’re_ the one who was stupid enough to fall off a motorbike.”

Ashton thought of the mean things he got called at school… ‘stupid’ being one of the most polite. “I’m definitely dumb enough to do that,” he said. “Not that I think you’re dumb. But honestly… it’s no big deal.”

“It kind of _looks_ like a big deal,” Luke pointed out and Ashton wanted to glare at him but his face hurt too much.

“I was acquainted with my locker,” Ashton said after a moment of hesitation and his weak smile didn’t touch his eyes. “Again and again. We’re like best friends now, after that much contact. Maybe boyfriends.”

Luke’s eyes twinkled at that.

“ _Boyfriends_?” he asked, picking up on the key word. Ashton went red.

“It’s just a locker,” he mumbled stupidly and Luke’s face fell briefly. Ashton’s hand was trembling vaguely when he reached up to brush his bruised nose with his fingertips. “Just a _really_ hard metal locker.”

“And you said some kids shoved you into it?” Luke asked and he was frowning disapprovingly, his expression mirroring Louis’ almost exactly. It was a little disconcerting.

“No but yes,” Ashton said and his dimples creased his cheeks faintly when Luke managed a dry smile. “It’s not a particularly big deal. I can live with a broken nose.”

Luke turned Ashton with a hand on his shoulder, fingers drifting up to touch the younger boy’s jaw as he tilted his head back a little. Luke was ridiculously tall when he was standing this close to Ashton and the younger boy swallowed as Luke’s thumb rubbed comfortingly over his jawbone.

“I don’t think it’s broken,” Luke said softly, cool fingertips falling away from Ashton’s face. The younger boy tried not to look sad when Luke stepped back. “It’s just bruised.”

Ashton sighed with relief and Luke gave him a reassuring smile. His eyes glittered but Ashton thought there was something colder underneath the shine… like maybe _he_ felt numb too… and Ashton was just on the cusp of saying something that probably would have been really stupid when Luke’s expression became vaguely chagrined.

“Thanks again for helping me the other night,” the blond boy said, a grateful smile tugging weakly at his lips. “Not so much for covering my hand in toffee though. That was kind of a shitty thing to do.”

“My bad,” Ashton said easily but he was sort of smiling now. Luke hooked his thumbs through his belt loops, looking _far_ too casual considering he was standing in a confined space with a hormonal sixteen year old who kind of wanted to kiss his face. Ashton felt embarrassed and flustered.

“Stop being cute,” he said accusingly before he clapped his hands over his mouth, hazel eyes widening. Luke grinned like all of his birthdays had come at once and Ashton backed out of the bathroom, hoping (probably in vain) that the shadows in the wooden-panelled hallway would hide his flaming face. “You can’t judge me for saying that,” he added as he led Luke hurriedly back towards the coffee shop. “I hit my head today. My brain’s probably been shaken around something terrible.”

“I wasn’t judging you at all,” Luke said and, beneath the teasing, there was something sincere in his voice. If possible, Ashton actually blushed even _more_. The blond boy smiled. “I’m going to leave now before you spontaneously combust,” he said cheerfully and Ashton must have pouted a bit because Luke’s eyes softened.

“There’s like the tiniest chance that I might come in for a drink tomorrow though…” the blond boy continued and his blue eyes were soft as Ashton’s face lit up. “Maybe… so long as you promise not to die or something... because I'm only eighteen and I don't fancy going to prison for that...”

“ _Really_?” Ashton asked - he decided to ignore all of the crap Luke had defensively tacked on at the end - and, for just a moment, Ashton didn’t care that there was blood on his collar or the fact that he was wearing a dark brown apron patterned with coffee beans. All he cared about was the warmth of Luke’s hand as he squeezed Ashton lightly on the shoulder.

“Yeah,” the older boy said and it sounded like a promise. “You take care, Ashton, okay? Don’t pick any more fights with lockers.”

Ashton snorted (and immediately regretted it).

“Try to stay _on_ your motorbike this time.”

Luke cringed, cheeks flushing faintly.

“Touché,” he said, forcing a smirk. “Thanks again for helping me.”

“Sorry about the toffee,” Ashton countered. "And for being a mouthy idiot."

"You're not the worst," the blond boy smiled, hand sliding from Ashton's shoulder before he buried them in the pockets of his skinny jeans.

Luke grinned, loping away on his long legs – longer even than _Harry’s_ – and he'd disappeared from the shop by the time the curly-haired boy had made it back behind the counter.

Ashton didn’t really have time to miss the blond boy though.

Luke started coming in every evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you think <3


	3. Falling Like Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This totally wasn't supposed to happen yet but my story's already running away from me which never exactly bodes well :')  
> But I hope you guys will enjoy this!

Luke knew he was being stupid.

He hadn’t gone to school in _weeks_ now and, even if he _wasn’t_ legally obligated to anymore because it was sixth form, that didn’t mean the school would stop calling home. Luke had managed to field their calls so far but, on the off chance that Ben _did_ one day pull himself together for long enough to answer the phone, Luke was probably really going to regret lying about attending.

Then again… if Ben was too stoned to get up off his bed and look out of the window where he would inevitably see his younger brother fixing up the paintwork on his motorbike outside _instead_ of at school, maybe Ben _deserved_ to get in trouble for being negligent.

Ben seemed to be doing a pretty good job of getting himself in trouble anyway to be honest. He was Luke’s only surviving relative now but he didn’t really seem to care about him in the slightest. He just spent most of his time sleeping around and taking drugs, and it made Luke livid because their other brother Jack had died of an overdose a few years ago and if even _that_ wasn’t enough to teach Ben to take care of himself then… then what was?

‘ _Probably nothing,_ ’ Luke thought dully.

Ben spent his days in a tangled web of dark thoughts and Luke was left to his own devices, and it probably didn’t even _matter_ that Luke felt like his heart had been scraped raw with sandpaper. Nobody besides his best friend Michael really seemed to care anyway… except maybe that Ashton kid.

Luke wished he could stop thinking about him but it wasn’t working. He thought maybe it was Ashton’s eyes – they were this beautiful hazel colour, flecked with glimmers of green and gold, and even when Ashton’s expression was cold, they were still sparkling.

Luke could barely get Ashton out of his head anymore and it was kind of _weird_ because before he’d always been thinking about exciting new ways to self-destruct – driving recklessly on his motorbike, getting so drunk he couldn’t stand up, sleeping with anyone who would let him… just trying to feel **alive** again because he didn’t remember what that was like anymore – but… but now he didn’t feel the need to.

Luke still felt that familiar itch under his skin, that need for adrenaline that made the knot in his chest loosen and it was almost like an instinctive response: he processed that he was feeling on edge and, the next thing he knew, his feet would be carrying him towards the coffee shop… towards _Ashton_.

Luke didn’t even question it anymore. He just felt his pounding heart calm in his chest when his eyes settled on the younger boy and it was fucking _terrifying_ because… it didn’t feel scary at all.

Luke was starting to wonder if he should feel creepy or not. Ashton was only about sixteen after all – ‘ _At least he’s legal,_ ’ the little voice in Luke’s head piped up and the blond boy actually hated himself sometimes honestly – and it felt kind of weird to be thinking of him like this… like Ashton deserved better maybe.

Luke had never felt like that about someone before.

*

The streetlights were already flickering on by the time Luke made it into town at a (hopefully casual) jog. Usually he’d turned up at the coffee shop by half four but it was already almost seven o’clock now – Luke had got distracted working on his motorbike (which Michael had thankfully retrieved for him because he was a great, _great_ human) – and the blond boy felt guilty which was… also slightly remarkable.

Usually he tried not to feel at all.

Luke’s hands were trembling with the cold as the wind tousled his hair and he buried them in the big pocket of his hooded jacket. He could feel his packet of cigarettes and the yellow fluorescent lighter he had bouncing around in there, and Luke hoped they weren’t going to fall out. Not being able to smoke when he was stressed would fucking _suck_.

Luke wondered who’d be working in the coffee shop this evening. He knew Louis and Ashley by name now – the dark-haired man seemed to think they were friends because he’d been the one Luke had collapsed dramatically in front of – and Luke knew Ashton’s two best friends Calum and the French one – Harry? Harvey? – now too, although that was more by sight since they hadn’t spoken to him all that much. He wasn’t sure they really liked him but Luke didn’t much care because Ashton did and that was what mattered.

The bell above the door chimed when Luke entered the coffee shop at what he _hoped_ was a casual speed but his face fell comically when he saw only Ashley standing behind the counter. There were tired circles under her eyes and her colourful hair was scraped back into a short ponytail. She didn’t look particularly thrilled to see him either but Luke was sure that was more than reciprocated.

“Charming,” Ashley said when she saw Luke’s dismayed expression but a tiny smirk twisted her lips as she tapped her manicured nails irritatingly on the counter. “Ashton’s over there,” she said, somewhat unwillingly in Luke’s opinion. “He’s on his break now.”

“Oh right,” Luke said, trying to look like he wasn’t that bothered. His cheeks flushed when Ashley gave him a knowing look and Luke kind of wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “Thanks. See you in a bit.”

“Or not,” she said but her tone was surprisingly jovial when she reached out as he passed her, fingers tightening around his arm to keep him from leaving. Luke raised an eyebrow as he watched her warily and Ashley gave him a warm smile but her grip was tight.

“Ashton’s had a rough day,” she said quietly, her voice fierce. “In fact, he seems to be having a rough _year_ – so don’t mess him around, okay? He doesn’t deserve that.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Luke blurted out stupidly, immediately on the defensive because reacting like this was the only thing that saved him from Ben getting angry sometimes when he was drunk. “Just…” Luke’s blue eyes were wide and Ashley let him go awkwardly. Luke swallowed, taking a stumbling step backwards into the nearest table and cursing himself inwardly as he tried (and failed) to regain his composure. “I like the kid. He’s fine with me.”

Ashley gave Luke a long look but she was kind of sneering and it took the blond boy way too long to realise that he wasn’t exactly making himself any friends here.

“ _Kid_ ,” Ashley repeated with a scoff. “Right. If that makes you feel better…”

Luke didn’t say anything to her after that. He _couldn’t_ – not if he wanted them to let him come back and Luke was pretty good at coming up with unforgiveable things to say.

Hitting people where it hurt most was what he was best at after all.

(Maybe hurting people was the _only_ thing he could do.)

There was a David Bowie song playing on the radio as Luke weaved between the few customers seated at tables scattered across the softly-lit room – ‘Starman’, Luke was fairly certain it was called – and the horrible feelings twisting themselves painfully around Luke’s heart bled away when the eighteen year old’s exhausted eyes settled on Ashton.

“ _Didn’t know what time it was and the lights were low. I leaned back on my radio._ ”

The younger boy was sitting in the corner of the coffee shop, dressed in a big grey sweatshirt over his school uniform that didn’t look like it belonged to him and, as Luke got closer, he saw the surname ‘ **HOOD** ’ emblazoned across the back. Calum’s then. That was kind of sweet, maybe. (Luke just wished it didn’t make him _jealous_.)

“Hey, Ashton,” Luke said softly, rapping his knuckles gently on the table like he was knocking on a door. Ashton’s tired face lit up when he saw the older boy standing there and Luke’s heart sank in his chest as he wondered who he was trying to kid.

“Luke!” Ashton seemed to be struggling to rein his beam in but he still looked worryingly cheerful for a Wednesday night. “I didn’t think you were going to show up tonight.”

There was a slightly crumpled science worksheet lying between them and Luke looked at it curiously, pulling a face when he saw all of the symbols and horribly phrased questions. He didn’t envy Ashton that at all.

“Sorry, Ben asked me to pick some shopping up after lunch and then I started working on my bike. Completely lost track of time,” Luke said apologetically but he still felt bad as he dropped down into the seat across from him. “What’re you working on?”

Ashton pulled a face and it emphasised the tired circles under his hazel eyes, already more noticeable in the soft lamplight of the coffee shop. The sleeves of Calum’s soft sweatshirt were falling down over Ashton’s clumsy hands and the sixteen year old looked _small_ as he sat huddled up there, legs folded on the chair beneath him.

“ _There’s a starman waiting in the sky. He’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds._ ”

Ashton made a displeased noise in the back of his throat as he pushed his homework away sulkily, reaching for his half-finished hot chocolate instead.

“It’s on covalent bonds,” he grumbled which were probably about as much fun as they sounded. “Don’t suppose you can think of an example of three-electron bonding?” he asked hopefully. Luke gawped at the younger boy (probably) unattractively.

“What?” he asked stupidly, and then: “Ashton, I am but one small step above a high school dropout so, unfortunately, I don’t think I’m going to be a great deal of use from this regard.”

“Fair enough,” Ashton said but he was watching Luke with that curious gleam in his eyes, like he wanted to ask more questions. Luke looked away, worrying his lip-ring with his teeth as he hid his slightly trembling hands in the pockets of his hooded jacket. Luke wished his emotions didn’t feel so raw at the moment but there wasn’t anything he could do about it when Ashton was watching him with so much soft vulnerability etched onto his face.

“ _There’s a starman waiting in the sky. He's told us not to blow it ‘cause he knows it’s all worthwhile._ ”

“Luke?” Ashton asked softly and his hazel eyes were doing that thing where they smouldered again, sparkling and soft and clever and warm – _everything_ , all at once – and they looked deep enough to dive into. “What’s wrong with you?” Ashton reached out to poke Luke gently in his well-muscled bicep and the older boy snorted without meaning to. “You look all messed up. Your face looks screwy.”

“Tactful as always,” Luke said but a small smile tugged at his pale lips anyway. “Also I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to talk over David Bowie. That’s like sacrilege, isn’t it?”

“Big word for a high school dropout,” Ashton commented and Luke bit at his lip-ring, deciding not to rise to the bait. His cheeks coloured faintly when the younger boy gave him a pointed look though and Luke sighed deeply when he realised that Ashton wasn’t just going to let this go.

“I’m alright, Ash,” Luke said heavily but his cheeks burnt hotter when the younger boy looked up at him curiously. Luke didn’t know where the nickname had come from and he grimaced, biting his bottom lip. “I’m just tired… and worried about you. Is that another locker-related injury I see?”

Watching the light in Ashton’s eyes flicker out _hurt_.

“It’s nothing,” Ashton mumbled, expression rapidly becoming downcast as his hand fluttered up to hide the tiny cut on his eyebrow. “I’m just clumsy. It’s not a big deal.”

“That sounds like fucking bullshit to me,” Luke said but his voice was gentle as he spoke unthinkingly. “Don’t your parents ask you what’s been going on?”

Luke’s parents had. They _always_ used to make sure he was okay… make sure he felt **loved** and safe and looked after… That was what parents were _meant_ to do.

Ashton pressed his lips together, knotting his shaking fingers tightly in his lap as he blinked hard like he was trying to force back tears.

“No,” Ashton said and his hands were shaking worse now. Luke wanted to cover them with his own but he was worried that Ashley was watching him, judging him… realising that Luke had just put his foot in it and upset the younger boy without even _meaning_ to.

“My dad left when I was two,” Ashton said in a rough little voice. “And… and mum’s easy to distract…” Ashton’s eyes looked wet behind his glasses and a lump rose in Luke’s throat when he realised how much the younger boy was hurting. “As long as I’m doing well in school… well enough to go to college then… then she doesn’t ask too many questions. I don’t think she’d even _care_ if I told her…”

“Ashton, I’m -”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Ashton snapped but his cheeks were flaming now and he looked ashamed. “All you ever do is make me feel better, Luke, so don’t you _dare_.”

Luke stared down at the table with wide eyes, following the patterns in the wood until Ashton’s breathing had calmed and Luke was sure he wasn’t going to say something stupid.

“I think your mum _would_ care if she knew about you getting hurt,” the blond boy breathed and his hands were kind of shaking when Ashton’s fell to settle on the table nearby. “How could she _not_ care about someone as sweet as you?”

Ashton stared at Luke wordlessly for a long moment, hazel eyes gleaming with tears that he wiped away clumsily with the sleeve of Calum’s sweatshirt.

“You’re not supposed to say things like that,” Ashton said at last. Luke looked at him in confusion and Ashton leant closer, palms flat on the table like it was important he got his point across. “You wear a leather jacket and ride a motorbike, and you always smell like cigarettes and I actually think there’s a chance you might be a massive nerd, and sometimes you say mean things but… but never to me and… and it’s messing my head up.”

“What do you mean?” Luke whispered and Ashton’s cheeks were flaming now, like he’d said too much. The younger boy’s honey-coloured curls were tangled as they fell across his forehead and his hands were shaking a tiny bit in the moments before Luke threw caution to the wind, covering Ashton’s hands with his own.

“It’s nothing,” the younger boy promised but there was a tiny bit of desperation colouring his tone now. He gazed down at their hands with wide eyes. His glasses were sliding down his nose. “Just… let’s talk about something else now. Um… you’ve heard about my parents,” Ashton said, seizing a topic. “What are yours like?”

Luke’s face fell like someone had flicked a switch.

“Dead,” he said. “Just like my brother Jack.”

Ashton looked so abruptly mortified that Luke tried to laugh nervously but the sound caught in his throat, catching like a sob except… Luke didn’t cry. Luke _never_ cried. Ben would contest to that. So would Michael.

Luke couldn’t let himself feel. Otherwise he’d fall to pieces and maybe no one would be able to put him back together again.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton breathed and his eyes were swimming with fresh tears but Luke couldn’t let himself look up. The younger boy squeezed Luke’s limp hands reassuringly and the blond boy swallowed with difficulty past the lump in his throat, teeth sinking into his bottom lip as his heart thundered painfully in his chest. His broad shoulders were shaking a little and Luke hoped Ashton wouldn’t notice.

The younger boy didn’t apologise which Luke appreciated a lot – he’d had enough empty apologies from people he barely knew to last him a lifetime. Ashton just looked at Luke with his lovely eyes framed with dark lashes as he offered the older boy a watery smile.

“You sure you don't know anything about covalent bonds?” Ashton asked, clearly trying to break the tension, and Luke smiled like his heart was breaking in his chest.

“ _Look out your window; I can see his light. If we can sparkle, he may land tonight._ ”

Ashton reached out hesitantly to wipe the older boy’s tears away and Luke let out a soft sigh, eyes fluttering shut as his heart ached in his chest.

“I _still_ don’t know anything about science,” Luke muttered but his lips twitched weakly all the same. The wind was battering the glass of the windows now and Ashton’s eyes widened faintly as he glanced out into the darkness, wrinkling his nose to keep his glasses in place as he did so. Luke frowned faintly.

“How are you getting home tonight?” he asked carefully, worrying about how the younger boy would react at what he was going to say next. “I mean… your mum normally collects you, right?”

“Not tonight,” Ashton said, chewing on his bottom lip as he tore idly at the corner of his worksheet. Luke pulled it gently away from him and the younger boy looked up at him, his hazel eyes sad in his tanned face. There was still some baby fat on his cheeks, making him look soft and cuddly and _young_. Luke hated himself again. “She’s out at this thing with work tonight. I was going to walk home…”

“Not by yourself,” the blond boy said immediately, the words escaping him before he could stop them (not that he really _wanted_ to). “It’s dark. You might get hurt.”

“I’ve walked home alone before, Luke,” Ashton said but some of the tension had leaked out of his shoulders now, like that was all he’d been hoping for. “But… but thank you. That sounds good. You can tell me more about what bands you like.”

“You already know,” Luke said and Ashton’s dimples creased his cheeks as he began to list them off his fingers.

“Good Charlotte, Blink-182, Green Day, Jet… Were there more?”

“You missed Fall Out Boy and All Time Low but I think I can forgive you for remembering Blink,” Luke said, trying to make his voice teasing so that the pain he could still feel lingering inside him was hidden from his face. “How much longer do you have left of your shift?” he asked quietly and Ashton thought about it, pulling a face as he glanced down nervously towards his uncompleted homework.

Luke felt abruptly shitty again. He shouldn’t have distracted him.

“There’s like an hour left,” Ashton said after a moment’s thought. “So I’ll finish at like eight o’clock. Is that okay? It’s not too late for you?”

“I only have Ben to go home to,” Luke pointed out, sky blue eyes darkening faintly. “It’s not exactly a big deal.”

“Okay,” Ashton said and his cheeks were colouring but he was still watching the older boy with poorly-disguised concern as he put his homework back in his bag. “Well… I’ll… I’ll see you in a bit then…”

“Sure.” Luke rose unsteadily, reaching into his pocket to make sure his cigarettes and lighter were still in there. A faint frown marred Ashton’s face when Luke took them into his hand. “I need to smoke.”

Luke left before Ashton could say anything else but the worry burning in Ashton’s lovely eyes took a long time to fade from Luke’s head.

He walked a short way down the road outside, leaning against a streetlight on the corner as he jammed a cigarette between his pale lips, lighting it on the third try. His hands were shaking too badly for him to make the flame appear at first.

All Luke could see in his mind’s eye – beneath the mess of ‘ _AshtonAshtonAshton_ ’ and ‘ _shit, he almost saw me cry_ ’ as the nicotine rush hit him – were the faces of his mother and father; always loving, always kind… always lost.

When a passing car’s headlights reflected in the tears spilling down Luke’s cheeks, he told himself it didn’t count as crying if no one else was there to see it.

Luke stood out there in the darkness for a long time.

*

Luke’s eyes were red when he walked back into the coffee shop to wait for Ashton to finish working but the younger boy kindly didn’t mention it. He also didn’t bring up what he’d learnt about Luke’s family again although he definitely wanted to but the blond boy seemed to appreciate it anyway.

“How late is your mum out tonight then?” Luke asked casually as they walked along, arms brushing in the darkness as they left the coffee shop behind. Ashton’s backpack was heavy on his shoulders and he remembered briefly when Harry had carried it for him. Almost like he could read his mind, Luke reached to take it, slinging it over one shoulder easily.

“Thank you,” the sixteen year old said softly before he processed the question. “Um… I think like… ten tonight? Maybe?” Ashton thought about the note he’d found on the counter that morning… thought about Luke saying he was sure that Ashton’s mum _would_ care about him. The younger boy hoped it was true and his hazel eyes were soft as he looked up at Luke in the streetlights. “She left me money to order pizza. Do you want to stay ‘til she comes back?”

There was something in Ashton’s voice that sounded slightly strained and it took Luke a moment to realise that it was because the younger boy was anxious at the prospect of being home alone. Luke’s hand found Ashton’s in the darkness almost without meaning to and the little gasp that escaped the younger boy in the moment before he tightened his grip made Luke’s heart hurt.

“I’ll stay with you,” Luke promised, despite kind of wishing he hadn’t. He was afraid of what might happen and… and Ashton was so important to him (even if Luke _didn’t_ understand why yet). Luke didn’t want to mess things up before they’d even started.

“I get free pizza out of it,” he said, fighting for a weak smile. “Plus, you probably don’t have any bottles of toffee syrup at home either so I’m safer there.”

“Dork,” Ashton said loftily but his hazel eyes were glittering weakly. “What’s your favourite pizza topping?”

“As long as it hasn’t got pineapple on it then I don’t care,” Luke said vehemently, making Ashton pout. The younger boy's dimpled cheeks were still flushed from where they were holding hands though and the sparkle was back in his eyes again.

“Goodbye, Hawaiian,” Ashton said sadly and Luke gave a derisive snort.

“That’s the worst pizza in the world,” the blond boy said flatly, squeezing Ashton’s hand before he let it go hesitantly, burying both of his own in the pockets of his skinny jeans. “I’m doing you a favour by petulantly refusing to eat it, I promise you.”

Ashton rolled his eyes, looking away and trying hard not to smile as he led Luke down an unfamiliar street lined with houses that were a _lot_ nicer than the older boy’s.

“Are you going to be able to find your way back later?” Ashton asked worriedly and Luke shrugged, looking around for a landmark he could use to find his way home.

“Sure,” the blond boy said, pointing to a weird-looking tree across the road from them. “That tree over there looks like Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas,” Luke grinned. "I'll just look for that." Ashton gawped at him.

“Are you speaking English?” he asked blankly. “Only, I’m used to Harry randomly saying things that don’t make any sense to me and I’m pretty sure you just did the same thing.”

“Oh my god,” Luke said dramatically, hands finding their way onto Ashton’s shoulders as he stared at the younger boy in shock. Ashton started giggling and Luke’s smile fought its way across his face without his permission. “Are you telling me you’ve _never_ seen The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ash?”

“Nope. Never,” Ashton said but there was a tiny smile tugging at his lips, like joking with Luke made him feel happier. “Why? Is this a terrible flaw in my childhood? Are you going to tell me that I haven’t lived?”

“One hundred percent,” Luke said, trying hard to suppress his smile (and failing miserably). “Me and my best friend Mikey watch it every single year. It’s probably the best Tim Burton film ever made! I can’t _believe_ you haven’t seen it. You haven’t _lived_ , Ash!”

“There it is,” Ashton said wryly but his eyes were glittering. His dimples were creasing his cheeks again and Luke kind of wanted to brush them with his fingertips… wanted to find out if they were as deep as they looked.

“You have to watch it!” Luke said after a moment’s pause, blushing when he realised that Ashton seemed to be waiting for him to say something. “It’s really, _really_ good. I promise.”

“Do you want to watch it this evening then?” the younger boy asked hesitantly. His eyes looked soft in the moonlight as they walked down a strip of pavement that had no streetlights. “I have Netflix.”

“Sounds like a plan, Ash,” Luke said and the younger boy’s cheeks coloured.

“I like it when you call me Ash,” Ashton confessed softly. The blond boy’s hand found his again.

‘ _I like **you** ,' _Luke thought.

*

They were actually having a pretty great time.

Ashton seemed to like the film and Luke liked watching _Ashton_ – not in a creepy way honestly; the younger boy was just incredibly cute when he was enjoying a film – and they’d settled on a meat feast pizza with extra mushrooms too which was probably the nicest thing _ever_.

“I like this,” Ashton grinned, lying back on the sofa once he’d finished eating. The credits on the film were beginning to roll now and he looked stuffed as he covered his stomach with his hands, giggling into the sofa cushions. “I can’t believe Oogie Boogie was full of bugs! Disgusting!”

Ashton was beaming and Luke’s heart was actually fluttering pathetically in his chest because… damnit, he just didn’t _do_ things like this. He was good at seducing people – although he totally hated that word. He was good at making people want him but… but Luke didn’t know what to do when the situation was reversed, _especially_ when Ashton didn’t even seem to realise that he was doing it.

Luke was hyperaware of everywhere Ashton was touching him; his thigh was pressed warmly against Luke’s and his elbow brushed the blond boy’s ribs whenever he reached forwards to get his drink of coke from the table. Ashton’s cheeks were flushed with laughter and food, and he looked so content as he snuggled up beside the older boy that Luke didn’t ever want to leave him.

The weirdest part was that _Ashton_ didn’t seem to want to let go either.

He pouted for almost twenty minutes when Luke disappeared outside to have a cigarette at around half nine and it took Luke actually _tickling_ Ashton – again, completely innocently – for the younger boy to crack a smile again.

Ashton’s heart was pounding in his chest as the screen went black and he let his head fall to rest against Luke’s broad shoulder as the older boy slumped back down more comfortably onto the sofa beside him.

“Good film,” Ashton commented eventually and he chanced a glance up, a small smile curling his lips when he saw the glitter-soft look in Luke’s eyes, like he was pleased with himself almost. It was unbearably cute and Ashton was kind of freaking out because he couldn’t believe this was actually _happening_?!

Like… he totally had Luke Hemmings in his house... at night-time… _alone_ …

He couldn’t wait to tell Harry and Calum because, even if his two best friends _didn’t_ really seem to like Luke – something to do with worrying about their best friend or something – they would at least be impressed that Ashton was actually in this position in the first place.

The younger boy reached out to poke Luke randomly on the arm, smirking when Luke made a soft confused sound.

“Just making sure you’re real,” Ashton said stupidly before he hid his flaming face in the soft grey material of Luke’s t-shirt. The older boy lost his hoodie over an hour ago and the lean muscles rippling in his pale arms whenever he stretched were definitely amazing to look at.

“I don’t know why you hang out with me,” Ashton muttered but his head was still tucked beneath Luke’s chin and the older boy wrapped an arm around his shoulders hesitantly.

“It’s because you’re cute,” Luke explained teasingly and Ashton’s cheeks heated up. "Also, you're sassy and tiny, and it's really funny." Ashton huffed good-naturedly but he didn't pull away. The blond boy smelt nice beneath the lingering scent of smoke and his breath was warm as it ghosted across the younger boy’s face when Ashton looked up at him, tongue darting out to wet his lips unconsciously.

Luke’s piercing blue eyes were wide and unusually soft but they fluttered shut when Ashton’s fingers wound hesitantly through the short blond hairs growing at the base of his skull. The older boy’s lips were just a _hairsbreadth_ away when he faltered, letting out a soft sigh that tickled Ashton’s face.

“I can’t kiss you,” Luke whispered and there was something almost remorseful in his voice now. Ashton’s cheeks burnt and he looked down, hands falling to rest limply in his lap as he struggled to catch his breath.

Of course Luke didn't want to kiss him. Why _would_ he?

Maybe Ashton wouldn’t tell Harry and Calum about this after all.

“You’re just a kid,” Luke whispered and Ashton’s heart jerked painfully in his chest. He looked up sharply, cheeks flaming like someone had hit him. His irritation must have shown on his face because Luke looked upset now.

“I’m not a fucking kid,” Ashton snapped but he’d folded his arms across his chest tightly and it was hard to keep the sulky tone out of his voice. “If I’m old enough for my mum to start worrying about college then I’m _not_ a kid.” Ashton made a small noise of disgust, partly at the tears he could feel prickling his eyes and partly because he could see what _might_ have been fear in Luke’s eyes. “Stop acting like kissing you is such a big deal anyway. It’s just a fucking _kiss_ , Luke. But - fuck it, I don’t want to kiss you anyway. I don’t even _care_ so –”

Luke was watching him with soft eyes again, reluctance and mild fondness battling with _pain_ as he exhaled shakily.

“You’ve never kissed anyone before,” Luke guessed. “Have you, Ash?” Even that didn’t sound like a question. Ashton’s cheeks burnt hotter and he wiped his eyes furiously with his fist, angry with himself for getting upset in the first place.

If he didn’t wander around with his heart on his sleeve all the time then… then maybe this would never have happened.

“ _Shut_. _Up_.” Ashton's voice was thick with tears now.

“Ash…” Luke’s voice was almost pleading and Ashton looked up at him, hazel eyes red from where he’d rubbed them too hard. His eyelashes were spiky with tears and Ashton’s shame must have been painfully apparent because Luke swallowed audibly past the lump rising in his throat. “Ash, your first kiss should _mean_ something.”

Luke’s hadn’t, judging by the twisted look on his face. Ashton looked away as a tear burnt down his cheek, drying sticky there so that his curls stuck to his face. Luke brushed one away gently with his fingertips and Ashton’s breath heaved out of him like someone had kicked him in the stomach.

“It _would_ mean something,” Ashton said shakily but he couldn’t look at Luke. Not when his hazel eyes were welling up with boiling tears again. Not when Luke would probably be looking at him with pity saturating his expression. Ashton didn't think he'd be able to _stand_ that. “It _would_ ," he repeated shakily. "We had our own meet-cute. It was raining and everything.”

Luke’s forehead fell to rest gently against the younger boy’s.

“It was just like a film,” Ashton breathed but the tears were falling like stars from his eyes.

Luke’s arm found its way hesitantly around Ashton’s waist, hand sliding down to rest in the small of the younger boy’s back, and Ashton’s eyes fluttered shut when Luke tilted his head up with the fingers of his free hand curled gently around Ashton’s jaw.

“Life _isn’t_ like a film, Ash,” Luke whispered but his lips were warm when they brushed Ashton’s gently and the younger boy didn’t care about any of it.

Ashton’s eyes fluttered shut and he seemed to almost _melt_. Luke’s hand stayed comfortingly on his back and he was so gentle as the fingers that had been settled on Ashton’s chin slipped to tangle in the younger boy's soft hair. Luke didn’t deepen the kiss but it still left Ashton flushed scarlet when the blond boy finally drew away, forehead falling to rest against Ashton’s again.

“I should go,” Luke breathed but Ashton’s eyes were still squeezed tightly shut as his fingers drifted up to touch his full lips, like he couldn’t believe that had just happened. “I… I’ll see you around…”

“Tomorrow?” Ashton asked breathlessly but he didn’t open his eyes. Luke’s hand was warm as he squeezed Ashton’s shoulder gently.

“Tomorrow,” Luke confirmed.

He ruffled Ashton’s honey-coloured curls before he left, disappearing through the front door and shutting it carefully behind him. Ashton stayed sitting on the sofa but his eyes finally opened and he was surprised to find that they were still wet with tears.

‘ _Tomorrow_ ,’ Ashton thought dazedly, tear-wet hazel eyes wide in the darkness. His fingertips were trembling when he touched his lips again. ‘ _I’ll see Luke tomorrow_.’

Anne’s car pulled up into the driveway ten minutes later and Ashton pushed himself up off the sofa on numb legs, not particularly wanting to talk to his mum after… _that_.

Ashton saw Luke’s sky blue eyes sliding shut in his mind… felt his pale pink lips against Ashton’s mouth and the pads of his fingers stroking lightly over the younger boy’s scalp.

Ashton’s cheeks were hot and his eyes were wide as he realised he was shaking.

Ashton ran upstairs to hide in his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos :) <3


	4. Setting Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, despite the trigger warning below, this is actually mostly quite fluffy and stupid with more of my lame attempts at humour. But yeah, please be safe - I hope you guys will enjoy this! <3  
> Trigger warning for house fire.

Michael lived on the outskirts of town in a sprawling cabin his dad had built almost twenty years ago. The property was surrounded by eucalyptus trees and a high reddish-brown fence that smelt vaguely of creosote, and the fiery light of the setting sun reflected on the ripples spreading over the surface of the swimming pool as a light breeze stirred the water.

Michael liked living here. He could hear the ocean and the skies blazed at sunset, and it was beautiful. His parents loved it too, even if they _had_ offered to move when Michael got older, both of them worrying that he didn’t have enough space. Michael hadn’t let them though; he loved them both so much and they’d lived here ever since they’d got married, and he wasn’t going to take that away from them.

Michael wasn’t planning on sticking around for too much longer anyway. Michael wanted to find somewhere to live in the city, somewhere he could play his guitar and have it actually _mean_ something.

Michael had _plans_ –

And a pebble hitting him squarely in the back.

“You shit,” he said loftily when he turned to see his best friend standing in the driveway behind him, another pebble poised to throw. “Here I am, waiting here to meet you out of the kindness of my heart – and not at all because I forgot my door key and my parents aren’t home yet – and you try to bludgeon me to death with a tiny rock. Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not polite to throw things at people?”

Luke grinned, sunlight glinting off the black metal ring piercing his lip as he let the stone fall with a little cloud of dust.

“You dyed your hair without consulting me so you definitely deserve it,” Luke said, pretending to be offended. He loped forwards, dropping down easily onto the sun-warmed bonnet of Daryl Clifford’s car with an easy grace. “It suits you though,” Luke said, his impish grin proving to be infectious. “You look very punk rock.”

“Hmm… I _suppose_ I forgive you then,” Michael said but he was pouting a little bit. “Don’t leave it so long to come and see me though, you dick. I bet you’re not going to school so you literally have zero excuses,” he added. “And, if you _aren’t_ going to come round, answer your damn phone!”

“I never remember my phone,” Luke said defensively, rolling his eyes as he lay back on the bonnet. Michael slumped down beside him, wishing vaguely for a beer or something. “I’d just end up losing it anyway. I’m dumb as fuck.”

Michael’s emerald green eyes were hard as he looked over at his best friend, taking in Luke’s squared jaw and the way he was purposefully avoiding Michael’s gaze.

“Is that what your dickhead brother said?” the older boy asked quietly. Luke jerked his shoulder up in a half-hearted shrug. “Well, he’s fucking wrong,” the blue-haired boy snapped.

Luke lit a cigarette in lieu of answering but he also leant a little closer to Michael, arm pressed warmly up against him, and the older boy knew Luke appreciated it.

“How’s your stupid head healing up?” Michael asked, trying to break the tension, and Luke gave him a wounded look but his lips were twitching faintly like he was fighting a smile.

“My brains aren’t falling out all over the floor so that’s something to be grateful for I guess,” Luke said sarcastically, taking a deep drag of the cigarette. Luke was smoking it very quickly tonight which meant he was worrying about something but at least his head was healing. Michael pouted at him to hide his relief.

“That’s presupposing there were any brains there in the first place,” the older boy said smartly, automatically going for a typical eleven year old’s insult because he couldn’t think of anything better.

“Too much banter,” Luke said dramatically, pretending to drown in it. Michael elbowed him in the ribs and Luke barked out a laugh, loud in the quiet of the evening. The sun was sinking overhead and Michael was pleased Luke had shown up tonight.

“I missed you, you fucking idiot,” Michael muttered, bumping Luke lightly with his shoulder. The blond boy grinned, leaning to stub out his cigarette on the ground before he settled back down again, pulling the sleeves of his leather jacket down over his hands like maybe he was getting cold. Michael’s freshly-dyed hair was falling into his eyes when he looked up at Luke but the blond boy’s faint smile died on his lips when the older boy risked turning fully to face his best friend.

Immediately, the blue-haired boy regretted it because, although he couldn’t actually _feel_ the evening sunlight warming the left side of his face, he knew the burn had to be illuminated now. Luke swallowed audibly past the lump in his throat, expression becoming nothing short of agonised as Michael resisted the urge to cover his cheek with his shaking hand.

“Stop looking at me like I just ran your grandma over,” he said softly, unable to snap at Luke when he knew _why_ the younger boy looked so haunted at the sight of the burns on his best friend’s face.

”Sorry,” Luke croaked but he looked lost.

Briefly, Michael’s vision jarred and he remembered the choking smoke billowing out of the open front door; Luke’s brothers being restrained by paramedics and the desperate shouting as Michael barged past them, bursting into the house; the wall of flames that greeted him as the sounds of Luke’s parents screaming for help reached his ears; Luke sobbing – curled up and burning and waiting to die – before Michael stole him from the flames, hauling him outside into the cool night air as his lungs filled with smoke.

Michael remembered how he slowly became aware of the fact that his cheek felt sticky as Luke lay there in the blackened grass, rasping for breath as his clothes stuck to his burnt skin. Michael remembered the rumble the house made when the roof caved in and the awful crackling sound of the hungry flames as Luke’s parents stopped screaming inside… as the dog stopped barking… as the windows exploded with the heat and Michael tried to keep Luke safe from the glass by shielding him with his body…

Michael remembered the paramedics dragging them both towards the ambulance, to safety… remembered Luke’s burns and the panic that started to saturate Michael as the adrenaline bled away, leaving only shock and agony behind as the pain in his face began to reach new heights…

Michael woke up from nightmares sometimes and he could feel the burning searing pain again – even though usually he couldn’t feel _anything_ there. Sometimes the dreams were so vivid that Michael remembered the awful taste of the smoke… and he didn’t regret it even for a moment.

“You weren’t even supposed to _be_ there,” Luke whispered and Michael swallowed past the lump in his throat, wrapping a gentle arm around Luke’s shoulders, as much to comfort _himself_ as the younger boy. “You were only coming round so I could apologise.”

“Fuck that,” Michael said, voice thick and tearful. “You’re my _brother_. I wasn’t going to leave you, even if you _were_ being an argumentative wanker all day… so stop blaming yourself. I _love_ you, you stupid arse.”

Luke’s tiny bubble of laughter sounded tearful as he shrugged away defensively and Michael fought down against the memories, blinking hard to clear the tears from his eyes.

Luke’s hand found his on the bonnet but neither of them spoke.

They didn’t let go for a very long time.

*

Luke’s thoughts were far away as he sat there, thinking pointedly of the seagulls cawing overhead and the crash of the waves instead of the darker things that kept him awake at night.

“Tell me something nice,” Michael said suddenly, after almost twenty minutes of silence.

They were still sitting on the bonnet, watching the dying sunlight glitter weakly on the waves as they rolled in, washing away all the debris left on the beach. Luke was shivering a little and he hoped Michael would wrongly assume it was because he was cold; the older boy just squeezed his hand tighter though so Luke figured maybe Michael knew him better after all.

“What do you want me to say?” the blond boy asked weakly. Michael was undeterred.

“Something nice,” the older boy repeated. “Something new. Something _now_.”

‘ _Something to distract us then,_ ’ Luke thought wryly but he couldn’t very well blame Michael for trying to think of a subject change. Thinking about the past was fucking _painful_.

“Um…” Luke dropped Michael’s hand so that he could pull his knees up to his chest, holding them there. Michael leant against him and Luke’s head fell onto his best friend’s shoulder. “I’ve maybe kind of met someone?”

The words were out before Luke had a chance to overthink them and Michael made a small surprised sound in the back of his throat. Luke probably only heard it because he was sitting so close to him.

“Well, that’s exciting,” Michael said cautiously but Luke didn’t grumble at him because the older boy sounded unusually sincere. Luke shrugged half-heartedly, turning his face away into Michael’s neck to hide the fact that he was kind of blushing. Michael smelt like laundry detergent and mint; he smelt _safe_.

“He… he’s called Ashton,” Luke muttered, trying to pretend that there _wasn’t_ a tiny smile curving his lips. “He works in the coffee shop in town – the one I dramatically crashed outside of, right?”

“Oh my god,” Michael said, green eyes wide and glittering. “Is that how you guys met? That’s like a really fucked up meet-cute. Oh my god, bro!”

“Not you too!” Luke whined. He dropped his head onto his knees so that his voice came out muffled and Michael snorted, squeezing Luke’s broad shoulder reassuringly through his leather jacket. “That’s what Ash said too… right before we…”

Luke’s voice trailed away and his cheeks heated, and Michael was actually staring at him in shock now.

“Luke, I know you do freaky shit with those people you meet in clubs. What the _hell_ have you got left to blush about?” Michael asked but there was honest curiosity in his tone so the blond boy found he couldn’t get _too_ offended.

“Rude,” Luke said, just because. His cheeks were still embarrassingly pink though. “It’s just… well… I mean we kissed… but…”

“But you’ve never felt this way about someone before?” Michael teased but his eyes widened and his expression became softer when, instead of arguing, Luke looked down at the ground as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Yeah,” Luke breathed. His pale pink lips tugged up into a tiny smile and he groaned with embarrassment when Michael’s arm found its way comfortingly around his waist.

“Happy for you, bro,” the older boy said gently but Luke was a pretty impressive shade of scarlet now so Michael decided to take pity on him.

“I have a cute boy too,” he declared and Luke looked up at him in surprise. Michael immediately bit his lip. “Well, that was _sort of_ a lie,” he amended. “What I mean is… there’s like this _incredibly_ cute smiley boy in the corridors at school with, like, _chocolate_ -coloured eyes, I swear down… and he keeps looking at me… like, a _lot_ … but not in the way most people do, y’know?”

Luke’s expression flickered for a moment as Michael’s hand twitched unconsciously towards his cheek but neither of them commented on it. Slowly, Luke let a little smile twist his lips.

“Are you going to talk to him then?” the blond boy asked and Michael shrugged, dropping his free hand to lace his fingers with Luke’s. It stopped the blond boy from trembling faintly and Michael relaxed.

“Maybe,” he said. “I don’t know. We don’t have any of the same classes at all so I’m guessing he’s a bit younger than me.”

“Oh,” Luke blurted out, sky blue eyes widening fractionally. “And that doesn’t bother you?” he asked but his voice sounded tight so he knew it hadn’t come off as casual as he’d hoped. Michael gave him a vaguely funny look.

“Um… _no_ … Why would it? It’s not like he’s a little kid. It’s not like I’d be cradle snatching. _Jesus_.”

“Just Luke is fine,” the blond boy said automatically but his eyes still looked distracted. “So… you don’t think sixteen is… too young?”

“No. We’re only eighteen, bro,” Michael pointed out with a shrug. “And, as much as I hate to say it, sixteen’s legal, right?” Michael grimaced as he spoke, like he felt guilty for even thinking that. “So you’ve literally got nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah,” Luke mumbled but he was distracted again, thinking about Ashton’s lips on his… the way things were sort of strained between them right now, because they both kept blushing and were too shy to bring up what had happened. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Oh _please_ ,” Michael said dismissively. “I’m _always_ right, you loser. When will you learn?” Luke just rolled his eyes fondly but he was still processing what Michael had said about the boy who kept smiling at him in the corridors.

“I wish _we’d_ got into the same secondary school,” Luke sighed and Michael didn’t tease him for the seemingly random subject change. He just held Luke closer, hand rising to deliberately destroy the blond boy’s quiff.

Luke scowled as his hands flew up to fix it and, once they were both tangled in his hair, Michael reached out to tickle his sides. The blond boy slid off the car bonnet and landed on the dusty ground with a dull thud, and Michael was laughing right up until Luke dragged him down by the ankle.

“You actual shit!” Luke huffed but his blue eyes were glittering. Michael was glad they could still mess around like this. “I take back what I said earlier! You don’t look punk rock – you look like a blueberry muffin!”

“Fucking rude!” Michael yelled but he was laughing all the same. “Don’t call me a muffin! They’re all round and lumpy – that’s hurtful!”

“Shut up, you _muffin_ ,” Luke said spitefully but his lips were twitching. “I think you’ve bruised my arse knocking me off this car. Thanks for nothing, you fucking dick.”

“ _Suck_ my dick!” Michael shouted, just because he couldn’t think of a better comeback. Then they both cringed and shuddered which only made them laugh harder.

“I’m glad you came round,” Michael said when they were beginning to calm down and Luke smiled, getting clumsily to his feet and extending a hand to help his best friend up.

“I’m glad I came round too,” he said. “I have to go home now though, muffin. I kind of need to pee and, as much as I like probably denting your dad’s car with you, I don’t fancy peeing in your front garden. Your mum will attack me if I destroy her flowers.”

“Nice, Luke,” Michael said dryly before he raised an eyebrow. “Destroy them though? _Really_? What’s in your piss? Acid?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Luke said stupidly but Michael reached to tickle him again – apparently completely done with his shit now – and Luke danced away.

“You’re such an idiot,” Michael told him but he sounded _way_ too fond for the words to have any sting behind them. “Now when can I meet your mysterious Ashton? I have to see if he’s good enough for my little Lukey after all.”

“Oh my god, don’t you fucking dare pull the embarrassing parent card,” Luke begged and he couldn’t even feel sad when Michael’s eyes were sparkling because he was a little shit, and it was making Luke’s heart feel lighter in his chest.

“Y’know, if you promise not to be a gigantic arsehole, I _suppose_ you could come with me to the coffee shop…”

“How often do you go?” Michael asked curiously and Luke felt his cheeks heat.

“Um… maybe… y’know… every day.”

Michael’s face lit up.

“You’re so smitten!” he said accusingly, pointing his finger into Luke’s face. “Look at you! Luke Robert _I’m-So-Smitten_ Hemmings. Wow, I never thought this day would come.”

“You actual dick. That wasn’t even funny,” Luke said but he was grinning anyway, dimples showing faintly in his cheeks. “Come with me tomorrow or something. I’ll text you where it is later.”

“Sure, sure,” Michael said but his full lips were tugging up into a smile now and Luke was glad to see him so happy. “Go home now. Don’t pee in my garden.”

Luke grinned, raising his middle finger as he backed away towards the pavement.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, bro,” he grinned. “Hope you don’t have to stay out here _all_ night.”

Michael rolled his eyes but he’d barely opened his mouth to say something sarcastic when his mum’s car appeared over the hill. Michael smiled smugly but there was something softer in his expression as he watched the younger boy leave.

“I really am glad you’re alright, Luke,” Michael called after his best friend and the blond boy rolled his piercing blue eyes fondly as they glinted in the fiery evening light.

“I love you too, Mikey,” Luke grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought :) <3


	5. Lost His Nerve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure how happy I am with this update. I was excited to write it for ages but I accidentally made it a tiny bit sadder than I meant to and then… yeah… I’m not convinced. I hope you guys will like it though. Some Stuff happens!  
> Enjoy <3

They were playing football in PE and someone had decided to put Harry in goal which was clearly a _terrible_ idea. He just stood there admiring his fingernails and squinting up into the washed-out sky as a crow rode the wind currents overhead. His dark hair was especially curly from the shower he’d taken that morning and his green eyes looked surprisingly refreshed.

By comparison, Ashton probably looked like a zombie. He hadn’t slept properly since Luke had kissed him – partly because he hadn’t told anyone yet and it was kind of eating him up inside, and partly because – whenever he thought about it – he was suddenly burning up but, you know, _details_ …

Ashton wasn’t getting enough time to finish all of his homework during his breaks at the coffee shop either so he was staying up until almost two every night, just trying to get things finished.

“Boys! Concentrate!” their PE teacher bellowed from the side-lines. The ball went soaring over their heads again and their teammates shouted at them. Ashton couldn’t quite find it in himself to care though. They were going to do their best to break his face anyway so why should he bother breaking a sweat?

“Guys, I need to tell you both something,” Ashton said suddenly. Calum was hovering nearby, arms folded tightly over his chest as he shivered in the stupid little shorts and t-shirt they had to wear for PE. He looked cold and small and supremely pissed off, and one of his knee-high socks had fallen down around his ankle. Ashton felt sorry for him.

“What?” Calum grunted. Harry looked up curiously, green eyes twinkling.

“You know I told you that Luke came back to my house after my shift?” he said. Harry’s jaw dropped, like he already knew where this was going. Calum just looked confused.

“Sure,” the dark-haired boy said slowly. “You guys watched that Tim Burton film, right?”

“Right,” Ashton agreed animatedly, dimples creasing his cheeks. He must not usually look this happy at school because someone shouted something vaguely abusive at him from where they were actually trying to play football nearby, and it was rude enough that it made the teacher blow her whistle. Ashton ignored them, even as Calum flinched.

“Well… there was a bit I didn’t tell you…” Ashton’s voice trailed away suggestively, and Calum’s eyes got all wide and scared-looking. Harry was starting to smile.

“You and Luke kissed,” Calum said – and was it the curly-haired boy’s attention or did he look faintly betrayed? – but Ashton was remembering the feeling of Luke’s lips now and his hazel eyes were probably sparkling like a Disney princess. He was surprised the crow overhead hadn’t started to whistle a tune actually and – wow, did Ashton _really_ just think that? Sickening. Absolutely sickening.

“Yeah, we did,” Ashton said, and his voice came out all breathy and pathetic. The football went firing into the goal over their heads and the roars of their team could be heard again.

The three of them were far too busy to care.

“This is why you kept blushing,” Harry said. “This is why you refused to talk. This is why you were being all… all _timide_.”

“Shy?” Calum asked and Harry rolled his eyes.

“He means _coy_ ,” Ashton said but he was frowning at Harry like it was an insult. “Stop judging me, Styles. You’re supposed to be _pleased_ … unless you’re jealous that you’re not the only one in the group who’s been kissed?”

Harry made an angry snorting noise that basically confirmed it.

“As if,” he said, all bluster and glittering eyes. “As if I’m jealous of that!”

“Wow, you really _are_ jealous, Harry,” Calum teased, playing along.

“ _Arrêtez_!” Harry yelled but it was clear that he was trying not to smile. “Stop being such _petit enfants_!”

Ashton rolled his eyes fondly.

“How’s your _romancing_ going, Harry?” he asked teasingly, wiggling his eyebrows stupidly. Harry flicked his wavy hair back over his shoulder dramatically.

“Louis is accompanying me tomorrow night. We’re going to the cinema,” Harry said. Ashton liked Harry’s accent. He liked how he made Louis’ name sound like poetry.

“Is it a date?” Calum asked, dark eyes wide with surprise. He looked small as he stood there and that was only accentuated when the football came flying towards them, whacking him in the shoulder. Ashton pulled Calum up from where he’d sprawled face-down in the mud.

“It’s not a date,” Harry said but he looked concerned as he picked a strand of grass from Calum’s dark curls. Harry poked Calum’s lips and the younger boy’s pout became more pronounced. “Why are you frowning?”

“I’m not frowning,” Calum said which was clearly a gigantic lie. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Go away. Go and be a goalkeeper or something.”

Harry gave him a scathing look as he marched back towards the goal but not before he wiped a smear of mud from Calum’s cheek with the pad of his thumb (so he wasn’t _too_ annoyed with them). Ashton looked at the older boy’s long legs as he came to a dramatic stop, leaning against the goalpost with his arms folded over his chest. Ashton wished _his_ legs were longer. He hated being short.

“I can’t believe you’ve kissed someone,” Calum breathed and Ashton frowned at him, squinting faintly because he’d left his glasses in the changing room and everything looked a bit blurry without them. “I can’t believe you kissed _Luke_ …”

“You don’t look happy for me,” Ashton said and the dark-haired boy made a little scoffing noise, like he couldn’t believe Ashton sometimes. “You could at least look excited.”

“But I’m not,” Calum said blankly, sounding kind of stunned. “Like… I don’t think he… cares as much as you do. He doesn’t seem as bothered…” Calum’s voice trailed away but Ashton flinched like the younger boy had slapped him. He didn’t move away though; he just stood there, feeling a lot like his stomach had dropped out the bottom of his feet because he couldn’t understand why Calum was saying these things.

“Are you _scared_ of Luke?” Ashton asked with a frown, voice weak. “Is that why you always leave when he turns up? Why you don’t want to talk to him?”

“ _No_ ,” Calum said, voice brittle, hands trembling faintly. There was more mud on his cheek but Ashton definitely wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. “No. I just… Wait, what will your mum say?” Calum asked suddenly, still wide-eyed and soft-looking. Ashton kind of wanted to push him over in the mud.

“Shut up,” Ashton said, brushing his curls back from his forehead messily. “Stop saying things like that. Stop making me think this is bad, Calum. That’s not fair. I can’t help it if you’re jealous of me –”

“I can’t _believe_ you,” Calum snapped but his dark eyes were shining with tears now and Ashton felt abruptly awful. “Why do you always have to make things about _you_?!”

Calum shoved Ashton’s shoulder but there was no force behind it and the older boy pulled Calum into a hug. The dark-haired boy kicked him weakly in the shin before his arms slipped around his best friend’s shoulders.

“Fuck you, Ash,” Calum said tearfully but he was still clinging to him. “You fucking dick.”

“Harsh,” Harry said as he wandered over to see what was going on. Nobody denied it though. “Why are we verbally assaulting Ashton?”

“He also kicked me,” the curly-haired boy pointed out and Harry’s eyebrow rose.

“Because he’s taller than I am,” Calum invented wildly and the oldest boy nodded like it made perfect sense. Ashton rolled his eyes but Calum’s fingers were still knotted in the hem of his t-shirt and he had a feeling his best friend wasn’t going to be letting go anytime soon.

“We need to go and get changed before someone shoves our bags in the toilet again,” Harry said suddenly and… yeah, he probably had a point.

“C’mon then, Rapunzel,” Ashton said, reaching out to tug lightly at one of Harry’s long curls. The older boy watched him blankly for a moment before he suddenly smirked.

“Ah, _Raiponce_ ,” he realised before he shrugged like he didn’t totally hate the nickname. “Very good. Now hurry up.”

Ashton and Calum fell into step beside him but they hung back a little because Ashton’s hands were trembling faintly when he heard Calum’s breath catch nervously in his throat, like he was about to say something. Then the younger boy exhaled shakily and Ashton realised he’d lost his nerve.

“You’re _really_ not scared of Luke?” the older boy prompted gently as they followed their (definitely pissed off) teammates back towards the changing rooms. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Calum said, curling his little finger around Ashton’s before the older boy simply took his hand instead. “It’s just… I’m more scared of what it makes me _feel_ … Like, I’m jealous of you because the guy you like likes you back and… and Michael doesn’t even…” Calum faltered, shaking his head sadly. “Look, whatever… I’m jealous… but I don’t want to be.” Calum’s eyes looked wet again. “I’m just… I’m scared I’m going to lose you, Ash… and I’m sorry. I know I’m being unreasonable. It’s really stupid. I just… you’re really important to me. I want you to be okay.”

As the pair of them walked along beneath the grey sky, Ashton was struck with the sudden thought that Calum was a _lot_ more mature than he was… not a kid at all.

The dark-haired boy still looked sad though and Ashton hated it so much.

It made him angry at Michael Clifford for not knowing Calum existed.

“I want you to be okay too, Cal,” Ashton said suddenly and his best friend’s hand tightened around his own.

When Calum smiled weakly as he let his head fall to rest on the older boy’s shoulder, Ashton knew that it would be.

*

Ashton thought it said a lot about how bad the weather had been that it felt weird to be working at the coffee shop when it _wasn’t_ practically storming outside. The glass of the window was fogged up with condensation and the darkening evening outside was mostly hidden from view, reduced to the glow of streetlights and the shadows of passers-by as they walked down the street in front of the coffee shop.

Louis was out tonight with Harry – they were “definitely not on a date” – so Ashton and Ashley were sharing the Friday evening shift. The older girl was leaving soon so Ashton had to lock up tonight but his mum was coming to pick him and Calum up so it probably could have been worse.

The younger boy had decided to keep Ashton company and he was sitting at the counter on a stool now, chin resting on his hand as he wearily filled in a sheet of homework. He had a cooling hot chocolate next to him and he looked sleepy as he sat bundled up, wearing Ashton’s school jumper over his own because he got cold easily.

Ever since their argument the day before during PE, Calum had only left Ashton’s side when they had to go home. He was so clingy but it was kind of sweet and Ashton felt guilty when he remembered what his best friend had said: “ _I’m scared I’m going to lose you, Ash._ ”

Ashton’s face crumpled a bit as he thought about that and he took it out on the counter, wiping it harder with the damp cloth as Ashley disappeared into the back room to change the radio station that was playing. Ashton found a coffee bean lying on the counter and he picked it up, tossing it lightly at Calum’s nose.

The dark-haired boy spluttered, looking up irritably and trying to pretend that he was more annoyed than he was. The older girl returned, rolling her eyes at them both as she swiped the cloth from Ashton and went to wipe the tables. Ashton could hear her singing along to the sort of indie crap Harry usually liked but it was kind of soothing and it made an easy smile spread over Ashton’s face which only seemed to annoy the younger boy more.

“Can I help you, Ash?” Calum asked grumpily, eyeing Ashton warily in case he had any more coffee beans stashed on his person.

“Nope,” Ashton grinned but his expression softened faintly as he reached out to punch Calum lightly on the shoulder. “I just wanted to tell you that you’re one of my best friends and I love you a lot.”

“So you decided to throw a coffee bean at me instead?” Calum asked but he looked mollified. “I suppose you’re not so bad yourself, you dick.”

“Calum, my heart is melting,” Ashton said, hand on his chest dramatically. The dark-haired boy snorted at him, starting to mutter something that probably would have been offensive if he’d actually got a chance to finish.

Fortunately, the bell over the door chimed – Ashton had _literally_ been saved by the bell – and two familiar boys entered. Ashton’s mouth dropped open in shock when he saw Luke and _Michael Clifford_ walking in together. Calum squeaked and spilt hot chocolate all over himself which, let’s face it, probably _wasn’t_ the first impression he’d been going for.

“Hey, Ash,” Luke said softly and the younger boy’s face lit up.

“Luke!” Ashton said delightedly, dimples creasing his cheeks. Calum’s face was flaming though and he looked a lot like he was going to cry as he stared down at the drink spreading over his clothes in mild horror. Michael – who was looking slightly concerned now but unusually pink-faced – grabbed a handful of napkins from the counter and hurried over, much to Luke’s apparent amusement.

“That’s my best friend Mikey,” Luke said cheerfully as he came to a stop in front of Ashton. The younger boy grinned despite himself.

“I know! He goes to my school. Calum’s been crushing on Michael _forever_ ,” the curly-haired boy said, and Luke’s blue eyes twinkled with surprise and fondness as they turned to look at their friends.

An amused-looking Michael was holding a wad of napkins and largely failing at trying to help a blushing Calum clean the front of – _damnit_! – Ashton’s jumper. That was karma for throwing the coffee bean, Ashton supposed.

“Haven’t I seen you around school?” Michael asked Calum quietly, burnt face crinkling as he smiled, blue hair vibrant in the soft lighting of the coffee shop. Calum looked like all of his dreams were coming true.

“Yeah,” he said breathlessly, chocolate brown eyes sparkling. “My name’s Calum. Hi.”

Michael laughed but the sound was soft as he gave Calum’s outstretched hand this silly little shake.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Michael. I’ve been meaning to ask your name for ages. I just kept referring to you as Cute Boy in my head. It was getting embarrassing.”

Calum flailed a little bit, spilt the last of the hot chocolate all over his homework sheet but didn’t even seem to care because his dimples were creasing his cheeks and there was some soppy song playing on the radio, and Michael was still holding his hand.

“Mikey’s been crushing on Calum too,” Luke said knowledgeably from nearby and Ashton jumped, vaguely startled and embarrassed at having been caught staring as he turned to face the older boy. Luke’s lips looked a lot like they needed to be kissed again. Ashton felt himself turning red. “I didn’t realise Calum was Michael’s ‘ _incredibly cute smiley boy_ ’ until now though.”

“Maybe they can… _date_ …” Ashton’s voice went all wobbly and pathetic but Luke’s eyes were soft as he folded his arms on the polished wood of the counter, leaning closer.

“Maybe they can,” Luke said but it didn’t feel like he was talking about Calum and Michael anymore. Ashton smiled without meaning to and Luke reached out to poke his dimple lightly with his fingertip. “I like your dimples,” Luke said and Ashton beamed at him.

“I like your face,” he said stupidly before he blushed bright red. Luke laughed and Ashton had to fight the urge to start head-butting things like Dobby did in Harry Potter whenever he messed up.

“No bruises today,” Luke noticed, relief palpable in his voice. “So you can’t blame _that_ on banging your head. Do you _really_ like my face?” he teased, fluttering his eyelashes in a silly way. Ashton laughed but he still buried his head in his hands.

“Shut up,” he said despairingly, voice coming out all muffled and thick with embarrassment. “You look like you have something in your eye.”

“You’re so mean to me,” Luke complained but he was smiling when Ashton peeked at him through his fingers, black lip-ring glinting in the soft lights as his lips tugged up. “Now stop hiding like a frightened hedgehog. I have an invitation.”

“An invitation?” Ashton asked with a weak frown, straightening up. Luke’s brow creased faintly.

“A… a suggestion,” Luke corrected himself before he pulled a face, trying again: “Or… or a question. _Something_. I don’t know. I wasn’t going to ask you like this.”

Ashton’s heart was beating too fast in his chest. His fingers found the coffee bean on the counter and he squashed it between his fingertips.

“What are you asking me?” Ashton whispered and Luke’s expression flickered, revealed a whole _ocean_ of wariness that almost took Ashton’s breath away as his anxiety flared inside him.

“I… I’ve been thinking… about what we said that evening, right? About our meet-cute.” Luke’s voice wobbled a little bit but Ashton pretended not to notice. “I was thinking about… about how I like you, Ash. A lot.”

Ashton was quite glad he was gripping the edge of the counter hard with both hands because otherwise he might have fallen over. Luke’s cheeks were unusually red but he was smiling shyly, head ducked forwards so that his blond hair fell down across his forehead.

“Really?” Ashton breathed but the smile must have been audible in his voice because Luke looked up at him in surprise.

“Really, really,” the blond boy said. The unspoken question in his eyes burnt like blue fire.

Ashton smiled.

“I really like you too,” he said but he sounded winded, like someone had just shoved him straight into a locker. This didn’t hurt though and that made all the difference in the world.

“Do you want to go on a date with me, Ash?” Luke asked, voice hopeful but surprisingly timid. The silence following that statement lasted for almost ten seconds (and Ashton refused to be judged for it because he needed to remember how to breathe again first).

“I’d _love_ that,” Ashton said, several octaves too high, and Luke’s relieved laugh was like music to his ears. Ashton’s smile stretched across his face without his permission and… and his bruises were fading and his mum hadn’t argued with him so much lately, and Luke was grinning like the cat who’d got the cream now, and Ashton – perhaps misguidedly – allowed himself to think that maybe his luck had finally changed.

Maybe things were going to get _better_ now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this!  
> I don't know if I did or not but fingers crossed this wasn't too bad.  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Also if you wanted to come say hi to me on my tumblr at merlypops.tumblr.com i would be so happy about that <3


	6. Red Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sorry for the wait. I just haven't felt very good these past few days and I didn't want to make this fic angsty yet (spoilers?) so I hope I did this justice.  
> I'm not sure how happy I am with this update but I hope you guys will like it anyway.  
> Fingers crossed you enjoy <3

It was cold on Saturday morning, the day dawning bright and crisp. Ashton had his first date with Luke today – his first date _ever_ – and he was only kind of freaking out about it. He just… he couldn’t really wrap his head around how they’d ended up here. Luke had said he was just a _kid_ a few weeks ago and… and now they were _dating_.

Sort of. Nearly. Impossibly.

Ashton had already decided he was going to wear skinny jeans and the new boots his mum hadn’t wanted him to get but he didn’t know what top to wear. Logically, Ashton was pretty sure he was worrying needlessly; Luke had only ever seen him in his school uniform or the hideous coffee shop apron so anything would _probably_ be a step in the right direction but it was still difficult.

Ashton’s mum Anne appeared in the doorway when he let out this dramatic sound like he was about to start crying.

“You’re not getting ready for work?” she asked carefully. Her soft blonde hair hung in a loose plait down her back and she looked ridiculously wide awake for half past nine in the morning.

“Ashley’s covering my shift today,” Ashton said, crossing his arms loosely over his bare chest as he frowned into his wardrobe. “I have a thing later actually.” His cheeks flushed and Ashton spoke without thinking. “A _date_.”

“Really?” Anne’s eyes were soft as she walked in, sitting down in the swivel chair at her only son’s desk as he started to rifle through his clothes again. “Who with?”

“Someone I met at the coffee shop.” Ashton carefully didn’t mention the fact that it wasn’t a girl and his mum didn’t ask although there was a faint frown on her face all the same. She found it hard to deal with the fact that Ashton was gay after her own parents had been so against it but she was trying and she seemed to find it easier to process these days. He hoped she’d be okay with it in the end.

“What’s his name?” she asked and her voice was gentler than he would have imagined. Ashton’s cheeks tinged red despite himself.

“Luke,” he said. She was watching him with the faintest trace of concern on her face and Ashton hurried to placate her. “You don’t have to worry though,” he said quickly. “We’re going bowling and then Macca’s or something so it’s fine. And I’ll get all my homework done before I go, honestly! I’m going over to Cal’s this morning so we can do it there.”

“I see,” Anne said but her eyes were twinkling faintly. “I hope you’ll have fun then. Be careful.” Ashton smiled, dimples creasing his cheeks although he was faintly surprised that she was so calm about it. Then again, maybe he’d just been giving her a hard time.

“I think you should wear the new grey jumper I bought you,” she added as she left the room.

Ashton was still smiling when he wriggled into it.

Maybe his mum wasn’t so bad after all.

*

Calum was nervous. Like… really, _really_ nervous. The sort of nervous where he couldn’t eat any breakfast and kept pacing around the living room. Also, he’d barely slept last night. This might be a problem.

He knew his date with Michael would go okay. They were only going to the cinema and to grab some food anyway so it couldn’t exactly go that badly wrong but… but he was more worried about _Ashton_.

Calum hadn’t forgotten what he’d said that day on the football pitch – “ _I don’t think he cares as much as you do_.” – and Calum hadn’t changed his mind. He was worried Ashton was going to get hurt.

Calum had spoken to Harry about it on the phone last night too and, although the older boy hadn’t out and out _said_ that he didn’t really trust Luke, the insinuation was there.

The only reason Calum was prepared to give Luke the benefit of the doubt was because he was Michael’s best friend after all but… that had to count for _something_ , right?

Ashton was sitting at Calum’s kitchen table now, glasses sliding down his nose as he fiddled with his beanie, head bowed as he read his scribbled essay notes. Calum was currently lying spread out on the living room carpet with his maths textbook open in front of him, trying to get his head around converting fractions. It wasn't really working though unfortunately and their exams were getting closer every day.

That was how Mali found her younger brother twenty minutes later when she unlocked the door and walked in: he was lying dramatically on the floor, eyes shut in despair as he used his textbook for a pillow.

“I only came home to collect some more stuff,” Mali said, referring to the fact that she had recently moved in with her boyfriend Tom and had left rather a lot of her things behind. “But I can see now that I apparently need to stage an intervention instead. What’s up, Cal? Sofa not comfy enough for you?”

“I’m waiting for someone to step on me so I die,” Calum said, voice muffled in the smooth pages of the book. Mali snorted, flopping down onto the floor beside him. Ashton called out a distracted-sounding greeting from the kitchen but he was still working. Mali propped her head up in her palm as Calum shot her a wounded look.

“You have a date today,” she said suddenly, eyes twinkling. “Nan told me. She said mum texted her.” Calum gave a muffled groan and, although Mali laughed at him, her expression was soft. “Why don’t you look more excited, Cal? It’s your first date!”

“Exactly!” Calum itched to get up and start pacing again but he resisted the urge. He’d been doing that for hours the night before. “I mean… _Michael Clifford_ is going on a date with… with _me_ …” Calum shook his head slowly but he looked a bit lost. “I mean… this kind of thing doesn’t happen. _Ever_.” Calum lowered his voice so that there was no chance of Ashton hearing at all. “What if Michael stops liking me?”

Mali wrapped her arm gently around his shoulder without speaking.

“He’s older and cooler than me, and he’s pretty and I think he’s been through quite a lot so he’s all _interesting_ and stuff…” Calum spoke before Mali could get a word in but his face was falling until he looked like a sad puppy. “And I’m just me, Mali. What is there for him to like?”

Her face creased but she kissed his nose like she used to when he was only little, making him giggle.

“There’s _you_ , Cal,” she said softly and there was no room for argument. “That’s the only thing that matters.”

 *

Luke was still arguing with himself over whether or not this had been a bad idea right up until he turned the corner and saw Ashton waiting outside the coffee shop. Then Luke’s worries fell away from him like water and he let out a little huff of breath when Ashton darted forwards to hug him.

“Hey, Ash,” Luke said softly and the younger boy’s hazel eyes took his breath away. “I like your jumper.”

“Thanks. My mum picked it out,” Ashton said before abruptly blushing scarlet. Calum – who had been waiting nearby – snorted with laughter but Luke was kind of cringing because that made Ashton sound really young again… and it made him sad because his mum… Fuck, Luke’s _mum_.

“Well I think it’s nice,” Luke said but his voice sounded a little bit rough as he supressed his emotions. Ashton shot him a hesitant look, keeping his arm wrapped loosely around the taller boy’s waist. Luke leant against him, hand rising to settle on the younger boy’s shoulder.

He wished being this close to Ashton didn’t comfort him so much. He wished this didn't feel so _easy_.

“Michael will be here soon, Calum,” Luke said suddenly, remembering the text the blue-haired boy had sent him as he’d struggled to choose his outfit. “He asked me to wait with you ‘til he gets here. He was worrying about you.”

Calum’s cheeks heated with blood but he was smiling as he looked down at the floor. His fingers tugged nervously at the hem of the Cobain top he was wearing under his plaid shirt and Ashton frowned at him.

“You look cute, Cal. Stop it.”

“He’s right,” Luke said and Calum flushed a worrying shade of red. The blond boy reached out to fix Calum’s collar and Ashton smiled, biting his lip like the excitement and nervousness Calum could so clearly feel were tangible… or maybe he just felt the same about Luke.

The blond boy’s heart sank in his chest a little bit at that thought because… because Luke was _really_ fucking good at messing things up and Ashton was so damn _sweet_ and… and Luke was terrified he was going to ruin this with the first person who actually _mattered_ , just because old habits died hard.

Michael jogged around the corner before Luke could get _really_ distracted though and the blond boy was grateful for the distraction. Michael’s cheeks were flushed like he’d been in a hurry to get here but his face lit up when he saw Calum, although one of his hands fluttered up to hide the burn on his cheek, a sure sign that he was feeling nervous.

Luke was watching Calum’s face when the older boy appeared and witnessing the happiness unfolding in the tanned boy’s expression put Luke at ease. It was like watching someone seeing the sun for the first time and Luke stopped worrying. Calum would treat Michael right. His best friend would be okay.

“I’m so sorry I’m late!” Michael said as soon as he was within earshot. “I couldn’t find anywhere to park!”

“A whole five minutes late, Mikey,” Luke said in as solemn a tone as he could possibly manage. “I hope you’re buying the cinema tickets to make up for this terrible display of behaviour.”

“Of course,” Michael huffed, just as Ashton elbowed Luke lightly in the ribs. Calum’s cheeks were red but he was smiling at the blue-haired boy shyly.

“Stop being mean to Michael, Luke,” Calum said without looking at him. “You suck.”

“You _do_ suck,” Ashton agreed teasingly and Luke rolled his eyes, making his expression as long-suffering as he possibly could.

“Whatever. You two get out of here before you make me cry or something.” Luke’s expression softened when Michael and Calum turned to leave but Ashton hesitantly withdrew until they were only holding hands instead, taking all of the warmth with him.

“Talk to you later, bro,” Michael told Luke and the blond boy forced a smile, rolling his eyes again. "Nice to see you again, Ashton."

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, kids,” Luke said.

“Behave like nice people? I think we’ve got it covered, bro,” Michael joked but he was smiling vaguely as he led Calum away. “You ready to watch Star Wars?” the blue-haired boy asked excitedly and Calum smiled despite himself, chocolate brown eyes glittering like stars, dimples creasing his cheeks. Michael looked overwhelmed as he smiled back and Luke thought he knew how the older boy felt when his gaze settled on Ashton’s soft face.

“You like Chewbacca, right?” Calum could be heard asking Michael as the pair headed back down the street, hands falling to tangle between them. When the blue-haired boy nodded seriously, Calum’s smile stretched across his face. “That’s good. I don’t have to make excuses to leave then.”

“I feel like I’m watching my children leaving home,” Ashton said when the pair turned the corner. Luke snorted when he processed that, nudging Ashton lightly with his elbow.

“You idiot,” the blond boy said but he sounded fond. “You ready to go bowling now? I’m totally going to wipe the floor with you.”

“Lies and slander,” Ashton said seriously but his eyes were twinkling. “Although I’d like to see you try.” Ashton’s heart was racing in his chest but he felt like he could walk on air when Luke flashed him a smile that only _kind_ of made the younger boy melt.

Luke was dressed in his leather jacket again today but he’d paired it with dark blue skinny jeans and a tight-fitting long-sleeved t-shirt the colour of charcoal, the neck just low enough to show the pearly white of his collarbone. Luke’s piercing blue eyes crinkled when he smiled and he ran a hand through his windswept blond hair, leaving it in such a disarray that Ashton was seized with the sudden desire to climb him like a tree – because Ashton was tiny, Luke was ridiculously tall, and the younger boy _meant_ it innocently – just so he could fix it.

“You look excited,” Luke said as he offered Ashton his arm. The curly-haired boy could feel Luke’s muscles shifting through the fabric when he took it and Ashton was only a _little_ bit scarlet as the pair of them fell into step together, heading into town.

“I _am_ excited,” Ashton said and, despite the faintest hint of a fading bruise on his cheekbone – that somehow his mum hadn’t noticed earlier – he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Are you having a good day so far?”

Luke’s fingers were soft as they brushed Ashton’s bruised cheekbone and, although the older boy’s eyebrows drew together faintly, he still managed a gentle smile as he buried his free hand in his pocket.

“Better now I’m seeing you,” Luke said, pretending not to see how unbearably _beautiful_ Ashton’s face looked upon hearing that. “I’ve booked bowling for four o’clock and I figured we could go for a walk around town first? And then eat after bowling?”

“Sounds perfect,” Ashton said breathlessly but he was kind of glowing now and it was making Luke’s heart hurt in his chest. Ashton’s dimples were starting to hurt his cheeks with how much he was smiling and he decidedly _wasn’t_ internally crying with happiness right now. Definitely not.

“We can still get Macca’s, right?” the younger boy checked and the blond boy spoke without thinking.

“Course we can, sweetheart.” Luke’s cheeks flushed immediately when he realised what he’d said but Ashton could practically hear music swelling like he was in a Disney film now and everything felt beautiful.

Ashton wished he’d met Luke _years_ ago.

*

Luke cheered up by the time they left the bowling alley, partly because he’d won and partly because Ashton was _really_ cute (even when he _was_ trying to break the world record for the longest time spent pouting).

“If I promise to buy you Macca’s, will you stop sulking?” Luke asked and Ashton considered that, pausing in the entrance to the bowling alley with that curious twist to his full lips that hinted that he was trying not to smile.

“ _Maybe_ ,” the younger boy said at last. “If you throw in a milkshake too.” Luke’s arms found their way around Ashton and he dropped a kiss onto the smaller boy’s cute little nose. Ashton was blushing now but Luke’s eyes were glitter-soft as he looked down at him.

“I think you have yourself a deal, Ash,” he said and the curly-haired boy smiled as he stretched up on his tiptoes, his lips just barely brushing Luke’s.

“Better lead the way then,” Ashton said. “Because I’m getting hungry… and you don’t want to see me when I’m hungry.” Luke laughed despite himself, rolling his eyes as he towed Ashton out into the warm evening.

“That was a nice Hulk reference. I knew there was a reason I’m dating you,” he said as they weaved through the cars left outside the leisure park, heading for the big golden M that they could see up ahead. “I mean, it might have something to do with how cute you are as well but… like, I could be mistaken.”

Ashton’s face crinkled as he smiled but his stomach was rumbling faintly and Ashton was craving food.

“C’mon, c’mon!” he urged, tangling his fingers with Luke’s again as he hurried for the doors. “I need chicken nuggets and fries in my life!” Ashton pulled a face suddenly, much to Luke’s amusement. “I’m not allowed to call them French fries anymore. Harry gets all pissy and says that they didn’t originate from France so why are they called that? He got really irritated about it the other day. He went on a twenty minute long rant.”

Luke laughed despite himself as they entered the warmth of the building, heading up to the counter.

“Well, we better not call them that then,” he said but his lip-ring was glinting in the light and Ashton’s heart was _pounding_ now. “I’ll get this, sweetheart.” ‘ _Damnit, he’d said it again._ ’ Luke’s cheeks were red but the cashier looked faintly knowing as she waited for their order. “Why don’t you go find a table?”

*

Ashton was pretty sure the date was going great.

Luke had bought him Macca’s – literally, Ashton’s only standard had just been met right there – and Luke made him laugh so much that the younger boy kept almost choking on his milkshake; (honestly, Luke had made a joke about having an ambulance on speed dial because he was worried Ashton was going to laugh himself to death). Now they were discussing whether they preferred Marvel or DC though which seemed like a much safer topic – Ashton preferred Marvel; Luke was conflicted – and it was so _nice_.

It felt as easy as hanging out with Calum and Harry did… only there was something else there too… a little spark of interest in Ashton’s chest that flickered to life whenever Luke breathed and blinked and _existed_... a little spark that went up like an explosion when Luke took the younger boy’s hand gently over the table.

They could talk about anything under the sun together and it still just felt natural and… _right_.

Ashton found it hard to believe he could be so lucky.

“How come everyone else’s food always seems to taste better than your own? Even if you’re eating the same thing?” Ashton asked suddenly. He was watching a couple sitting nearby with their little girl and she kept swiping their fries when they weren’t looking. It was making Ashton’s dimples crease his cheeks and even Luke’s expression looked soft when he saw her.

“I don’t know. Care to test the rule?” he asked, offering a fry of his own. Ashton let Luke feed him it although his cheeks did tinge a little bit red.

“One hundred times better,” Ashton said meekly before he pulled a face. “I think yours are saltier than mine. I’m jealous.”

“Aw, don’t be salty, Ash,” Luke said and, although it took the younger boy a few moments to process the truly epic fail of the comeback, he laughed as he mimed tipping his milkshake down Luke’s front.

“You suck so, _so_ bad,” Ashton promised and Luke wriggled his eyebrows stupidly. Ashton laughed, burying his face in his hands. “Stop being sexual! I’m trying to be normal and you’re being sexual again!”

“Sorry,” Luke grinned before his expression changed fractionally as his voice became softer. “Hey, you know if it actually bothers you then I won’t do it, right?” Ashton looked up at him with wide hazel eyes and Luke squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t feel uncomfortable,” Ashton promised but his cheeks were still red because he was totally the biggest virgin in the world. “Are you eating those fries?”

“Yeah,” Luke said but he still dropped most of them onto Ashton’s napkin. “But knock yourself out, sweetheart. I don’t really need them anyway… Also, I stole one of your chicken nuggets when you went to get more ketchup so this seems like a fair repayment.”

Ashton put a hand over his heart, apparently deeply betrayed by this knowledge.

“And to think I trusted you,” the sixteen year old said. Luke laughed but he stopped when a guy whose arms were completely covered in tattoos entered. He looked _really_ fucking cool and Luke probably went a bit heart eyes because Ashton giggled when he followed the older boy’s gaze.

“You like tattoos?” Ashton asked, propping his chin up in his hands as he looked subtly between the guy and Luke. “I do. I want to get some one day.”

“I already have one,” Luke said and Ashton made this little excited sound that he tried to bury in his hands. The blond boy smiled but there was something indecipherable in his eyes all the same. “You wanna see?” he guessed and Ashton nodded, eyes sparkly as he lowered his hands.

Luke’s lips tugged up into a crooked smile but it didn’t really touch his eyes as he shrugged out of his leather jacket, leaving it carefully on the back of the chair. He rolled his sleeve up as far as he could, getting it about halfway up his bicep before it decided that it didn’t really want to stretch around the muscles.

Ashton could only see half of it but it still took his breath away. It was a tangled snarl of red roses with dark jade green leaves and tiny lethal-looking thorns edging the stem. Ashton reached out unthinkingly and, although Luke tensed a little, he didn’t pull away when Ashton’s fingertips brushed the petals.

“It’s beautiful,” the younger boy said honestly but there was something sad about it all the same… something in the thorns and the twisting stems, like nothing could get close to it anymore. Luke relaxed under Ashton’s touch but a tiny frown creased the younger boy's brow when the pads of his fingers encountered the skin closer to Luke’s broad shoulder because it felt… different. _Damaged_ almost. Ashton wondered what had happened.

Luke saw the question in the curly-haired boy’s eyes and his face fell fractionally as he pulled his sleeve back down again.

“It’s a burn,” he said dismissively, lips pressing together hard like talking about it hurt. “It’s nothing.”

Ashton’s heart gave an unpleasant little lurch in his chest and he swallowed against the anxiety rising inside him. There was something upset in Luke’s face but, somehow, Ashton didn’t think it was because of him.

“Like Michael,” the younger boy said hesitantly but he practically saw the shutters slamming down behind Luke’s eyes.

“That’s not my story to tell,” Luke said after a long pause but his voice was a little bit twisted now and his shoulders were tense beneath his long-sleeved t-shirt. Ashton had to swallow past the lump rising in his throat and his hand was trembling when he reached to tangle his fingers hesitantly with Luke’s.

“I’m sorry if I made you sad,” he whispered, hoping the tears welling in his eyes weren’t visible. By the softening of Luke’s expression though, Ashton thought they probably were.

“Hey,” the blond boy said softly. “No crying.” The pad of his thumb felt warm when he brushed something wet from Ashton’s cheek and the younger boy sniffed pathetically, leaning his cheek into the older boy’s palm. “You didn’t make me sad at all, sweetheart. I promise. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Ashton just hung his head, embarrassed that he’d probably made Luke feel awkward now.

“I’m sorry I made you sad too,” Luke breathed suddenly, lips soft against Ashton’s knuckles. “You ready to go?” His voice was soft and kind. Ashton nodded, rising to follow him.

They talked about their favourite songs on the way home before they finally decided to listen to some of them, sharing Ashton’s earphones as Good Charlotte played. They had to walk close together when the music was playing, arms wrapped tightly around each other as they tripped over their feet beneath the darkening sky, giggling as their cheeks flushed at the proximity.

Ashton had cheered up by the time they left the town centre behind and he laughed when Luke pointed out the familiar tree that looked like Oogie Boogie.

The stars were shining overhead by the time Luke walked Ashton up to his door and the younger boy’s cheeks heated when he stopped on the doorstep, a little closer to eye level with Luke than he usually was. The lights in the living room were on but the curtains were closed so Ashton wasn’t worried about his mum seeing them.

“Thank you,” Ashton said quietly, cheeks heating the longer Luke seemed content to simply look at him. “For the bowling. For the food… For everything.”

“For _everything_? That’s a lot to be thankful for,” Luke murmured but his sky blue eyes shone brighter than the stars when Ashton stretched up to wrap his arms around the older boy’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. “But thank you too,” Luke whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the warm skin of Ashton’s neck when he tucked his face away to cuddle him back.

Ashton shivered but Luke was warm where the night was cold and he never wanted the hug to end.

“Can we do this again?” Ashton asked softly, hazel eyes wide and innocent, and Luke’s smile was soft in the twilight.

“Of course we can, sweetheart,” the older boy promised.

It was only when Luke was walking back home alone that he realised how much Ashton was changing him.

*

“I really liked that film,” Calum said happily, slumping down onto the bench beside Michael as the older boy wrapped his muscled arm easily around the younger boy’s shoulder.

Somewhere between the cinema and the paninis they’d eaten in a café around the corner, Calum had left most of his nervousness behind.

It just felt so _nice_ with Michael because he was funny and sweet, and he smelt good too which was definitely a bonus. They were sitting in the park together now and Calum was getting cold so Michael wriggled out of his denim jacket, wrapping it around the younger boy’s shoulders instead.

“Warmed up yet?” Michael asked softly, lips brushing the top of Calum’s head. The dark-haired boy’s cheeks heated up but he was smiling when he tipped his head back to look at Michael, full lips tugging up as his dimples creased his cheeks. “We can go and sit in my car if you want,” the older boy suggested hesitantly. “We can listen to Green Day? I have Green Day in my car.”

“Green Day sounds amazing,” Calum said and Michael smiled at him, all crinkly-eyed and beautiful.

“Are the words ‘Green Day’ starting to sound strange to you too?” he teased and Calum giggled, tucking his face away into the sweet-smelling skin of Michael’s neck. There were burns there too and Calum’s brow creased when Michael tensed, carefully shying away and covering the skin with a shaking hand like he didn’t want Calum to see.

“Don’t do that,” the dark-haired boy whispered, eyes damp and reflecting the moonlight. Michael’s eyes burnt with tears but he pressed his cherry-red lips together hard to keep them from wobbling, watching the younger boy with something faintly desperate. “Mikey, you don’t have to hide it.”

“It’s habit,” Michael said, giving a brittle, sad-sounding laugh. His shoulders slumped like he was exhausted. “Sorry, Cal.”

Calum blushed at the nickname – and at the fact that he’d called the older boy ‘Mikey’ – but his expression was still tinged with sadness when he reached out slowly, palm moving to gently cup the older boy’s burnt cheek.

Michael stiffened and Calum’s eyes widened with concern.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, worry saturating his voice. The older boy relaxed fractionally.

“Not at all,” Michael reassured him, his tone somewhat bitter although he managed a half-hearted smile. “I can’t really feel anything there at all anymore.”

Calum’s brows pulled together but he twisted in Michael’s arms anyway, kneeling up on the bench clumsily and making the older boy laugh when he almost fell (although, to give him his due, Michael’s hands _did_ shoot out to grip Calum’s hips securely, keeping him safe).

“What’re you doing?” Michael asked with amusement colouring his tone. Calum smiled at him, dark curls tousled in the light breeze as one of his hands came to settle on Michael’s shoulder. The other stroked the older boy’s blue hair and Michael’s jaw fell slack like it felt really nice.

“I’m doing an experiment,” Calum said and then he kissed Michael’s nose, his forehead, the corner of his mouth… and then his cheek. He kissed Michael’s burnt, scarred cheek and his expression didn’t twist with disgust. He didn’t look upset or scared or repulsed or… or anything Michael had seen before.

He just looked soft and fond and kind instead.

He looked like _Calum_.

Michael went bright red but he could feel everywhere Calum’s lips had touched… felt it like brushes of falling flower petals or warm summer raindrops.

Michael’s fingers were shaking when they brushed his burnt cheek gently in the moments before he reached to draw Calum into a gentle kiss.

Maybe Michael could feel _some_ things there after all… or maybe he was just falling for Calum instead.

‘ _Yeah_ ,’ Michael thought when Calum's fingers tangled gently in his hair and the older boy's hands rubbed comforting circles into the dark-haired boy's back. Calum's first kiss showered over them like stars. ' _Yeah, that has to be it. I'm falling for Calum._ '

It didn't feel scary at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought <3  
> I'm finding the Malum _way_ easier to write than the Lashton at the moment. I hope it all read okay though!


	7. Tension Bleeding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sorry about the wait! I wanted to make sure I was in the right place to write an update that wasn't too angsty (and I kind of messed that up but... y'know... no one's probably surprised anymore...)  
> I hope you all like this!

Michael had been dating Calum for almost two months now and it had gone insanely fast. He was so happy though. The dark-haired boy told ridiculously cheesy jokes and giggled into his hands, and he kissed Michael like the older boy was something to be cherished.

Michael had started sitting with Calum and his friends in the canteen at school now. Ashton seemed nice although he could be blunt sometimes, and Harry reminded Michael of a Labrador or something; he loped and gave slow, easy smiles, and Michael found the three of them a lot easier to get along with than some of the people in his own year.

He especially liked lunch-times because Calum sat tucked safely under his arm, blushing prettily whenever he piped up in conversation and accidentally made his boyfriend laugh.

Calum was unbearably sweet and Michael was fairly certain he was falling in love with him.

(When Michael caught Calum watching him with glitter-soft brown eyes, he thought the younger boy might be falling for _him_ too, and Michael had honestly never been happier.)

*

Michael met Luke after school because Calum and Ashton were going to Harry’s house to work on some project they had. Michael’s eyebrows rose when he saw Luke wearing his school uniform for once and the older boy regarded his best friend with wide eyes where Luke was waiting on the corner for him.

Luke was always in a supremely bad mood on the rare occasions he actually deigned to go to school. This probably wasn’t going to be the most fun evening Michael had ever had.

“Good day?” the blue-haired boy asked cautiously. Luke made a noise like an angry goose, folding his arms tightly over his chest as he fell into step beside Michael.

“No,” Luke said shortly, almost _snapping_ at him. “The school called home and Ben got mad at me for not going, and then I had to put up with all of those fucking _idiots_ talking shit about whatever was on the TV last night.”

Michael blinked at the sudden outburst.

“Was there anything good on?” he asked after a moment and Luke’s lips twitched despite himself as his arms fell to hang limply by his sides, like all of the fight had gone out of him.

“Not really,” Luke said after a slight pause. “Just Big Brother... and that film Born Free which is actually quite nice but... whatever, not the point I was making.” The younger boy’s shoulders slumped and he looked away, tired eyes empty now that the anger had drained away. “Are we still getting burgers, Mikey?”

“If you want,” Michael said. “Or we can order pizza at my house. I don’t mind.” The older boy hesitated before his hand rose to give Luke’s broad shoulder a reassuring squeeze through his leather jacket. “We can get meat feast… your _favourite_.”

Luke pressed his lips together hard to keep from smiling but there was still a tightness to the younger boy's expression despite the calmness he was attempting to exude that confirmed to Michael that there was something else upsetting him.

He’d always known Luke best.

“Deal,” Luke said but his eyes were glittering faintly now. “But only if we can get garlic bread too.” When Michael nodded solemnly, Luke managed another smile that looked slightly more relaxed. “Thank you,” he said and, although Michael’s hand slipped from his shoulder, he looked heartened. “You have a good day, bro?”

“Pretty good,” Michael said but he was kind of smiling now, eyes all sparkly as he remembered how fucking _cute_ Calum had looked with his soft dark curls and the dimples in his cheeks.

“You’re thinking about Calum,” Luke complained and Michael’s cheeks heated although he didn’t deny it. Luke was pouting a little bit. “You should just propose to him already,” he said and Michael sighed, nudging Luke lightly in the ribs with his elbow.

“You’re being pissy,” Michael noticed, frowning faintly as he bit at his lower lip. “Why’re you being pissy? You and Ashton are okay, right? You should be _happy_.”

Luke’s expression became stormy and he bit at his lip-ring hard, brow creasing like it was hurting him.

“Stop it,” Michael whispered but his voice was thick because he’d always hated seeing his best friend hurting. “Luke, what’s _wrong_?” the older boy asked pleadingly and Luke’s eyes looked wet for a moment before he blinked, wiping the tears away before they could fall bruisingly-hard with his knuckles.

“Nothing,” the taller boy said sharply but his hands were shaking in the moments before he buried them in his pockets. The pair of them were almost out of town now so they’d be back at Michael’s place within twenty minutes. The older boy wanted Luke to tell him what was wrong before they got there.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Michael’s voice was soft and weak as his hand tangled nervously in his blue hair. “I’d do anything for you, Luke. You _know_ I would.”

Luke flinched when his eyes settled on the burn marring his best friend’s face and, although Michael felt kind of bad for bringing it up, he couldn’t let himself regret it. Things never ended well when Luke kept his feelings locked away and Michael wanted him to talk no matter what.

“That was slightly below the belt,” Luke said at last and Michael smiled humourlessly.

“ _No ragrets_ ,” he said stupidly, quoting one of their favourite films. It was worth it when Luke’s eyes sparkled faintly. “Now talk to me, you little shit. You’re my _brother_. I don’t want you to be hurting.”

“It’s just…” Luke’s voice trailed away awkwardly as they walked along beneath the washed-out blue of the sky. It wasn’t raining today but the wispy grey clouds were converging overhead, threatening it.

Michael recognised the faint determination colouring his best friend’s expression now and he stayed silent, waiting for Luke to speak.

It didn’t take very long.

“I just don’t think I’m cut out for this,” Luke said in a small voice. He kept his eyes fixed on the pavement, forehead creased with a frown as he worried his thin bottom lip between his teeth. “You know I… I’ve never been in a _real_ relationship before, whatever the fuck that means… because I always get this… this _itch_ , yeah? Like I need to get out before I get trapped there.”

Michael nodded wordlessly when Luke looked down at him for confirmation and the blond boy’s cheeks flushed red as they left the town behind them, walking away from the bustle of the town centre as the smell of pine trees and sea salt began to saturate the air around them.

“Well… I don’t have that itch with Ashton,” Luke confessed. The wind was picking up now and he looked small as he pulled his jacket tighter around him, huddling up inside it. Michael watched his best friend in shock. “I... I don’t know why. All I _do_ know is that everything in me is saying that I can’t mess this up – I can’t lose him – but I don’t know how to… _not_ …” Luke’s voice trailed away lamely and his eyes burnt wet again as he glared off into the thick trees. Michael – suddenly aware that his mouth had dropped open in shock – pressed his lips together tightly.

“What’re you talking about?” the older boy asked at long last, trying to wrap his head around everything Luke was telling him. “Just… tell him how you feel, bro. I don’t know him that well but by the way he’s been going on about you at lunch for almost _two_ months... I’m fairly certain he feels the same.” Michael thought of the soft smile that lit up Ashton's face whenever the blond boy was mentioned and Michael's heart skipped in his chest. "I _know_ he does."

Luke’s expression was a curious mixture of hope and _pain_ now, and it took Michael’s breath away with how much he wanted to pull the taller boy into his arms in that moment.

“But that’s just it though,” Luke whispered and his voice was almost lost as a lorry drove past them, engine roaring through the quiet of the woodland. “I don’t think I know how.”

Michael resisted the urge to say “I can show you how” or to tell Luke that he had just accidentally quoted Hot Fuzz but his expression softened with something that was almost sympathy when he noticed Luke watching him beseechingly.

“Just be _you_ ,” Michael said helplessly, wishing he had something better to say but… but he didn’t understand how to help. He’d never been afraid of hiding his feelings. That was one of the only ways the pair of them were different. “Ashton likes you so much already, bro. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

“And what’s that? Pulling away whenever he gets too close? Snapping at him because he actually said something _important_?” Luke wilted and the anger dissipated from his expression again, the tension bleeding from his shoulders. Luke gave a small humourless laugh. “I’m scared of Ashton,” he said and there was something raw in his voice that hurt to listen to. “I’m _scared_ of him, Mikey. Isn’t that stupid?”

Michael thought of Ashton for a moment; thought of how tiny he was with his curly honey-coloured hair and his glasses sliding down his nose, and the way the other kids picked on him at school because he was shy and sweet and clumsy.

Then Michael thought about the intelligence that burned in the sixteen year old’s bright hazel eyes. He thought about how Ashton seemed to be able to level Luke with his gaze, like he could tear past all of the blond boy’s defences just by looking at him.

Michael thought about how Ashton made Luke feel _vulnerable_.

The blue-haired boy shook his head slowly as his hand found Luke’s and, although the blond boy grumbled something (largely to make a point), he didn’t pull away. Luke’s fingers curled hesitantly around Michael’s instead and the older boy squeezed Luke’s hand gently.

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all, bro,” Michael said softly, emerald eyes gentle and sincere. “Sometimes, when Cal looks at me, it’s like I can’t breathe anymore because he means so much… and _that’s_ scary because of how quickly it happened, see?” Michael didn’t know why he was telling Luke this; he only knew that he couldn’t stop. “Because how is that even possible?” Michael asked weakly. “One minute he was just this cute boy in the corridors at school… and now he’s my fucking oxygen, y’know? It’s insane. It’s scary… and it’s fucking _incredible_.”

Luke was drinking Michael’s words in with desperation now but he looked upset… and angry too, like he was retreating into being pissed off because it was the only thing he had left to protect him.

“I don’t want Ashton to be my oxygen,” Luke said but there was a subtle twist to the words, like maybe they weren’t true... like maybe Ashton already _was_. “I don’t want to… to _need_ him… I just… I want to stop _feeling_ this. I hate it.”

Michael’s eyes hardened but his grip remained soft around Luke’s hand in the moments before the blond boy pulled away.

“Don’t mess Ashton around, Luke,” Michael said. “Don’t hurt him because you can’t handle that you’re falling in love.”

Luke reeled back like Michael had slapped him but the blue-haired boy saw in the sudden panic flooding Luke’s expression that he’d hit the nail on the head.

“Fuck you,” Luke said but his voice sounded wet now and he choked, like he was fighting down his tears. There was no anger in Luke’s voice though and Michael took heart from that.

Luke’s defensive anger had always been explosive and destructive, and Michael was afraid it was the thing that was going to ruin everything… the key that destroyed it all.

“Don’t swear at me because you’re so oblivious,” Michael muttered and Luke tried to smile but his breath caught in his throat like he was about five seconds away from crying.

“You’re buying the fucking pizza, you arsehole,” Luke said breathlessly, wiping his eyes hard with his sleeve.

Michael managed a wry smile, bumping his shoulder lightly against Luke’s.

“You can pay for the garlic bread then.”

Luke still looked tearful when he spoke next.

“In your dreams, Clifford.”

*

Ashton felt more content than he’d ever been these days.

Calum seemed happier which was a weight off the curly-haired boy’s shoulders and Harry was happy too, still sneaking out to see Louis whenever he could get away with it at school and returning with sparkling eyes, and whatever free experimental coffee Louis had made him that day cradled lovingly to his chest.

Michael sat with them at lunch-times and Ashton quite liked the older boy now that he was sure he was going to take care of Calum. Michael told silly jokes and made the dark-haired boy happy, and Ashton didn’t get picked on at lunch-times when Michael sat with them so he was enjoying that too.

Maybe the best part was Luke though.

Ashton had _Luke_.

It felt too good to be true.

The blond boy was so beautiful with his messy blond hair and his crinkling blue eyes, and his rough laugh warmed Ashton to the core. Luke had a scar under his hair from the motorbike accident and his hands shook sometimes when he needed a cigarette, and Ashton honestly couldn’t believe how well the blond boy fit into his life now.

Ashton trusted Luke so much and he hoped the older boy trusted him too… hoped he felt the same fluttering of butterflies in his stomach whenever he laid eyes on the younger boy that Ashton felt when he looked at Luke.

Things felt like they were finally getting better and Ashton was so, _so_ grateful for that.

(He had no idea everything was about to shatter.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)
> 
> P.S. I'm really sorry about that last sentence...  
> I'm actually dreading writing the next update wow!!! :D  
> Someone please punch me in the face!


	8. Venomous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, this is one of the angstiest chapters in this fic probably (if it all goes to plan)!  
> Also, very _very_ slight hint of dub-con towards the end of this chapter if you're sensitive to that sort of thing. It's barely there though honestly.  
>  I hope you guys won't hate this!  
> (Also I changed the summary text a little bit and I'm really happy with it so I hope you'll like it too!)

Luke’s feelings were rising inside him like a tsunami, receding just enough that he thought he might be in the clear before they crashed back down with devastating accuracy as the blue-haired boy’s words echoed around his head like crashes of thunder: “ _Don’t mess Ashton around, Luke. Don’t hurt him because you can’t handle that you’re falling in love._ ”

Luke had never been in love before but he’d also never experienced this terrible suffocating mess of emotions pounding in his chest – in perfect time with the ragged beating of his frantic heart – so Luke figured Michael probably had a point.

Luke hated it though – or he _wished_ he did, which was almost the same thing.

He found himself being reminded of Ashton all the time; the pretty hazel of his eyes, the way the sleeves of his jumpers were always stretched because he covered his hands with them, the dimples in his cheeks when Luke accidentally said something to make him laugh… the way his whole face lit up when Luke called him Ash… when he cuddled and  _kissed_ the younger boy.

Luke felt sick with how much he loved Ashton.

He was terrified because the itch he felt under his skin when he got close to people was _gone_ now and... Luke hated how comfortable the younger boy made him feel; hated how he felt so exposed and open to the elements – _flayed_ almost – every single time Ashton looked at him.

The thing that scared Luke the most though was the knowledge that Ashton could choose to leave him at any time. There was absolutely _nothing_ keeping him there – and Luke couldn’t stand the idea of being left alone if _he_ wasn’t the one who had made it happen.

(With hindsight, Luke figured that realisation was probably the last nail in the coffin.)

*

Luke went to a club on Friday night.

Ashton had been texting him all afternoon, telling Luke how much fun he’d had with him at the cinema the night before and asking if they could do it again soon. Instead of replying, Luke turned his phone off and headed over to the bar.

The alcohol buzzed pleasantly in his veins as he turned to watch the dance floor. There were people looking at him admiringly, taking in the broadness of his shoulders and the sweep of his blond hair against the pale skin of his forehead as he took everything in.

There was a boy in the middle of the dancers, curly hair too dark to be Ashton and wide eyes too silver but looking at him still hurt. Luke squared his jaw, downing his shot and pushing forward into the crowd of people, into the warm press of bodies that promised a momentary distraction from the turmoil inside his head.

Hands reached out for him but it wasn’t until Luke saw a flash of honey-coloured hair and a pair of soft brown eyes flecked with green watching him hungrily that he let himself stop.

The bass was pounding through the dimly lit room but Luke’s hands found their hips – _her_ hips – and… and she was grinding back against him now and he didn’t want this but… but he kind of _did_ … wanted the distraction and the heat and the guilt that was so familiar now that Luke almost found it _comforting_ , as fucked up as that probably was.

When she took his hands and pulled his arms around her as the alcohol began to make Luke’s head feel fuzzy, the tiny bit of him that had been resisting was finally crushed by the warmth of her body and the smoothness of her skin under his shaking hands.

At least this was familiar. This was something Luke could lose himself in.

When she stretched up to whisper the words: “Come with me” in Luke’s ear, he went unthinkingly, her fingers laced firmly with his own, her giggles echoing off the dark walls of the corridor outside as she led him towards –

Oh god, this was _so_ gross honestly. Luke hadn’t been with someone in the bathroom of a nightclub in _years_ and it definitely hadn’t got any better but he wasn’t about to question things now. Not when he was finally calm enough to breathe without craving Ashton – his _oxygen_ \- anymore. Not when Luke had stopped telling himself that this was wrong.

Her hands reached for the bottom of his t-shirt but Luke shied away, grabbing her wrists firmly.

“No,” he said and she raised an eyebrow, regarding him curiously before she seemed to decide she didn’t care and pressed a hot kiss to his throat instead, making him shudder.

“You got a condom?” she breathed and Luke stiffened, biting his lip as he swore under his breath. The girl shook her head teasingly, palm cupping his face as her thumb rubbed his cheekbone gently. “Lucky for you, I came prepared.”

Luke wondered why it didn’t _feel_ lucky as he slid inside, holding her up against the wall as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, wanting him deeper.

Luke felt sick now… loathed himself as he thrust into her, hated the pleasure building in his gut and how fucking _terrible_ it made him feel because – _fuck_ – he’d only ever kissed Ashton before, and Luke _definitely_ shouldn’t be doing this because this was how his only surviving brother acted and it was _so_ wrong.

This girl wasn't his oxygen. It felt like he couldn’t even _breathe_ as his body stilled against her and she bit her moan into his throat.

Luke could feel the itch now.

She was making his skin crawl already with the need to get away... to _escape_. Perhaps the worst part of it all was that Luke wanted to run to **Ashton**.

God, he’d fucked up. He’d fucked up so badly.

“What’ve I done?” Luke gasped out stupidly, jerking away so hard that his back hit the tiled wall behind them. The girl eyed him warily, fingers rising to comb through her long hair in the cramped space. It was paler than Ashton’s in this light – strawberry blonde instead. Her eyes weren't even _close_ to hazel.

“God, you’re not _married_ , are you?” she demanded and Luke’s throat felt tight with panic now as his hand scrabbled for the lock on the door, his blue eyes wide.

“No! I - _Fuck_ , I’ve got to go,” Luke mumbled but he was shaking now and he felt almost sober which was even worse.

“What? I – Christ, dude, don’t get run over on the way home, okay?” Her voice was vaguely concerned as Luke finally got the door open, scraping his knuckles raw on the metal as he fell out into the bathroom. There was someone washing their hands at the sink and they gave him a dirty look as he fled.

Luke left the building and ran out into the dark street without looking.

He kind of wanted to get hit by a bus.

*

Ashton had had a lovely day.

His shift at the coffee shop had been a lot of fun because it had been quiet and Ashley had played them surprisingly good music that they'd sang along to with Ashton beating out the rhythm on the counter, and then Ashton had gone out to get pizza for lunch with Calum, Harry, Michael and Louis.

He’d texted Luke a few times but the blond boy hadn’t replied so Ashton just left it; Luke was probably working on fixing up his motorbike or something. It would be fine. Ashton trusted him.

He was laying on his bed now, still dressed in a jumper and jeans as he watched a YouTube video playing on his laptop with sleepy hazel eyes. There was a mug of cooling hot chocolate sitting on his bedside table and his curls felt soft when he lightly tugged his fingers through them.

There was a knock on the door downstairs and Ashton hit pause on his laptop, raising his head and listening as his mum’s voice drifted up to meet him. Ashton couldn’t hear the reply – the voice was too low – but he set his laptop carefully on his desk and stood up, crossing the room to open his bedroom door.

“Mum? Who is it?” he called down the stairs, frowning faintly. It was already almost half nine at night – he couldn’t imagine she was very happy about them having visitors. Anne appeared at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him with a curious tightness to her expression as she squared her jaw.

“It’s your _friend_ Luke.” Her voice twisted around the word but she didn’t say anything and Ashton just appreciated it a lot. “Leave your bedroom door open, Ash. He’s not staying long.”

“ _Mum_ ,” Ashton groaned but he couldn’t be too upset because Luke was walking up the stairs now, skin as pale as bone. The blond boy's hand was trembling as he let it rest against the wall to steady himself and Ashton felt a frown forming on his face as his mum grudgingly returned to the living room.

“Luke?” Ashton murmured but Luke just shook his head, blue eyes burning too brightly, pale skin flushed as he wrapped his arms tightly around himself. He was shaking so much that he looked blurred at the edges when he entered the younger boy's room for the first time.

Ashton's bedroom was still dark but the light from downstairs was filtering in through the open door, painting strange shadows on the floor as it shone through the banisters… caging them in almost… making them feel trapped.

“Ash…” Luke smelt like smoke and alcohol, and Ashton felt his anxiety spark to life in his chest. Luke stumbled when he sat down heavily on Ashton’s bedroom floor and the younger boy watched him with wide hazel eyes, kneeling down hesitantly on the rug covering the wooden panels as Luke’s breath tore out of him in a gasp.

“Luke?” Ashton’s voice was tight with what was almost panic. “Luke, what happened? What have you done?”

Luke’s blank expression flickered for a moment and the sudden agony on his face was jarring. Ashton reached out to lay his hand gently on the older boy’s shoulder but Luke jerked away like the younger boy was venomous... or like maybe he didn't trust _himself_.

“ _Luke_?” Ashton choked out. He moved like a broken puppet as he stretched to pull his bedroom door quietly shut, uncaring that his mum had told him not to. She wouldn’t come upstairs now; she could barely stand the idea of her son with another boy.

“I don’t know why I did it,” Luke whispered but his eyes were faraway, like he could still see whatever had happened playing out in front of him. “I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t.”

“You sound like you’ve killed someone,” Ashton said but it was the weakest joke in the world and Luke didn’t laugh. His eyes were overflowing with tears and that was enough to freeze the blood in Ashton’s veins.

“I fucked up, Ash.” The words tasted sour in Luke’s mouth and a stupid part of him wanted to give in to the nervous laughter that was rising inside him… but then Ashton’s gaze flickered down to the mark on the older boy’s throat and Luke’s hysteria died inside him.

“What’s that?” Ashton whispered, his fingertips brushing the bruise on Luke’s neck. His hazel eyes welled with tears when he realised and Luke wanted to put his fist through the wall.

“I’m so sorry,” the blond boy breathed and he didn’t know why he’d even come round. He didn’t know why he’d told Ashton.

“ _Luke_.” The younger boy’s voice was so soft as he sat back heavily on the floor, back resting against his bed. Ashton drew his knees up to his chest and stared at the blond boy until he couldn’t see past the tears blurring his vision.

If he’d felt humiliated and upset that day when Luke hadn’t wanted to kiss him, he felt _drained_ now… like Luke had stabbed him in the chest and everything that made him who he was had drained out through the wound.

“Sweetheart –” Luke sounded like he was choking but he fell silent at the look on Ashton’s face. The younger boy didn’t know what his expression looked like anymore but he could feel the betrayal spreading icily through his veins until he couldn’t move with how cold and painful everything felt.

“You don’t get to call me that,” Ashton said faintly but he was shaking too hard to stand up like he wanted to which was probably a good thing. Ashton didn’t know if he wanted to punch Luke or kiss him. The broken trust cut him like shards of glass and it made Ashton’s heart feel raw in his chest.

“What did you do to him?” he whispered and Luke flinched as one of the tears boiled over, searing down his cheek. Luke's expression flickered and Ashton felt nausea unfurling inside him. "Oh, it was a _her_? Well, what did **she** do to _y-you_?!” His voice broke at the end there but hopefully Luke hadn't heard it.

Ashton was never going to okay again probably. He'd been so _happy_... and Luke had torn everything to pieces.

“Ash, please don’t make –” Luke’s voice was small and pathetic, and the flaming of his cheeks made Ashton want to… _Fuck_ , Ashton didn’t even _know_ anymore.

He pushed himself to his feet clumsily and Luke rose too, blue eyes wide with what might have been fear as he looked down at Ashton. Luke looked almost _small_ now and Ashton felt something ripple through him; burning and shameful and fucking _livid_.

When he caught Luke’s lips in a bruising kiss, the blond boy moaned, tears drying sticky on his cheeks as his hands found Ashton’s hips. The younger boy’s fingers tangled in Luke’s hair when the blond boy held him closer and the kiss became biting when Ashton remembered what Luke had done… when the tears stung his hazel eyes and burnt over.

Ashton had never done this before, had no idea what he was doing but his anger and fucking _pain_ made him act instinctively as Luke kissed him back, hands too gentle like Ashton was something fragile… like he _didn’t_ have fury brimming inside him like a volcano.

Luke was hard against him now and Ashton bit his moan _right_ over the bruise, Luke’s hips jerking against his as he whined softly. Ashton had never felt so raw before. His heart felt like it had been scraped bloody.

“Did she do this?” Ashton asked in a fierce little voice when his hand fell to palm Luke through his jeans. The blond boy groaned, eyes squeezed tightly shut as the hot tears leaked down his flushed cheeks. Luke's hips rocked into his hand and the younger boy felt some vicious, bitter surge of satisfaction rush through him. Ashton’s hand was ceaseless now. “Did she touch you like this?”

It didn’t take long. Luke’s back arched and his head hit the wall with a dull thunk, and Ashton shuddered – felt _sick_ with how much he still **wanted** – when he felt Luke spilling hot over his fingers. The younger boy was achingly hard now but Ashton lurched away when the blond boy looked down at him, tears burning in his eyes as he reached…

Because Ashton couldn’t let him do that, probably. Not anymore.

“Just… just fucking go,” Ashton spat but there were tears rolling down his flushed cheeks now and his voice was too soft at the dazed look on Luke’s beautiful, _traitorous_ face.

“I knew you were too good to be true,” Ashton breathed, burying his head in his hands.

“Ashton,” Luke whispered and Ashton was crying properly now, sobs tearing out of him as he staggered back towards his bedside table, catching his hip on it hard enough that he was sure there’d be a bruise tomorrow. Luke’s face crumpled when Ashton gasped in pain.

“Leave!” the curly-haired boy cried out desperately when the blond boy reached for him and Luke looked torn now, like he couldn’t stand the thought of going when the younger boy was so upset... when he so clearly _needed_ Luke... when the older boy had torn everything to shreds around them.

Ashton watched the resolve form on Luke’s face, saw the determination squaring his jaw and making his damp eyes burn brighter - free of fear for the first time since they'd known each other - and, for just a moment, Ashton lost himself in the beauty of it before he remembered that that was probably just what Luke had looked like when he’d decided to cheat.

“I love you, Ash,” Luke said but his voice was strangled now and his pale hands weren’t shaking anymore. They were hanging limp by his sides instead, like the weight of the truth had stunned him.

“Just _go_!” Ashton cried out but he was choking on his sobs, hadn’t felt so distressed since his _father_ had still lived at home but he was now. Anxiety wrapped tightly around his lungs like a boa, constricting and crushing and fucking _killing_ him. It felt like the thorny snarl of roses on Luke’s tattoo was cutting him up inside because… because Ashton couldn’t believe Luke was capable of doing this to him… and then saying he _loved_ him.

It was too much. _Far_ too much.

Luke disappeared when Anne appeared in the doorway to see what the commotion was, and Ashton was so angry and betrayed - so fucking _lost_ \- when Luke ran away that he crumpled. It felt like his heart had been cut right out of his chest… like he was losing his grip on reality.

When Anne pulled her son gently into her arms and Ashton started to cry, it felt like he was never going to stop.

*

Outside, Luke’s heart was pounding painfully in his chest.

He’d never loathed himself this much before and the crushing rush of self-hatred he could feel was dizzying in its enormity. If it _was_ like a tsunami, Luke hoped he drowned in it because… fuck, Ashton probably _hated_ him now.

Luke had done the one thing he hadn’t been able to stand the thought of: he’d messed up.

He’d lost him.

*

Luke didn’t hear from Ashton for a whole week.

The curly-haired boy never answered his texts or calls, and he wasn’t working in the coffee shop; Luke saw when he walked past with his hood up, staring in desperately and feeling his heart shudder in his chest when he saw only Ashley standing behind the till, her expression downcast as she stood there alone.

She’d spotted Luke once, her eyes flashing with something like fury and he’d fled like the coward he was, panicking because… everyone must _know_. Ashton had told them what he’d done… or maybe she still just hated Luke as much as she always had; maybe she’d realised Ashton was upset and Luke wasn’t around anymore, and she’d put two and two together, and had actually come up with the right answer.

That made more sense. Michael wasn’t being cold or unfriendly which he _definitely_ would have been if he knew.

Maybe Luke hadn’t lost _everyone_ but that thought still wasn’t enough to calm the pain in his veins that lingered inside him with every step.

Ashton texted Luke the next evening when he was in his bedroom, only two sentences but it was enough to tear Luke’s world apart (just like he’d done to Ashton’s): ‘ **I want nothing more to do with you. Don’t contact me.** ’

Luke’s anger at himself overcame everything else and he threw his phone at the wall as hard as he could, cringing when it broke and he heard Ben shouting at him to shut up.

Luke slumped down onto his narrow mattress where it lay on the floor, blue eyes glassy and vacant as he gazed unseeingly up at the ceiling. His heartbeat slowed in his chest, his congealed blood too thick with poisoned guilt to move freely through his veins anymore.

When Luke closed his eyes, he could see Ashton’s face. The younger boy still shone as brightly as he had on that very first day... and Luke was cast in darkness now.

The blond boy’s breath caught in his throat and his sobs threatened to choke him but that was alright.

This was no more than Luke deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If you don't hate me too much, I'd really love to hear what you thought <3


	9. Last Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST ANGST ANGST  
> but it actually has more cheerful bits in than i was planning... so hopefully you guys won't hate this.

Ashton’s eyes swam with tears when he bent down to pick his school bag up from the floor in the hallway, his breath catching in his throat with a pained gasp.

The bullies at school were _relentless_ now and he’d found that covering his face with his hands resulted in less obvious injuries; unfortunately, that also meant that his ribs were bruised black and blue under his shirt.

The bullies were like wolves now… or sharks; it was like they could smell Ashton’s blood in the water – could sense how weak and helpless he felt after what Luke had done – and it was tearing Ashton apart.

“Have a good day,” Anne said as she appeared in the kitchen doorway. Her eyes were worried and surprisingly gentle, and she didn’t mention Ashton’s falling grades for once which was unusual. Apparently she was more concerned than the sixteen year old had realised.

He knew she was _trying_ to be supportive now but she’d started to say: “This wouldn’t have happened if you found a nice _girl_ –” the other day and Ashton had shut her down instantly. He didn’t need to hear that. Not now. Not when he felt this raw.

Ashton met Harry and Calum at the end of his road. The older boy patted Ashton on the shoulder and Calum gave him a gentle hug, and they were both kind enough not to mention when Ashton almost burst into tears at the sight of the Oogie Boogie tree.

It had been a fortnight now. Ashton still felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest.

“How are you doing?” Calum asked gently when the curly-haired boy fell into step between them. It was Monday morning and they had PE today; Ashton’s kit was hanging heavy on his shoulders. The smaller boy sniffed dejectedly but chose not to respond.

“ _Okay_ …” Calum said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “Did you have a nice weekend?”

Ashton shrugged jerkily, wiping his eyes hard with his sleeve. “I went with mum to see grandpa,” he said. “And I did a lot of revision because mum’s worried I’m not going to pass maths… and then I worked all of Sunday.”

“Oh.” Calum pulled a face but Harry perked up at the mention of the coffee shop although he was clearly trying to hide it. When Ashton looked more closely at Calum, he could see that the younger boy’s eyes were twinkling.

God, the pair of them were trying so hard to act like they weren’t falling in love with boys who actually wanted them _back_.

Neither of them even said ‘I told you so’ although it was pretty obvious that they’d been thinking that from the beginning. Ashton wished he hadn’t ignored their warnings. Maybe he wouldn’t have been hurting so much now if he hadn't.

At least that was a distraction though because, whenever Ashton let his thoughts wander, he would always find himself doing his best not to remember the last words Luke had said to him: ‘ _I love you, Ash_ ’.

Ashton was trying not to think at all.

*

Calum and Michael were officially dating now.

They sat together with Ashton in the canteen and it was even worse today because Harry had snuck out to meet with Louis, leaving Ashton alone with the pair of them. (He thought maybe the only person who would probably understand him now was Ashley who had presumably been left in charge of the coffee shop while Louis showered Harry with more pointless gifts.)

They were serving vaguely congealed macaroni cheese in the canteen today but Ashton could barely taste it anyway. He just sat hunched up in the uncomfortable plastic chair, one arm wrapped around his ribs protectively as he shovelled pasta into his mouth.

Michael’s arm was wrapped around Calum’s shoulders and the dark-haired boy’s cheeks were heating as he sat beside his boyfriend, nibbling at the edge of his sandwich as Michael got animated telling them about his pet cat Teddy.

Ashton didn’t like cats much. They made him sneeze.

“Ashton?” Michael asked softly and the curly-haired boy looked up in surprise, cheeks heating when he found the pair of him watching him curiously. The dark-haired boy’s eyes became concerned.

“Are you okay, Ash?” Calum asked gently. Ashton shrugged jerkily but his fork made a clatter as it fell down onto his tray and his eyes were prickling. He wondered what his expression looked like.

“I’m _f-fine_ ,” Ashton said but his voice cracked. The blue-haired boy looked worried.

“Has something happened?” Michael asked, frowning between them now. “What’s wrong?”

“Like you don’t know,” Ashton muttered but he kept his scowl fixed on his cooling food as a tear rolled down his cheek. The sixteen year old wiped it away fiercely with the sleeve of his jumper. “As if Calum hasn’t already told you.”

“Hey!” The dark-haired boy looked offended as he aimed a half-hearted kick at Ashton’s shin under the table. “I can keep secrets, you dick.” His voice was soft though, taking the sting out of his words. “You told me and Harry not to tell anyone… so we didn’t.”

Ashton's expression softened fractionally but Michael's confusion was rapidly fading.

“What’s going on?” There was a dawning realisation on the older boy’s face now and he bit his lip as his hand fluttered up to cover his burnt cheek. He seemed to do that when he felt nervous or uneasy and Ashton felt bad for worrying him now because Michael wasn’t even a bad guy, despite who he might be best friends with. “Is this something to do with Luke?” Michael asked and Ashton flinched like someone had kicked him in the ribs again. “Because he’s been really weird at the moment – I think he’s avoiding me... and you guys don’t mention him anymore.”

Ashton’s shoulders slumped and he didn’t even realise he was crying until Calum wriggled out from under his boyfriend’s arm, shooting Michael an apologetic look as he slid into the seat beside the curly-haired boy. Calum put his arm around Ashton and the smaller boy crumpled, folding his arms on the table and hiding his tears as his shoulders shook.

"Oh god," Michael groaned. "What's he done?"

There was a moment of strained silence before Calum began to speak.

“Luke turned up at Ashton’s house two weeks ago.” Calum's voice was uneasy, his words soft and quick, like that might somehow make it less painful. “Ash said he was drunk and upset. He…” Calum swallowed, shooting a worried glance down at his best friend before he looked up again, holding Michael’s gaze steadily. “Luke cheated on Ashton.”

“ _Fuck_.” The word was punched out of Michael harshly and the blue-haired boy’s expression was stunned as Calum looked away, stroking Ashton’s shoulder gently when he felt how he was crying harder. “I… I’ll go talk to him,” Michael said and Ashton sat upright so fast that Calum had to grab the back of his chair to steady it.

“You _can’t_!” Ashton disagreed weakly but the tears were still trickling down his face and his cheeks were flaming now, like he was worried people might notice him. “I texted him – told him that… that I didn't want anything more to do with him.”

If Harry was here, he would have been swearing in French by now. Calum just shushed Ashton gently, his expression upset as he pulled the older boy into a tight hug and – when Ashton began crying anew – the blue-haired boy squared his jaw as he got to his feet.

“Ash,” Michael said quietly and the two younger boys looked up at him in surprise. He hadn’t used the nickname before. “Did you mean what you said in the text?”

Ashton was unusually pale but the tears were still falling and Michael’s expression softened.

“Not even a little bit,” Ashton sighed and his breath of laughter was utterly humourless. Calum held him closer and Michael nodded, like he’d been expecting as much.

“Right,” he said, rising from his seat swiftly. Michael’s hand was warm as he squeezed Ashton’s shoulder comfortingly before he dropped a fleeting kiss onto the top of Calum’s head.

“I’m going to talk to Luke,” Michael repeated.

Ashton watched him leave with wet eyes.

He didn’t know what he was hoping for.

*

Ben wasn’t in when Michael arrived at Luke’s house which was a surprise in itself. Luke’s surviving brother hardly ever seemed to be out which was part of the reason Michael avoided the place; Michael hated the person Ben had become and Ben had never really liked Michael anyway so they didn’t exactly see eye-to-eye, _especially_ where Luke’s wellbeing was concerned.

Michael knocked on the peeling paint covering the door but there was no response.

Even in the daylight, being around here put Michael on edge. He felt permanently like he was going to get violently mugged or stabbed to death – possibly both – and Luke’s house looked like it might fall down in a strong wind. There was a big kennel in the next-door neighbour’s tiny front garden, housing a dog so big it could probably tear Michael’s arm off without even trying. The blue-haired boy swallowed past the anxiety rising in his throat, fingers tracing the burns on his neck before he shuddered and buried his hands in his pockets.

The sun was high in the sky now since it was only a little after midday and Michael was kind of kicking himself for missing a whole afternoon of school but… damnit, his exam results weren’t as important as his best friend… even if his best friend _was_ being a fucking idiot and ignoring every piece of advice Michael ever gave him.

Frowning, the blue-haired boy knocked again – quietly enough that he hopefully wouldn’t wake the sleeping monster up where it was lying in its kennel – before he stepped a short way back down the drive, looking up towards Luke’s window and wincing at the glare of the sun. The curtains to Luke’s bedroom were open but at least the continued silence proved that Ben really was out. If he _had_ been home, he would have been yelling abusive things at whoever was knocking on his door by now.

The dog stirred next to him as it let out a low growl and, throwing caution to the wind, Michael tried the door handle. His expression became surprised when he discovered that the front door wasn’t even locked but Michael’s face had already twisted as he let himself in quietly; apparently Ben didn’t even care enough about his brother’s safety to lock the fucking door after he left.

“Luke?” Michael called once he’d got the door shut behind him. It squeaked on its hinges and the dog barked outside. Michael highly doubted the tiny rickety fence separating the patches of unkempt grass would stop it if it wanted to come over here and eat him. He decided he’d stay in Luke’s house for a little while, at least until the monster had fallen asleep again. “ _Luke_?”

The stairs were creaking under Michael’s feet and the scent of mildew mingling with alcohol hung thickly in the musty air. Michael resisted the urge to cover his nose with his sleeve as he reached the upstairs landing. This must be why Luke never asked him round anymore.

It was dark at the top of the stairs. All of the doors were shut and Michael tripped over a nice hazardous pile of empty food cartons that had been abandoned on the threadbare carpet. Swearing under his breath, the blue-haired boy reached the end of the narrow hallway and pushed Luke’s bedroom door open, momentarily blinding himself.

“Oh,” a familiar voice said, rough from misuse. “I thought you were a burglar.”

“And you just stayed lying there?” Michael asked but he had to rub his eyes because the bright light in the room was a bit much after the shadowy landing. “Also I called your name, you fucking idiot. What kind of burglar announces their presence and then swears when they trip over a pizza box?”

Luke shrugged half-heartedly from where he was lying on his bedroom floor – not on the mattress either… just the floor. He was wearing boxers and a stained t-shirt that Michael honestly wanted to throw in the bin with a pair of tongs or something and – to put it frankly – he looked like shit.

His pale face was sunken and the bags under his eyes looked like bruises. (Briefly, Michael thought of Ben’s temper and _prayed_ that they weren’t.) The air in Luke’s room was thick with cigarette smoke and the grimy windows were shut so none of it had escaped but the room smelt _clean_ compared to the rest of the house which Michael thought said kind of a lot.

Luke’s leather jacket was hanging neatly on a hook by the door but everything else in his room was a mess.

“You really screwed up, buddy,” Michael said as he picked his way through the dirty clothes spread out on the floor. Luke sat up but he dropped his head into his hands, apparently unable to stand looking at his best friend’s disapproving but vaguely sympathetic look.

“Don’t you think I _know_ that?” Luke groaned. He looked strained and sad, like he was hurting a lot more than he was letting on. Michael was so frustrated with him; everything probably would have been _fine_ if Luke had just talked about what was scaring him instead of acting on it.

“You look like crap,” Michael said sharply and Luke’s blue eyes became unfocused as he switched off, turning away and slumping down onto the mattress. His pale, pinched face looked empty as it rested on the thin pillow.

“Why are you here?” the blond boy asked wearily and Michael sighed as the fight drained out of him dizzyingly quickly.

“I came here to yell at you but… I can’t really be angry at you now,” the older boy said softly, voice weakening when he took in the quiet desperation etched into Luke’s expression. “You look pathetic, bro. What the fuck have you been doing this whole time?”

There were filters fanned out on the floor like Luke had dropped a box of them and his lighter was almost empty now. There was a tiny burn on Luke’s thigh – it looked like a cigarette had been put out there – and Michael’s face crumpled as he dropped down onto the mattress beside his best friend.

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” Michael whispered and Luke closed his eyes but not before the older boy saw the tears welling in them.

“Shut up,” Luke said fiercely but Michael didn’t rise to the bait. He just gave his best friend’s shoulder a gentle squeeze through his t-shirt and relaxed infinitesimally when he felt Luke go limp on the mattress.

“Have you just been lying here chain-smoking and ignoring your phone this whole time?” Michael asked softly and Luke looked up at him slowly. He seemed _exhausted_ this close and Michael could feel the worry gnawing inside him as his fingers drifted to gingerly stroke the rose petals of Luke’s tattoo. The blond boy shivered, goosebumps rising on his skin like he was cold.

“Pretty much,” Luke said but his stupid smile didn’t touch his eyes. They looked red and swollen instead, like he’d been crying a lot. Michael carefully didn’t point this out. Luke snorted weakly. “I threw my phone at the wall two weeks ago but I didn’t want to know if it was broken or not… so I just left it there.” Luke shrugged, expression almost sheepish now although the hollowness in his blue eyes didn’t fade. “The battery died sometime during the second day.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Michael said and he wanted to sound pissed off but it just came out saturated with fondness instead. Michael pushed himself to his feet, crossing the room to pick the cracked phone up before he searched for the charger. It was lying curled beside Luke’s mattress and Michael plugged it in quickly, biting his lip until the charging icon appeared beneath the cracks webbing the screen.

“Your phone is going to survive,” Michael said into the silence. “And so are you, you stupid arsehole. It’s time to fix this.”

“Mike, I… I _can’t_ ,” Luke breathed. “Ashton texted me. He… he doesn’t want anything more to _do_ with me…” The younger boy’s voice was shaking faintly and Luke didn’t complain when Michael gave his hand a brief squeeze. “I don't blame him. Ash doesn’t care anymore.”

“Oh sure, and my middle name’s Pikachu,” Michael said scathingly. Luke gave him a blank look, apparently way too exhausted to even notice the sarcasm. His glassy eyes made it look like he hadn’t been sleeping.

“You wish. Your middle name’s _Gordon_ ,” Luke said slowly and Michael punched his best friend’s shoulder.

“Why the fuck aren’t you trying to fix this?!” the blue-haired boy demanded. “Of _course_ Ashton still cares about you, you absolute wanker!” Michael faltered at the pained look on Luke’s face, exhaling shakily as he tried to calm his breathing. “Just… you should’ve seen him today, bro. He’s fucking messed up about this. Why would he be if he didn’t give a damn?”

Luke looked small and lost as he lay there but his side was pressing into Michael’s thigh now, and the older boy rubbed Luke’s bicep comfortingly, trying to warm him. The blond boy didn’t answer but there was the tiniest trace of hope burning in his eyes and Michael sighed softly, slumping down onto the mattress beside his best friend.

“This is all going to be okay,” Michael murmured but Luke was still staring up at the ceiling, eyes moving like there was something up there worth looking at. Frowning, Michael followed his gaze and felt his heart break in his chest.

There was a picture of Luke’s family stuck up there – poor quality like it had been printed out at school or something – and there were little bits of paper stuck up around it; tickets and letters and notes, and even a few drawings.

Michael recognised some of the ticket stubs even from here – they were from films they’d gone to see together and it made something melt in Michael’s chest that Luke had kept them up after all this time.

There were a few newer films up there too though – ones Michael was thinking about going to see with Calum – and Michael realised with a pang that these were films Luke had gone to see with Ashton.

There was a little strip of photos of the younger boy too; he was sitting on Luke’s lap in the photo booth at the bowling alley, dimples dancing on his cheeks as he giggled into the older boy’s neck with Luke’s arms wrapped warmly around him, keeping him safe.

Michael’s breath left him in a sad sigh as a lump rose in his throat.

Luke was looking up at the pictures too and the love mixing with the pain blazing on his face made Michael want to cry.

“If you apologise,” the blue-haired boy said softly, his voice little more than a sigh. “I think Ash will forgive you.”

' _Did you mean what you said in the text?'_

' _ **Not even a little bit.**_ '

Michael sighed softly and Luke looked up at him with wide blue eyes, eyelashes spiky with tears.

“What do you mean?” the blond boy breathed and Michael wrapped his arms around Luke tightly, pulling him in for a cuddle. The younger boy went with it, long thin legs tangling with Michael’s as he buried his sobs in the older boy’s neck. Michael dropped a kiss onto Luke’s messy blond hair, holding the boy who was as good as a brother closer to him.

“Ash _will_ forgive you,” Michael said and, somehow, he knew it was the truth. The older boy hesitated for a moment, biting his lip before he spoke again, his voice more sincere. “I think he loves you too.”

*

Michael let Luke cry for a little while which the blond boy appreciated a lot but Michael sighed deeply when Luke reached out shakily to roll another cigarette.

“Don’t,” Michael said and Luke shot him a wounded look, face blotchy and red with tears which he hoped the blue-haired boy wasn’t going to mention. Michael’s expression softened fractionally. “Luke, I…” The older boy swallowed, expression grim as he pushed himself into a sitting position. Choking past the rising anxiety, Luke sat up too, watching his best friend warily.

“What?” Luke breathed. His fingers itched to pick up the lighter. Luke curled his small shaking hands into fists.

“I didn’t drag you out of that burning house so that you could waste the rest of your life… just _existing_ ,” Michael said in a rush but his voice twisted around the last word like it was something unfavourable. “I want you to **live**. Your _parents_ would want you to live. You _deserve_ to live, Lukey.”

Michael hadn’t called Luke that pet name and _meant_ it since the night of the fire. Luke’s eyes welled up with tears again and his sobs sounded _painful_ as he curled up into a ball, arms wrapped tight around his bony knees as the boiling tears ran down his face.

“Luke –”

“Don’t look at me!” Luke cried, cheeks flaming with blood in his distress. The blue-haired boy’s shoulders slumped and he reached forwards hesitantly, face crumpling when Luke flinched away from his trembling hand. Luke had always hated crying in front of people.

“I’m not going to leave you like this,” Michael said shakily but Luke was barely listening now.

“Why’re you still _here_?” the blond boy demanded but his voice cracked and his stubble was scratchy when Michael pulled him into his arms. Luke’s tears were soaking Michael’s jumper.

“Because I _love_ you,” the older boy said weakly but the truth in his words was undeniable. “I’ll _always_ love you, bro… no matter _what_ stupid shit you pull, okay?” Michael’s expression was downcast now as he carded his fingers gently through Luke’s blond hair, grimacing a little. He tried a faint smile, trying to ease the tension. “God, dude, you need a fucking shower. You reek.”

“Piss off – so do you,” Luke mumbled, cheeks flaming although he managed a faint watery smile. “What’s your excuse, you stinky bastard?”

“Get fucked, Hemmings,” Michael said unthinkingly and Luke went pale. Michael sighed, rubbing the blond boy’s broad shoulder comfortingly and frowning at how cold he felt. Michael sighed when Luke shivered.

“Go and have a shower, okay? And then grab some clothes and stuff. You can stay at my place tonight. We’re going to work out how you can fucking fix this, okay?” Michael hesitated, biting his full bottom lip hard as Luke looked up at him hopelessly. “I’m not letting you lose him, buddy. I swear.”

Luke let out a soft sigh but he looked calmer than he had done since his best friend had arrived.

“Thank you, Mikey,” Luke breathed and Michael relaxed as the storm in Luke’s eyes faded. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading!  
> I hope you liked it :)  
> Please let me know what you thought <3


	10. Cut Diamond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hopefully this chapter is okay! It isn't that nice tbh but the ending is actually way nicer than it could have been and this needed to happen for Future Things so... yeah...  
> Trigger warning for burns/scalds and description of injuries.  
> I hope you guys will like this one!

It was a warm Saturday morning. The sky was cloudy but bright and Ashton could smell sea-salt with the direction of the breeze when the door to the coffee shop swung open with a chime. Ashton stood there in his coffee bean-patterned apron and quietly said good morning to one of their regulars before he began to make the guy's usual cappuccino.

“How are you today, Ashton?” the guy asked kindly. He looked to be in his late twenties – wavy brown hair, glasses on his nose, medical journals sometimes tucked under one arm – and he came in here all the time. Ashton felt guilty because the guy had learnt all of their names but the curly-haired boy could never remember his – he just knew him as Mr Cappuccino because that was the drink the guy always bought.

“I’m okay thanks,” Ashton lied but he was glad of the distraction. The guy’s cheerful voice kept him from listening to Calum and Harry quietly explaining what Luke had done to Ashton in the back room.

“What a bastard!” Louis could be heard yelling. Ashton cringed when Mr Cappuccino grinned at him.

“Louis having one of those mornings?” the guy joked and Ashton forced a smile, one shoulder rising jerkily in a half-shrug. Before Ashton could come up with an excuse – and be incredibly grateful that Mr Cappuccino wasn’t easily-offended – Ashley’s voice could be heard too.

“I can’t believe Hemmings would cheat on Ashton like that!”

Mr Cappuccino’s smile faded and he gave the sixteen year a surprisingly soft look. Then again, the guy had been coming in here for his daily cappuccinos long before Ashton had started working here so maybe it wasn’t such a shock that he’d grown to care about the staff.

“Is Hemmings the blond one?” the guy asked and Ashton nodded silently. “I’m sorry, kid,” Mr Cappuccino said and Ashton’s lips tugged up into a weak smile at what the older man said next. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this but it’ll get easier.”

Ashton shrugged again but some of the tension in his shoulders had left him now and the anxiety felt looser in his chest.

“Thanks, Mr Cappuccino,” Ashton said unthinkingly and the guy let out a snort of surprised laughter as he handed his money over for the drink. He always gave the exact change. Ashton liked Mr Cappuccino.

“My name’s Dave,” the guy said with an amused roll of his eyes as he headed for his usual table by the window. There was a smile on his face though and he looked content as he took one of his medical journals out of his satchel, settling it on the table before he dropped down into his seat and watched the world go by outside.

Ashton let out a quiet sigh, drumming his fingers quietly on the counter as he stood there. He was aware of his bruised ribs aching dully under the apron but it was the pounding of his head that made him feel worse. He hadn’t got enough sleep the night before – first staying up too late to finish his homework and then simply because he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened – and he’d been woken up at half six by his mum leaving the house for the gym.

The glare of the sunlight made Ashton squint when he tried to look at the street outside and that was probably the only reason he didn’t run off to hide in the back room when the door chimed open again.

Ashton’s heart rose into his throat because Michael was entering with… **Luke**.

He looked a mess, too much stubble on his jaw, deep circles under his eyes as he hunched up in what looked like one of Michael’s hoodies. Luke looked small without his leather jacket. His blond hair was flat on his head and his hands were shaking.

“ _Luke_?” Ashton asked blankly. His knees were shaking. His back hit the counter and Ashton glanced back, saw the bottles of toffee and caramel, and felt his eyes burning with tears. ' _I absolutely promise it’s syrup_.' Michael looked between the pair of them anxiously. “Luke, I don’t want to talk to you.”

Ashton could currently hear Louis explaining in graphic detail all of the terrible things he hoped befell Luke for treating Ashton like that when a grim-faced Ashley appeared in the doorway. She took one look at Luke and Michael, and glared like she was willing lightning bolts to shoot down at the blond boy from the sky.

“What the hell do _you_ want?” Ashley asked Luke in a tone so sharp it could have cut diamond. The others appeared behind her in the doorway upon hearing that and Ashton wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Louis glared at Luke too, as did Harry. Calum just shot an embarrassed, grim-faced Michael a vaguely pitying look.

Luke’s eyes stayed fixed desperately on Ashton’s face.

“Please hear me out,” Luke whispered and his voice made the tears burn hotter in Ashton’s eyes. His breath was coming too fast in his chest. Almost without meaning to, the younger boy nodded. Luke relaxed fractionally, glancing back towards Michael.

“Guys, let’s give them some space,” the blue-haired boy said and, although Louis grumbled something about ‘ _being told what to do in his own fucking coffee shop_ ’, he still allowed Harry to lead him over to a nearby table by the hand. Michael reached for Calum hesitantly but the dark-haired boy shot Ashton a worried look before he followed to sit down too. Ashley was still glaring as she stalked off to clean the tables.

The silence stretched between them and Ashton’s breath escaped him in a shaky little sigh.

“Well?” he asked eventually. He found it was easier to keep his watery eyes fixed on the machine in front of him because, if he looked up into Luke’s face, he might forget how to talk… might forget how to _breathe_ with how much he still cared about the blond boy lingering like poison in his veins. “Luke, I’m working. If you’re not going to say anything then –”

“Ash, I’m so sorry,” Luke croaked, fingers trembling like he needed a cigarette. Ashton’s eyes were too bright with tears. His hands shook when he picked up a cloth to wipe at the machine around the little openings where the boiling water came out.

“I don’t know what I was _thinking_ but… but you deserve a million times better than this and… Damnit, I didn’t ramble like this when I was practising with Mike.”

“You practised?” Ashton whispered, jerking in shock and frowning as the cloth he was using got caught on the underside of the machine, still tangled around his fingers. Luke’s faint smile was like broken glass.

“Three times,” the older boy breathed but his hands hung limply by his sides now, like he’d given up. “I wanted to get this right.” Luke’s self-deprecating smile was utterly humourless. “Guess I’ve never been very good at that though.”

“ _Luke_.” Ashton didn’t know what to say but the distress and anxiety in his tone was evident because... damnit, what did Luke _want_ from him?

“Ash,” Luke whispered and his eyes looked _wet_. “When I told you I… I loved you that night…” Ashton shook his head numbly but Luke looked determined now, like once he’d started speaking he couldn’t stop. “I meant it.”

Ashton’s legs weakened beneath him at the desperate _love_ burning on Luke’s face. The younger boy’s free hand shot out to steady himself but he knocked one of the buttons on the machine that the cloth was still caught under. There was a little hiss of steam and Ashton barely had time to look up at Luke in horror before the boiling water flooded out over his hand.

It felt cold for a split-second and then it was _searing_ as Ashton finally tore his hand free of the trapped cloth. His knees buckled and his cry of pain was choked as Luke’s face drained of blood.

The blond boy was over the counter in a second, arm sliding around Ashton’s waist to keep him upright as Luke kept the younger boy's scalded hand carefully held away from his body. It was already blistering, the skin an angry reddish-pink that made Ashton’s stomach turn as his panic overwhelmed him like wildfire.

Louis was yelling and Ashley’s worried voice was joining the chaos now as Calum cried out in dismay. Harry cursed in rapid French and Michael was staring in shock as the boiling water finally stopped, and Luke’s cheeks were wet with tears now as Ashton’s body shuddered with a sob, sliding down onto the floor in the older boy's arms as the machine steamed red-hot.

Through the chaos, Dave appeared behind the counter too, medical journal long forgotten on the table as he knelt down on the wet floor. The boiling water was cooling on the ground and there was a calm detachedness about him that hinted at him working under stress.

Luke was sitting in the puddle now, shaking as he cradled Ashton to his chest, dropping kisses onto the younger boy’s curls.

“He needs to go to the hospital,” Dave said quietly, his voice soothing enough despite the implications that Ashton relaxed back against Luke with a muffled sob. His breath kept catching in his throat though and Dave’s expression was worried. “Do you know if he suffers anxiety? Or if this is an asthma attack?”

“Just anxiety.” Calum appeared nearby, crouching down and reaching to pat Ashton’s ankle gently since there wasn’t room for him to come any closer. Ashton’s cheeks were flaming but the scalds stretching across his hand and wrist were agony now, and he couldn’t keep his sobs in as Luke rubbed his shoulder gently.

Ashton’s pained whimpers were strangled and Louis looked alarmed as he appeared behind Calum, staring down at the mess of wet tangled limbs behind the counter in shock.

“Ash, mate, you broke your ankle last year and you were fine then,” he said weakly, blue eyes wide and worried. “Just calm down, okay? We’ll get you fixed up. It’s only a little burn.”

“Burns aren’t the same as breaking bones,” Luke said and his voice was sharper than he intended. Louis gave him a cold look but it was clear he was trying not to panic himself.

“Oh, and you’d know?” he asked sharply. Dave and Calum glared at the pair of them.

“Yes, I’d know,” Luke hissed, eyes settling on Michael for a moment before he looked back down at the curly-haired boy again, the love on his face unmistakeable. Louis flinched.

Ashton’s breathing was even more rapid now, shallow and ragged as his pulse hammered weakly in his veins. He was limp in Luke’s arms, skin cold and eyes glazed. Ashton’s good hand was shaking hard as he rubbed at his chest like it was hurting him.

"What's wrong with him?!" Luke asked, fear colouring his tone as he looked up at Dave helplessly.

“He’s going into shock,” the older man said, eyes growing even more worried as he looked at the scalds on Ashton’s right hand and wrist again. “You need to get him to a hospital. _Now_.”

“Louis, you should drive Ashton. I can cover the shop, boss,” Ashley said immediately, eyelashes spiky with tears as she bit anxiously at her bottom lip. She looked like she was trying not to cry. “Cal can help me here. He did work experience in the summer, remember?” Calum nodded weakly, moving aside and into Michael's arms with a muffled sob.

“Sure,” Louis said but he was too pale now, eyes wide as he reached to take Ashton from Luke’s arms. The blond boy was having none of that though.

“I’m coming too!” Luke said indignantly before he faltered, looking down at a dazed Ashton apprehensively. “If he wants me to that is…”

The fingers of Ashton’s good hand curled weakly into Luke’s hoodie and the blond boy looked heartened as he lifted Ashton carefully, keeping his arms wrapped around him securely. The younger boy tucked his face away, tears soaking Luke’s neck as he cradled his scalded hand to his chest.

It was the worst pain he’d ever felt without a doubt.

Worse than being shoved into the lockers every day or breaking bones.

Worse than anything.

*

“I’ve got you,” Luke whispered as Louis led the way out to his car, holding the back door open for them. Luke struggled into the middle seat, settling Ashton as comfortably as he could beside him before he reached to strap the younger boy in. Ashton was still sobbing, cheek pressed to the cool glass of the window as Luke rubbed his knee comfortingly, trying to keep him calm.

Louis drove dangerously fast on the way to the hospital, skipping several red lights and keeping up an almost-constant tirade of how this – and anything else that had gone wrong after the dinosaurs had been wiped out – was Luke’s fault.

The blond boy let Louis rant. His anger was impressive and his increasingly ridiculous accusations seemed to be distracting Ashton from his pain so Luke figured that was a win.

“The machine must have broken,” Louis muttered as he helped Luke get Ashton out of the car. “No way should that much water have come out in one go. No _way_.”

“You should tell Ashley and Calum then – let them know they need to be careful,” Luke said and Louis gave him a long look as they carefully made their way across the busy carpark. Ashton wasn’t crying anymore but his bottom lip was welling with blood where he kept biting at it and his curls were sticking to his sweaty forehead. Something softened in Louis’ expression when he looked at Luke.

“I will,” he said and there was no heat in his voice anymore. “You keep hold of Ash, okay? I’m gonna go ask the receptionist where we need to take him.”

Luke kept his arm wrapped firmly around Ashton’s waist as they waited while Louis went up to the desk to explain what had happened. It was loud in the hospital, busy and apparently scary if the way Ashton kept flinching was anything to go by.

“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart,” Luke whispered and Ashton looked up at him jerkily, hazel eyes unfocused with pain as tears welled in them. Luke thumbed one away gently, his eyes sad and more loving than Ashton had ever seen. “I promise it is.”

Louis came back, took in the way Ashton was holding onto the front of Luke’s hoodie for dear life. Louis looked even more upset now.

“Someone’s coming to take Ash to get treated and the hospital are going to call your mum,” he explained quietly and Ashton relaxed further at his familiar voice. “But we can’t come with you, Ash. Not until they’ve fixed you up.”

Ashton whimpered but neither of the older boys had time to comfort him before an orderly arrived to gently lead the younger boy away, leaving Luke and Louis behind.

They didn’t see Ashton again for _hours_.

*

It was a long day at the hospital.

Luke and Louis sat in the canteen with their phones lying on the table between them. They were waiting for Ashton to text to let them know that they could go and visit him, and the hours were trickling through their fingers slower than grains of sand.

When it reached four o’clock, Luke finally grew tired of watching Louis’ hands shake as he grew more and more tetchy. Luke gave him one of his own cigarettes and a lighter, realising that Louis was probably going to end up tearing his head off if he didn’t smoke soon.

Luke could spot another smoker a mile off.

“You sure?” Louis asked, even as he rose with the cigarette held tightly between his fingers. He left Luke’s lighter on the table though, reaching into his pocket for his own. When Luke nodded, Louis shot him a tight-lipped smile that didn’t touch his eyes as he strode quickly out of the canteen.

Luke watched him go silently, fighting not to give in to his own needs. He’d done that too much lately as it was. Luke squeezed his eyes tightly shut, fought not to think of the girl in that _fucking_ club… and was rewarded with his cracked phone screen lighting up with an incoming call from Ashton when he opened his eyes.

Luke scrabbled for his phone.

“Ash?” he asked as soon as he hit the answer button. “Ash, sweetheart, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Ashton’s voice sounded small and sad over the line. Luke felt something wither in his chest. “You can come see me now if you want. I’m up on the third floor.”

*

Luke was scared when he opened the door.

The hospital room looked very similar to the one Luke had stayed in after his motorbike accident (and before, after the house fire... but Luke was trying not to think about that). The walls were a mint green and the plastic purple chairs beside Ashton’s bed were extremely uncomfortable. The sixteen year old looked small lying on the white sheets in his jeans and t-shirt. His stupid coffee shop apron was lying folded on a chair nearby.

“Hey,” Ashton said quietly when he saw the older boy. Luke swallowed past the lump rising in his throat. “You just missed mum.” Ashton let his eyes slide shut to reveal soft lavender lids that were swollen from too much crying earlier in the day. “I told her she should go home.” At Luke’s look of confusion, Ashton gave a jerky little shrug, like he wasn’t upset. “I have to stay here tonight because the… the burns are deep but… I’m allowed to go home tomorrow morning if… if they aren’t any worse by then.”

“I’ll stay with you,” Luke offered, keeping his voice soft so that it wouldn’t have a chance to break. Ashton’s eyes fluttered open. “So you’re not on your own.”

“Thank you,” the younger boy said quietly. Most of the embarrassment and pain from earlier in the day seemed to have faded now, and he just looked drained as he lay there. Luke sat down hesitantly in the chair beside his bed when Ashton patted it hopefully. “How are you?”

“Screw that,” Luke said weakly, eyes burning again. He hated crying but it felt like he couldn’t stop today. “ _You’re_ the one who got hurt. How are _you_? What are the doctors saying?”

Ashton shrugged morosely, looking down at his injuries where his arm was lying limply on the sheets. The skin of his hand and wrist were all red and blotchy beneath the dressing, and it had swollen and blistered enough that it had made him feel sick to look at it earlier. Now the moist damaged skin was bandaged and Ashton was trying not to move his right hand at all, just in case it made the pain flare up again.

“Deep dermal or partial thickness burns, I think they’re calling it,” Ashton said weakly, shuddering. “They don’t think I’ll need a skin graft but they’re still not sure…. I need antibiotics though… and stronger pain meds apparently. I’m pretty high on some right now though,” Ashton added and Luke saw the glazed look in his eyes for the first time. That explained the lack of panic at least. “So it’s all good.”

“ _Nothing_ is good about this situation, Ash,” Luke said but his voice was shaking and he looked tearful again. “Those are second degree burns. That’s _bad_.” Ashton tilted his head to the side, complexion still unusually pale now as the tear-tracks dried sticky on his cheeks. He raised an eyebrow.

“You’re here, aren’t you? I wouldn’t call that bad.” Ashton exhaled sharply when a tear slid down Luke’s cheek. “I hate hospitals,” the younger boy breathed suddenly. “It reminds me of being a kid. My dad –”

Ashton choked on his words and Luke’s eyes became pained as he sat held Ashton’s good hand in his own. He wasn’t surprised to discover that it was shaking.

“Your dad’s gone,” Luke said quietly but there was worry in his voice now as he tried to work out what had happened. “You… you said he left when you were two?” the blond boy asked hesitantly but his words died in his throat when the curly-haired boy’s expression darkened.

“Sometimes he came back,” Ashton said, fighting down another shudder. Luke bit back his tears, raising Ashton’s good hand carefully to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles.

“He’s gone,” Luke repeated. Ashton relaxed back onto the mattress and Luke pressed another kiss to his hand. “He’s gone and he’s never going to hurt you again. Not ever.”

Ashton didn’t ask Luke how he’d worked it out. He just smiled faintly as he sank down onto the pillows. Luke’s expression was softer now as he set Ashton’s hand down gently, reaching to stroke his curls back instead. Ashton’s eyes grew sad but he didn’t pull away.

“I’m so sorry you got hurt, Ash,” Luke whispered, eyes burning. Ashton watched him silently, hazel eyes big in his exhausted face. Luke’s blond hair was limp and dull beneath the harsh lights, and his blue eyes looked empty. Ashton still thought he was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“This wasn’t your fault, Luke,” the younger boy said softly. Luke’s expression became abruptly agonised.

“Maybe not but... but everything else was,” the blond boy said, speaking quickly before he could overthink things again. “Ash, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what I did. I know I… I know I’ve already said this… and I know you were good enough to listen the first time but… this just feels so important to get out, y’know? I want you to… to understand – No, I _need_ you to understand.”

Luke swallowed past his tears and his eyes were blazing when Ashton looked up at him, making the younger boy’s words wither on his tongue.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me for what I did and… that’s okay. I don’t blame you. I don’t _deserve_ your forgiveness,” Luke said, wiping his eyes fiercely with the back of his hand. His gaze never left Ashton’s face though. “But… if you ever… if you _can_ forgive me… God, Ash, you’ve got to understand that I’m a fucking _mess_. I screwed this up and it was the one thing I never wanted to do, and you cannot possibly understand how livid I am with myself right now… Ash, my head is… it’s not a nice place to be, okay? But… but when I’m with you, I felt like maybe everything could be okay again after all.”

Ashton opened his mouth but it took a moment for any sound to escape him.

“But what about _her_?” he asked softly. Luke choked on a sob and his hands were shaking as he cradled Ashton’s overheated face gently between his palms.

“She’s _no one_ ,” Luke promised and he’d never meant anything more. “I don’t even know her name and I don’t want to because… damnit, Ash, you’re the first person in my heart, okay? You’re _always_ going to be the first. You got syrup on my hand and you were the worst at flirting ever, and you have these fucking _eyes_ that I just – god, I don’t even know anymore – I just _lose_ myself in them, yeah? And it scares the fucking hell out of me because _no one_ can make me feel the way you do. You’re… you’re my _oxygen_ , Ash, and I’m not saying that to try and guilt you into giving me another chance because I _know_ I don’t deserve one. I just… I needed you to know how important you are to me… before I go.”

Luke took a deep, steadying breath but his heart broke when he saw the tears rolling down Ashton’s cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Luke breathed when Ashton shook his head wordlessly, tears trickling faster now. Luke rose on shaky legs and Ashton made a tiny sound in his throat, bad hand twitching towards Luke before he remembered and choked on a sob. "You don't have to say it. I understand."

Luke was halfway to the door when Ashton's words finally clawed their way out of his throat, freezing the blond boy in his tracks.

“Please don’t go,” Ashton gasped out and Luke’s heart was crumbling to pieces when he turned to face the younger boy in shock. “What you did... it’s not okay, Luke, but… but _please_ … don’t leave me.”

“Okay,” Luke breathed and Ashton’s tears were falling faster now but his breathing calmed noticeably when Luke fell back down into the seat, holding Ashton’s good hand securely in his own.

The younger boy raised it shakily, pressing a tiny kiss to Luke’s knuckles.

“I forgive you,” Ashton whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	11. A Mile Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing the second half of this chapter. I just felt bad writing the beginning because I'm too mean to my characters.  
> I hope you guys will like this though! :)

Ashton was trying to teach himself to write with his left hand.

He took a week off school following the accident but his homework had been emailed to him at Anne’s request and Ashton was doing his best to get it done. (Anne kept crying too, just randomly bursting into tears whenever she caught sight of her son’s injuries and, although it made Ashton feel kind of shitty to see her so upset all the time, it also confirmed what Luke had said that evening in the coffee shop – she really _did_ care about him and it meant a lot.) In the end, Ashton settled for typing his homework out slowly on his laptop instead of writing it but he hoped he’d be able to write again once his hand had healed. Ashton couldn’t feel much in it at the moment and the doctors weren’t sure how much nerve damage had occurred but apparently the fact that it was still hurting like crazy was actually positive.

Louis felt awful about what had happened, as did his mum Johannah, despite Ashton insisting that it wasn’t their fault. _Nobody_ was to blame but Johannah still kept sending him tubs of brownies round and Ashton certainly wasn’t going to complain about that.

Calum and Harry came round to visit him after school most days, sometimes with Michael and once even with Luke although Anne was _not_ happy to see the blond boy. They ate the brownies with Ashton and watched films, and carefully avoided talking about anything that actually mattered, _especially_ Luke.

The curly-haired boy didn’t mind though; he actually appreciated it a lot.

He had the best friends in the world probably.

*

Going back to school after what happened was hard.

Ashton wore Harry’s old school jumper instead of his own because it was a lot bigger and it made hiding his bandaged hand easier. His glasses slid down his nose just like always but the curly-haired boy forgot sometimes and reached to push them up with the wrong hand, and the fumbling of his clumsy, painful fingers was a horrible reminder.

The bullies were even worse now that Ashton had been off for so long and it was almost like they’d _missed_ him in some warped way; their faces lit up when they saw him and their laughter sounded cruel when he flinched away from them instinctively.

Harry and Calum were doing their best to keep the smaller boy safe but, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t _always_ spot danger coming.

The three of them found this out at lunchtime the next day.

They’d just been getting their textbooks out of their lockers when someone decided it would be a great idea to run up behind Ashton and shove him as hard as they could into the locker. The sixteen year old was only small and he was clumsy at the best of times, and Ashton reacted instinctively, throwing his hands out to save himself. They hit the locker hard and Ashton’s head swam sickeningly at how badly his hand hurt.

Everything was a bit of a blur after that. Harry swore in a colourful mixture of English and French, and Ashton looked up with tear-wet eyes just in time to see Calum lunging forwards to clout the guy across the jaw.

“Hood!” a passing teacher shouted as they hurried towards the office. “Go to the head teacher! Now!”

Calum cursed, watching the teacher’s retreating back and clutching his fist but he almost fell when – the very moment the teacher was out of sight – the bully threw a punch too. Calum’s head snapped back and Ashton caught the briefest glimpse of blood before he covered his face with his good hand as the tears began to fall. Michael appeared, pale face stony as he slammed the guy back against Ashton’s locker, pinning him there.

“Let me go!” the bully hissed but he looked wary now, a year younger than the blue-haired boy and much shorter. Michael glared down at him and the guy seemed to shrink.

“Don’t do that again,” he warned quietly, fist tightening in the front of the younger boy’s jumper. “Don’t hurt Ashton, don’t do shit to Harry, and don’t you fucking _dare_ touch Calum ever again, okay?” Michael turned to face the bully properly and the guy flinched when he saw the burn on the older boy’s face. Michael looked away in disgust. “Get the hell out of here,” he spat.

The guy scarpered and Michael seemed to slump, one hand rising to cover his cheek as he tuned to look at Calum with burning eyes. The dark-haired boy’s nose was bleeding but he looked relatively unharmed and Michael pulled him in for a tight hug, green eyes settling on Harry and Ashton over his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Don’t cry,” Harry said softly, arms wrapped around Ashton as they sat against the lockers. Ashton’s hazel eyes were swimming with tears and he was clutching his bandaged hand to his chest, whimpering softly. Harry brushed his lips lightly over Ashton’s curls, the comforting action distinctly brotherly. “ _Je t’aime_ , yes? You are alright now. You are _safe_. Listen to _Raiponce_.”

Ashton managed a watery smile as he gave one of the older boy’s long curls a weak tug and Harry hugged him tighter, murmuring softly in French as Ashton struggled to regain control of his breathing.

Michael crouched down nearby, his green eyes big and worried. Calum dropped to his knees too, hand settling comfortingly on Ashton’s ankle like he’d done that day in the coffee shop.

“Are you alright?” Michael asked softly and Ashton sniffed, giving a jerky nod. He inhaled shakily as he let his bandaged hand settle lightly in his lap and Harry relaxed beside him, helping Ashton to his feet. “I saw that kid shove you,” Michael pressed hesitantly and Ashton sighed, staring down at his feet as his cheeks flamed red. “What happened?”

“He does it all the time,” Calum offered hesitantly, voice thick as he pinched his nose. “Him and his stupid friends. They’re always bullying Ash… and me and Harry now too I guess.”

“Oh my god,” Michael breathed, looking floored and _very_ upset to learn this. His face crumpled and he pulled Ashton into a careful one-armed hug that the curly-haired boy actually appreciated a lot. “I’m so sorry. _All_ of you... I had no idea.”

Calum’s cheeks were flaming scarlet as he rubbed the back of his neck uneasily, shaking his bruised hand out with a frown on his face when he caught Harry watching him with concern.

“Well… I better get to the head teacher’s office then,” Calum said shakily and Michael looked up with wide, worried eyes.

“Will you be okay? Do you want me to come with you and explain what happened?” Michael asked but Calum just shook his head, managing a weak smile as he reached out to squeeze Ashton’s shoulder reassuringly.

“No, I’ll be alright,” Calum said in a small voice. “I’ve never done anything like this before. The worst she’s going to do is send me home… and then I get to miss PE. It’s a win-win.” Calum was apparently trying to hide how nervous he was but Ashton could see through it. He’d known the dark-haired boy too long.

“Thank you,” Ashton whispered and Calum gave him a faint smile, nodding like it was the least he could do.

“Anything for you, Ash,” the younger boy said. He picked his backpack up off the floor, slinging it over one shoulder before he gave the three of them a weak smile and started in the direction of the head teacher's office. “I’ll see you two tomorrow,” he said to Harry and Ashton over his shoulder before his chocolate brown eyes flickered to Michael. “You still coming round later?”

“Eurgh, of course not,” Michael teased but his emerald green eyes were soft now and the pair were staring at each other with undisguised fondness. “I’ll see you later, lovebug.”

Ashton’s hand hurt too much for him to consider teasing Michael and Calum for the sickeningly sweet pet name but he still managed an eye roll. Ashton had a reputation to uphold after all.

“What lesson have you guys got next?” Michael asked softly but he was still watching Calum’s retreating back. Harry slipped his arm around Ashton’s waist easily.

“ _Français_ ,” Harry said with a smirk.

Michael rolled his eyes at them with mild amusement but he still looked fond.

“C’mon then,” the blue-haired boy said as he settled his hand comfortingly on Ashton’s still-shaking shoulder. “I’m up on the third floor too. Lead the way.”

*

Michael couldn’t believe they’d actually sent Calum home for that… for defending his friend from people who’d apparently been making all of their lives a misery ever since they’d joined the school.

The blue-haired boy felt terrible that he’d never known about it before but he swore he was going to put a stop to this, even if it meant literally never leaving the three of them again. Michael couldn’t pretend to mind though; Harry and Ashton were funny and sweet, and spending time with Calum was just about Michael’s favourite thing to do on the planet.

Michael liked Calum’s house. It was small and cosy, and there always seemed to be a lot of family members there who didn’t actually live there. Michael had met Calum’s older sister Mali (who had already moved out) and her boyfriend Tom on his first visit, and then Calum’s aunt and uncle the time after. Michael was therefore slightly surprised when he turned up after school that day, only to discover that it was just Calum with no extended relatives or parents at all.

“Hey, Mikey,” Calum said when he opened the door for his boyfriend. The younger boy’s bruised nose looked painful - as did his knuckles, Michael noticed belatedly - but Calum’s chocolate brown eyes still twinkled faintly when Michael’s arms wrapped around his waist, cuddling him close.

“Come inside,” Calum said gently, pressing a soft kiss to Michael’s burnt cheek before the blue-haired boy could think to hide his face. Michael blushed. “I think it’s going to rain.”

“Did you get in trouble with your parents for getting sent home?” the eighteen year old asked cautiously. Michael left his combat boots lined up neatly beside the door so that Calum’s mum Joy would continue liking him and he looked up in time to see the younger boy rolling his warm eyes fondly.

“It was surprisingly okay actually,” Calum said, dimples creasing his cheeks faintly. “Dad came to pick me up and mum told me she was actually proud of me for standing up for Ash, even if it _did_ mean I got sent home – can you believe that?”

“Every cloud and all that,” Michael said but, when Calum only looked at him blankly, Michael laughed softly, catching his boyfriend's full lips in a gentle kiss. “I’m talking about silver linings, Cal.”

“Oh right,” Calum blushed, giggling into Michael’s neck as he wrapped his arms around the older boy’s shoulders. “I was just testing you.”

“Of course you were, Cal,” Michael said, utterly deadpan for just a moment. “Testing me on something that  _I_ brought up. Makes perfect sense obviously.”

“Shut up, Mike,” Calum whined but he was grinning as he pressed a kiss to Michael’s neck where the collar of his shirt was slipping aside. “You keep being mean to me.”

“I can definitely make that up to you,” Michael promised, green eyes twinkling. Calum went even redder but his grip on Michael’s broad shoulders tightened and the older boy struggled to suppress his smile. “Where’re your parents, lovebug?”

“Supermarket,” Calum said, pulling a face. “But they only just left so they’re gonna be another hour at least.” Michael could probably have fried eggs on Calum’s cheeks now but the dark-haired boy looked so cute as he hid his face in Michael’s neck that the blue-haired boy just wanted to hug him forever.

“It won’t take an hour,” Michael teased and Calum whined again, smacking Michael lightly on the shoulder and muffling his giggles in the older boy’s neck before he wriggled free. At Michael’s questioning look, Calum simply grinned at him and entwined their fingers, pulling his boyfriend up the stairs.

Calum’s bedroom was tiny; there was only room for his single bed, a narrow wardrobe and his bass guitar. Michael quite liked it though because the walls were papered with posters of bands and his navy blue curtains had little race cars driving along the bottom of them, a relic of his childhood. (Calum had been embarrassed of them at first but Michael thought it was the cutest thing ever so he’d since got over that.)

“Good afternoon, Michael,” the blue-haired boy said to the bear sitting on top of Calum’s wardrobe. Calum groaned dramatically, slumping down onto his bed and hiding his face in the pillow as Michael shut the door behind them.

“Stop talking to the bear every single time you walk in here,” Calum complained, trying not to laugh. “It’s _weird_.” The dark-haired boy was grinning so wide that Michael could hear it in his voice though and the younger boy let out a huff of air when Michael flopped down on top of him, covering Calum’s body with his own. He kissed the back of the dark-haired boy’s neck and Calum shivered, melting under Michael.

“I didn’t name him after you,” Calum added in a mumble but his smile was still painfully apparent and Michael could spot one of his boyfriend’s lies a mile off now. “That’d be weird.”

“But you _are_ weird,” Michael teased, one hand running comfortingly over Calum’s ribs before he settled down beside his boyfriend instead, gently helping him turn over so that he was facing Michael. “You’re the cutest, weirdest, most adorable person ever.”

“So are you! You keep making me have _feelings_ ,” Calum accused but his cheeks were pink and he looked so pleased as he lay there in Michael’s arms, dark curls falling across his forehead as he bit his bottom lip to suppress his smile.

Michael’s hands slid under his boyfriend's jumper and he stroked the warm skin of Calum’s back comfortingly, a gentle smile on his face as he kissed Calum’s forehead. They did this all the time now but Michael had a feeling he was never going to get over being this close to Calum. (He hoped he never did.)

“How long have we been dating now?” Calum asked, pressing a fleeting kiss to the underside of Michael’s jaw, his fingers rising to stroke the stubble.

“Hmmm…” Calum could feel Michael’s words through his chest if the smile on the younger boy’s face was anything to go by and Michael’s expression mirrored Calum’s perfectly as he considered it. “I think about two and a half months now? It might be a little bit longer than that though…”

“Oh wow,” Calum mumbled, chocolate brown eyes widening as he took in Michael’s face. The younger boy's expression was soft as the pad of his thumb stroked gently over Michael’s burnt cheek but there was a tiny bit of uncertainty in Calum’s face now that he tried to laugh off. “I can’t believe you’re not bored of me yet.”

Michael felt a pang at that, at the insecurity he could see blooming in Calum’s lovely eyes. The older boy cuddled his boyfriend closer, stroking the warm skin of his back comfortingly as Michael rolled to settle over him carefully. Calum’s chocolate brown eyes were still sparkling even now. Michael ducked his head to kiss him gently.

“I’m never going to get bored of you,” the blue-haired boy whispered and the next words escaped him before he had time to overthink it: “I _love_ you, Cal.”

Calum’s dark eyes welled up and his eyelashes were spiky with tears in the silence that followed. Michael bit his lip but he’d only just thought about moving away to give the younger boy some space when Calum tugged him down into a kiss, his mouth bumping clumsily against Michael’s as a tiny needy sound escaped him.

“I love you too,” Calum whispered, voice thick like he was about to start crying.

Michael’s heart felt like it was melting in his chest when he drew Calum into a gentler kiss, palms soft on the younger boy's cheeks.

“I love you so, _so_ much,” Michael murmured. He buried his smile in Calum’s neck when the dark-haired boy let out a whine at the feeling of Michael’s leg slipping between his thighs. Calum’s fingers were pressing into Michael’s shoulders now and the blue-haired boy kissed his boyfriend’s throat, his lips a warm drag downwards as Michael unbuttoned Calum’s shirt carefully.

There was a flush spreading down Calum’s chest and he was panting a little bit as goosebumps broke out on his skin. It was satisfying to watch and Michael was fighting a smirk as he kissed all the way down the younger boy’s stomach, tongue darting out to taste the tanned skin as Calum’s hips jerked upwards. The dark-haired boy was too turned on to be embarrassed now.

“Oh?” Calum asked anyway, still playful even now as he watched Michael with darkened eyes. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m making up for being mean to you, remember?” Michael teased before he pressed another kiss to Calum’s stomach, making the younger boy’s breath hitch as the muscles tensed. “Not that I’m ever mean to you really,” Michael mumbled, smiling into Calum’s warm skin as he fumbled with the button on his trousers.

Calum sighed contentedly when the older boy finally got them open, shaking hands settling lightly in Michael’s bright blue hair as a moan caught in his throat when the older boy wrapped his fingers around Calum’s hard cock.

“ _Mikey_ ,” the dark-haired boy whined, eyes squeezing shut, eyelashes fanning out over his flushed cheeks. Michael’s expression softened and he pressed a gentle kiss to Calum’s hip as he began to jerk his fist gently.

“I’ve got you, lovebug,” Michael promised and Calum relaxed under him, stroking Michael’s scalp gently with his fingertips as he lost himself in the feelings.

Calum thought about how pretty Michael looked with his emerald eyes and sapphire hair, and how pearly his skin was when Calum ran his fingertips over it, making him shiver. He thought about Michael’s breathless laughter and how cute he was when he squished his face into Calum’s neck, and Calum thought about how Michael _loved_ him with adoration swelling inside him and his heart pounding in his chest –

And then Michael took Calum into his mouth and the dark-haired boy stopped thinking all together.

The only thing that mattered was Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!  
> I can't wait to hear what you thought :) <3


	12. Carry On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That awkward moment when this was originally supposed to be a happy fic...

Luke had gone to school again. He’d regretted the decision almost instantly but it was still better than the alternative: sitting at home with Ben beneath a cloud of stale cigarette smoke.

He was meeting Ashton now though, alone together for the first time since that night at the hospital when the younger boy had forgiven Luke. The blond boy still couldn’t believe he’d been lucky enough for that. Ashton continued to surprise him at every turn.

Luke’s bad mood from having to put up with his classmates all day evaporated when he saw Ashton waiting for him up ahead. The younger boy’s curls shone beneath the sunlight and his glasses glinted as he looked helplessly towards Luke.

The blond boy’s face fell when he saw Ashton backing away from someone and his lips pressed together into a hard line when he saw the guy shove Ashton’s shoulder. It must be one of the bullies from his school and Luke felt his blood run cold when he saw the guy literally herding Ashton towards the road.

Michael had told Luke what he’d seen in the hallway a few days ago but it was something else to see it unfolding in front of his eyes.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Luke shouted as he approached them. “Get away from my boyfriend, you arsehole!”

Luke didn’t even have a chance to get _close_ to the bully which was flattering. The guy just took one look at him stalking over in his leather jacket and ran for the hills. Ashton looked vaguely smug despite himself.

Luke watched the guy go, arms folded tightly across his chest, muscles straining against the sleeves of his jacket as he struggled to feel slightly less murderous. He couldn’t stand the thought of someone hurting Ashton. The curly-haired boy had been through enough shit as it was; he deserved people to be _kind_ to him.

“Boyfriend, huh?” Ashton teased weakly when Luke finally turned round, rubbing the back of his neck uneasily. Ashton looked pale despite his joking and he was shaking when Luke pulled him into a gentle hug. Ashton’s voice came out muffled when he spoke again: “Who said I was taking you back?”

“I just didn’t want him to hurt you,” Luke mumbled, dropping a chaste kiss onto Ashton’s soft curls as the younger boy clung to him tightly, apparently despite himself. “I didn’t mean anything by it…” Luke spoke again quickly before Ashton could feel obligated to say something. “Did that waste of space hurt you?”

“He always hurts me.” Ashton’s voice was little more than a whisper and a lump rose in Luke’s throat when he saw Ashton’s hand twitching towards his probably-bruised ribs. “But not right then.” Ashton shrugged like it didn’t matter but his lovely hazel eyes were gleaming with tears. “He did earlier though… when his friends were there.”

“ _Ash_ –” Luke said helplessly but the younger boy’s good hand found his, their fingers lacing together as Ashton tugged him away, heading out of the town.

“C'mon. I don’t want him to come back with his friends now,” he said shakily. His glasses were smeary from where he’d been crying a little bit and Luke’s heart felt like it was breaking in his chest as he squeezed Ashton’s hand reassuringly. Luke didn’t speak because there didn’t seem to be anything he could say; nothing was going to make this easier.

Ashton flexed his bad hand slowly, face screwing up like it hurt. The blond boy bit his lip anxiously.

“How’s your hand feeling?” Luke asked softly. Ashton shrugged.

“It’s okay… still painful.” He chewed his full bottom lip, expression downcast as he fell into step beside Luke. There were no bandages now but the bright pink of the scalded skin still looked shocking. “I have to do these exercises to stretch the skin but it hurts a lot. It feels like it’s going to split apart.”

Luke flinched but it was more because he was remembering his own physical therapy sessions after the house fire.

“PT’s brutal,” he said and Ashton looked up at him with worried curiosity burning in his hazel eyes. The younger boy’s gaze flickered towards Luke’s burnt shoulder but the blond boy pretended not to notice.

He didn't want to talk about it now.

*

It had been sunny earlier in the day but there were grey clouds building overhead now, roiling in the darkening sky like it was going to rain. Ashton pressed a little closer to Luke’s side and the blond boy tightened his hold on the smaller boy’s hand.

“Didn’t you want to go to the coffee shop?” Luke asked suddenly as they headed into the suburbs. The roads were tree-lined here but they were still a few streets away from Oogie Boogie. Ashton shrugged morosely, managing a weak smile that didn’t touch his sad eyes.

He’d been so happy once, even despite all of the shit that had happened to him. Luke hated that Ashton looked empty now.

“I can’t stand being there at the moment,” the sixteen year old said quietly. “It reminds me…” Ashton shuddered but his cheeks were heating like he was embarrassed and Luke couldn’t stand that. He gave the younger boy’s hand another comforting squeeze and Ashton sniffed tearfully. “Anyway, they’ll just be mean to you. I can’t take it.”

“You think so?” Luke asked carefully, voice meek. “Even after that week with the films and the brownies?”

“Probably,” Ashton said but he was smiling faintly now, like those memories were good ones. Luke was glad. “They're very stubborn… Louis and Ashley especially.”

“I know. Ashley scares me,” Luke said seriously and Ashton giggled, his eyes widening like the sound had surprised him. Luke’s blue eyes crinkled as he smiled.

“Ashley’s terrifying. It’s amazing,” the younger boy said honestly, the faintest hint of his dimples showing in his soft cheeks. “You’ll have to be a model human for the next ten years before _she_ forgives you.”

Luke grinned as the Oogie Boogie tree came into sight.

“I’ll do my best, Ash.”

*

Anne was still at work when Ashton unlocked the front door to let them in and the sixteen year old was relieved. Although he hadn’t told his mum what Luke had done outright, he was fairly certain she’d been able to guess and it hadn’t exactly warmed her to the blond boy. It was probably a good thing she was working late tonight.

The pair of them ate leftover tuna pasta bake straight out of the glass dish at Ashton’s kitchen table, legs tangled beneath it as they dug into the food with their forks.

“This is so good,” Luke moaned, making Ashton giggle into his good hand. “Did you make it?”

“My mum did,” Ashton said and Luke sobered slightly although his blue eyes remained soft.

“How’s she taking you not working anymore?” he asked hesitantly. “I know you said she wanted you to save up for college.”

“She’s okay with it,” Ashton said but his hand was shaking when he let the fork fall with a clatter. “She still feels so bad. She thinks it’s her fault.” Luke pulled a face but didn’t deny it and Ashton felt guilty as he bit his bottom lip hard, frowning down into the remains of their dinner.

None of this was Anne’s fault.

It wasn’t _anyone_ ’s fault, just like he’d insisted to Louis and Johannah before.

Sometimes bad things just happened.

Ashton was used to it.

*

They went upstairs when they heard Anne’s car in the driveway, fingers tangling again as they ducked into the younger boy’s room. It was dark in there, the curtains parted just enough that a thin sliver of silvery moonlight entered.

Luke hesitated beside Ashton, his face crumpling as he looked at that spot on the floor where Ashton had knelt in front of him, fingertips drifting over the bruise on his boyfriend’s neck, tears running down his face.

“Sweetheart –” Luke breathed and his beautiful blue eyes were sparkling with tears. Ashton shook his head fiercely, slumping down onto his bed and pulling Luke down with him. The blond boy settled down beside him carefully, his head falling to rest on Ashton’s shoulder as the younger boy carded his fingers gently through Luke’s blond hair. Ashton could feel the scar from the motorbike accident hidden there.

“Don’t apologise again,” the younger boy murmured, dropping a soft kiss onto the top of Luke’s head before he could think better of it. “You don’t have to keep asking me to forgive you, Luke. I already have.”

“Okay,” Luke said uncertainly, looking up just in time to see Ashton’s face crumple as his hazel gaze settled on his burnt hand. “Oh, Ash,” Luke sighed. He pushed himself up into a careful sitting position, helping the younger boy straighten up too until they were sitting cross-legged across from each other, knees brushing between them.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Luke asked gently, thumbing something wet from Ashton’s cheek. The younger boy’s face coloured when he realised it was a tear. “Is it hurting?”

“That’s not why I’m –” Ashton faltered, struggling to inhale deeply enough that he regained control of his breathing. Some of the anxiety inside him lessened at the gentle look on Luke’s pale face in the moonlight. “I just… I hate it. It… it’s scarred _so_ badly and… every single time I see it…” Ashton’s shoulders slumped and he looked down, cradling his scarred hand in his lap. His face was cast into shadow now but Luke could still see the glimmer of tears as they ran down his cheeks. “I can’t forget,” Ashton said brokenly.

Luke was trembling when he reached out to gently – and so, _so_ carefully – lay his hand over Ashton’s sore one. The younger boy looked up at him in shock, hazel eyes wide and eyelashes spiky with tears as he swallowed audibly past the lump in his throat.

“I know how you feel,” Luke whispered and Ashton watched him for a long time before he nodded solemnly, his gaze drifting back down again, to where he’d seen Luke’s burn on the day of their first date.

“Your shoulder?” the curly-haired boy asked sympathetically and Luke’s expression became wry as he reached to grip the hem of his school jumper, tugging it up over his head and leaving his hair a mess afterwards.

“It’s a little bit more than that actually,” Luke said with a hollow sort of laugh. Ashton bit his full bottom lip hard when Luke’s shaking fingers fell to unbutton his school shirt. Ashton felt his eyes prickle with frightened tears as more and more of Luke’s chest was revealed until, finally, he cast the shirt aside.

The first thing Ashton’s eyes were drawn to was the tattoo.

The blood-red roses with their snarl of thorns and twisting leaves stretched up across the muscle in Luke’s shoulder, curling around his bicep and drifting all the way back over his shoulder blade.

The next thing Ashton noticed were the burns.

There were so _many_ ; the scars stretched across his chest, over both shoulders, around his biceps, all the way down to his stomach and beneath his trousers.

Ashton choked, hands rising to cover his mouth shakily as he looked up at the older boy with wide, tear-wet eyes.

“What _happened_ to you?” Ashton breathed into the silence.

For a long moment, the blond boy didn’t say anything at all but, after what felt like an age, he finally spoke.

"No one ever found out how it started," Luke whispered and his tone was so raw that Ashton felt quite certain the blond boy had never talked about this before. "One minute I was watching football with my brothers while my parents were upstairs and everything was _good_... and the next everything just... wasn't anymore."

Luke faltered but Ashton didn't speak; he simply waited, eyes soft as Luke gathered the courage to carry on speaking.

"I... I don't know what caught fire first," he whispered and Ashton's blood ran cold. "I only remember when the curtains went up... and then the rug... and the blanket I was sitting under on the sofa."

Luke's hands shook when they fell down to brush his thighs through the black school trousers he was wearing. Ashton almost couldn't breathe past the lump in his throat now.

"It happened so _fast_ ," Luke choked out, eyes gleaming. "The fire was kind of... between us and the front door? Like it didn't want us to get out." A tiny brittle burst of nervous laughter escaped him and Ashton wanted nothing more than to pull Luke into his arms but then Luke might stop talking and... and the blond boy needed to get these words out.

Ashton could _see_ it.

"The fire was... It was on the stairs. There was so much _smoke_ , Ash. Mum and dad were... they couldn't come down..." Luke shook his head and a tear rolled down his cheek. He didn't even seem to notice it. "Jack... he called the fire brigade... and then something in the kitchen... it just exploded… so we... we couldn't get out."

" _Luke_ ," Ashton gasped out but Luke barely seemed to hear him.

"Molly was stuck in the kitchen. My dog Molly. I could hear her barking. I heard it for weeks afterwards. It was like she was screaming." Luke choked on a sob but his eyes were glazed now, faraway. "I tried to save her," he whispered, shaking as his hands crept up over the burns covering his chest, nails digging in. Ashton pulled his hands down with a muffled sob and it was only when he was cradling them between his own that he realised he'd used his bad hand too. "I got stuck... in the kitchen. The fire got worse. I couldn't breathe..."

" _No_ ," Ashton whispered, even though he knew the blond boy had got out. Even though Luke's story hadn't ended there.

Luke sniffed tearfully and that one little sound felt so insignificant beneath the crushing weight of his grief.

"The fire brigade got there... the ambulance... They got my brothers out. They were shouting to me. They... they needed me to come closer... because the ceiling was... it was caving in..." Luke choked again, like he was still breathing smoke now. "I didn't want to leave Molly," he whispered as he looked at Ashton pleadingly, blue eyes teary like he still needed forgiveness for not saving her.

Ashton cupped Luke's cheek gently with a shaking hand. His scars felt strange against the soft skin of the blond boy's face.

"But I tried to get to them," Luke whispered, eyes falling shut as he leant into the gentle touch. "I just… couldn’t… with the smoke... and I was crying too much...” Luke swallowed, hanging his head as the tears continued to fall. “I just gave up."

"But how did you...?" Ashton's voice was wet, his words trailing away when he suddenly remembered the burns on Michael's face and neck. "Oh my god," Ashton breathed and Luke let out a sob, like he could tell what the younger boy was thinking.

"Mikey turned up," the blond boy whispered, hands shaking hard as Ashton covered them with his good one. "He... he pulled me out... got burnt too..." Luke shuddered but his eyes opened now and the blue looked like flames. "He dragged me outside... right before the... the house came down... My parents… they died then… and Jack killed himself two months later…"

Luke bit his bottom lip so hard that it almost drew blood and the tears streaming down Ashton’s face were relentless... felt like they were never going to _stop_.

“And now – whenever I see Mikey’s face – or I try to have a fucking _shower_ …” Luke broke off as a sob heaved out of him and Ashton’s heart broke. “I can never _ever_ forget.”

Luke crumpled and Ashton stopped fighting it.

He didn’t care that Luke was bigger than him. He didn’t care that Luke might regret telling him this. He didn’t even care that Luke had _cheated_.

Ashton just pulled Luke into his lap, held him there even though the blond boy was far too gangly to fit because Luke was sobbing like he was falling apart now and Ashton knew he couldn’t let him go.

“Maybe you’re not supposed to forget,” Ashton whispered but his heart was crumbling to pieces in his chest… to shards of glass that were being washed away by the storms in Luke’s eyes. “Maybe you’re just supposed to carry on.”

Luke was sobbing so hard now that he felt like he was coming apart at the seams and Ashton held him tightly, determined to pick up the pieces.

“Lukey, you're still here... still fighting,” Ashton murmured uselessly, rubbing gentle circles into the bare skin of the older boy’s back as he held him, stopping his sobs from tearing him apart. Everywhere Ashton touched, he could feel scars. Ashton's eyes were burning as he pressed a gentle kiss to the blond boy’s shoulder. “You’re not on your own anymore. I’ve got you. I _promise_.”

Luke wasn’t pushing Ashton away anymore.

Something had changed… maybe for the better.

Ashton couldn’t swallow past the lump rising in his throat now but that was okay because at least Luke knew he cared. At least Ashton hadn’t _lost_ him.

That was unthinkable.

“I’m never leaving you,” Luke promised but he was still sobbing, his tears soaking the front of Ashton’s shirt as the younger boy cuddled him closer. Luke’s overheated forehead was resting on Ashton’s shoulder now but he looked up when the curly-haired boy’s sore hand fluttered up to cup his cheek again.

“Ash,” Luke breathed and Ashton’s sob died in his throat as his free arm wrapped warmly around Luke’s waist, holding him there.

“I’ve got you,” Ashton repeated shakily.

When his lips met Luke’s, it felt like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos <3


	13. Silver Lining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken me so long to update. I'm just quite down at the moment and writing is hard. I hope you guys will still enjoy this though.

The weather grew gradually warmer over the next few weeks but it was raining when Friday rolled around, a light drizzle drifting down like a mist as Ashton and Calum sat huddled on the steps behind the staffroom, sheltering under the overhang of the roof. This was the safest place to sit if they didn’t want the bullies to find them – barely anyone came round here.

The pair of them sat with their backs pressed to the damp brick of the building, legs stretched out in front of them. The clouds overhead were grey, the rain starting to come down in sheets now. The field was deserted, the grass looking damp and sorry for itself. A crisp packet blew past on the breeze.

“Dreary day,” the older boy commented, drawing his knees up to his chest and holding them there with one arm wrapped loosely around his legs. Calum shifted closer beside him, head falling to rest on the smaller boy’s shoulder so that his fluffy curls tickled Ashton’s cheek.

“I like it,” Calum said quietly. “The rain makes everything feel clean.”

Ashton shrugged in response, accidentally knocking the younger boy’s head and sniggering when Calum looked up at him with mock outrage.

“Silly,” Ashton muttered, poking Calum lightly on the nose. The younger boy smiled despite himself, full lips tugging up as his expression softened. A comfortable silence stretched between them as Calum settled back down again, tucking his head away as Ashton’s free arm slipped around his shoulders.

“It’s like it used to be,” Calum said suddenly, voice soft in the quiet. Ashton looked up at him curiously, honey-coloured curls tumbling across his forehead, the tiny shadow of a bruise on his jaw where he’d been shoved again.

“What is?” he asked softly. Calum smiled weakly, hand falling to curl comfortingly around his best friend’s ankle.

“This,” Calum said, jerking his thumb between them. “Us. It’s like it used to be before Harry moved here… before we met Mikey and Luke, y’know?”

Harry had snuck out to meet up with Louis today and Michael was working on a science project in the classroom, and Luke was being quiet at the moment – preoccupied and sad although he insisted he was fine. Ashton gave a half-hearted shrug as his teeth sank into his bottom lip, trying not to think dramatic things about how the weather was a metaphor for his mood.

“It’s like it was before,” Calum repeated softly but Ashton’s hazel eyes settled on his scarred hand and he wasn’t so sure.

The silence stretched between them.

“Mikey told me he loved me again yesterday,” the dark-haired boy said suddenly, his tone faintly apologetic. His expression was dazed when Ashton dragged his gaze up. “I thought he hadn’t meant it before… heat of the moment, you know?” Calum’s cheeks coloured when Ashton winked stupidly at him. The younger boy’s face remained soft though. “Has Luke ever…?” Calum’s voice trailed away leadingly and Ashton shrugged, expression darkening a little as he buried his head in his knees so that his voice came out muffled.

“Yeah,” the younger boy breathed, biting his lip hard. “That night when he… y’know…” Calum patted Ashton’s ankle reassuringly and the older boy raised his head, cheeks slowly staining red as he held his best friend’s gaze.

“I’m going to take Luke back,” Ashton said quietly, all the while fighting nervous laughter because it was insane that he was even in this position in the first place. “He keeps calling me boyfriend by mistake… and then he gets all sad-looking and it feels like someone’s kicked me in the stomach.”

“Because you love him too,” Calum guessed but Ashton pressed his lips together hard, trying not to think about that.

“I’m taking him back,” he repeated, hazel eyes damp behind his glasses as he stared straight ahead at the rain hammering down. “I’m going to tell him tonight.”

“I’m happy for you,” Calum said softly and Ashton jerked his head round in surprise, watching as a stray raindrop rolled down Calum’s soft face. He smiled and, beneath his slightly worried expression, there was a sincerity in his face that Ashton didn’t usually see. “I don’t think Luke’s ever going to do anything to hurt you again. Not on purpose at least. Any fool can see that.”

Ashton’s cheeks heated but he managed a weak smile all the same.

“I think that would mean a lot to him,” the older boy said at last. “To hear you say that.”

Calum looked at Ashton for a long time as the breeze blew the rain into their shelter, chilling them both.

“When did you grow up?” Calum teased and Ashton smiled faintly as the light in his heart sputtered out. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was the pain on Luke’s face.

“When did you notice?” Ashton countered.

They spent the rest of their break sitting in silence.

*

Ashton and Calum left school together alone too, rolling their eyes when they realised Harry had never shown up again. Clearly, he’d been having much too great a time with Louis.

“– and I don’t think we even want to know what they’ve been up to,” Calum said, wrinkling his nose as he tried not to laugh. Ashton smirked, miming something crude that probably would have made Harry smack him round the head.

The coffee shop was just up ahead and Calum fell silent when it came into view, glancing over and frowning when he saw Ashton’s cheeks flaming with embarrassment. Ashton’s sore hand was getting better now – Calum had seen him writing by hand the other day, albeit messily – and that was why the younger boy wasn’t more wary when he hesitantly curled their fingers together.

Ashton looked up at him in surprise, his unease forgotten as he gave Calum’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“It’s okay that you don’t want to go back there yet,” the younger boy said softly, gaze fixed on Ashton as they walked down the street. Through the misted glass, Ashton could just make out Louis and Ashley standing behind the counter. The curly-haired boy's face crumpled.

“It’s okay, Ash. I _promise_ it is,” Calum repeated. “No one’s judging you. You got hurt in there and that’s a perfectly acceptable reason to never want to go back.” Calum shrugged when Ashton looked up at him with watery eyes. “So what if you never work in there again?”

Ashton hunched his shoulders, drying his tears fiercely with the sleeve of his jumper. He’d tried to work a shift in the coffee shop the week before but, in the end, Louis had gently suggested that maybe it was time to let him go. He’d been worried about putting too much strain on Ashton, what with his anxiety and injuries. Ashton could barely look Louis in the face now.

He was too ashamed.

“It doesn’t mean you can never see Louis and Ashley again,” Calum continued calmly, still holding the older boy’s hand. “It doesn’t mean you’re not going to find another job to pay for college.”

“I don’t think I even want to _go_ to college,” Ashton mumbled and Calum’s chocolate brown eyes crinkled as he gave Ashton a relieved smile.

“There you go then,” the younger boy teased. His fingers were still entwined with Ashton’s. “Silver lining.”

“Doesn’t this bother you?” Ashton mumbled, his burnt hand twitching in Calum’s grip before he looked abruptly mortified. “Shit, sorry. That was really stupid –”

Calum just shook his head calmly.

“It doesn’t bother me at all,” he said, shrugging weakly. “That right there is your body trying to heal itself.” Calum rubbed the pad of his thumb lightly over the back of Ashton’s sore hand. “What’s there to be bothered about?”

Ashton’s cheeks heated but he managed a small smile anyway, holding Calum’s hand tighter.

“Mike’s lucky to have you. So am I,” he said and the dark-haired boy didn’t comment. Ashton shook his head wearily, his expression downcast. “I don’t know why I said that anyway. It was stupid. Luke’s don’t bother me so I don’t know why I –”

“Luke’s?” Calum was looking at his best friend with that same worried curiosity that Ashton himself had worn during his date with Luke after he’d first discovered the blond boy was burnt. “What are you talking about?”

Ashton’s hazel eyes widened and Calum gripped his hand tighter almost instinctively. The older boy was pleased to discover that it barely hurt at all now.

“Cal…” Ashton spoke slowly, his tone hesitant as he watched his best friend warily. “Don’t you know how Michael burnt his face?”

Calum paled.

“Kind of.” The dark-haired boy was watching Ashton with wide eyes now, hand trembling faintly around Ashton’s. “He just said there was a house fire –” Calum faltered for a moment and Ashton heard him swallowing audibly past the lump rising in his throat. “– and that he had to go back in to save something important.”

Ashton’s eyes swam with tears.

“It was Luke,” he whispered and the pained realisation dawning on Calum’s face _hurt_. “Michael went back to save Luke.”

*

They walked along in silence after that but Calum’s shaking hands were buried in his pockets now and Ashton’s arms were folded loosely across his chest. It felt strange to see the shudders tearing through Calum’s narrow frame as he fought not to sob again because Ashton knew _exactly_ how that felt. He’d experienced it that night in his bedroom with Luke as the blond boy fell apart in his arms.

“Michael’s a good guy,” Ashton said softly when Calum finally managed to pull himself together, jaw set and eyelashes spiky with tears. The dark-haired boy managed a weak smile.

“So is Luke,” Calum said, voice still thick from crying. “Mikey wouldn’t be best friends with him if he wasn’t.”

It had stopped raining but Ashton’s curls were flyaway from where they’d got damp earlier. He smiled faintly as he linked arms with Calum, burying his own hands in his pockets too. That was also pain-free and it calmed something inside him.

“What time did Mike say to get to his again?” Ashton asked. They were going over to the blue-haired boy’s house for pizza tonight and Luke had mentioned that he might come along too if he had time. Ashton didn’t like how hesitant the blond boy had seemed, like he wasn’t even sure if they wanted him there.

“We still have half an hour,” Calum said but he was watching Ashton carefully. “Do you want to go and pick Luke up from his place?” the younger boy asked, like he knew what Ashton was thinking. “At least that way we know he’ll turn up.”

“Good idea,” Ashton said, the relief plain on his face. They crossed the street together, starting in the direction of Luke’s estate. Neither of them had been there before but Michael had texted Ashton the address the other day after the curly-haired boy had asked him for it. He was trying not to dwell on the fact that Michael had insisted he never went there alone.

As the pair of them walked deeper into the estate, it soon became clear why that was.

The streets were mostly deserted, the shopfronts covered with metal bars. The shattered windows of the empty shops they were passing had been boarded up but the broken glass crunched beneath their feet like shards of diamond as they walked along beneath the darkening sky.

There was a dog barking in the distance, the low revving sound of a motorbike hidden behind a row of dilapidated houses. Ashton shivered, shying closer to Calum as the dark-haired boy fiddled nervously with his collar. An empty can rolled across the road in a light breeze. The hairs on the back of Ashton’s neck were rising.

“Luke lives up that way,” Ashton breathed, finger twitching in the right direction as the street name came into sight, matching the one in Michael’s text. Ashton couldn’t help but think about how _different_ this neighbourhood was to his.

There was no Oogie Boogie tree around here. There was just broken glass and anxiety burning like wildfire in his chest.

“Am I the only one who feels like he’s about to get stabbed?” Calum asked and Ashton laughed hysterically, immediately clapping his hands over his mouth when a stray cat emerged from an alley nearby, startling them both.

“I almost wet myself,” Ashton said weakly, giving the scrawny ginger cat an accusing look. Calum laughed but his eyes were too wide... _wild_ almost.

“Let’s not stay here for too long,” the younger boy said quietly.

They turned down Luke’s road and Ashton felt his heart sink in his chest. It was even worse than he’d imagined.

The houses were tiny and cramped together, looking like they were about to crumple. The cars lining the streets were all old, sporting cracked windows and key scratches running down the doors. One looked like it had been set on fire and Ashton shuddered as he checked the text again, squinting as he shoved his glasses back up his nose.

“Luke lives at number thirty seven,” Ashton said, peering down the long straight road as the dark clouds churned overhead. Calum gulped when they both smelt the faint scent of smoke at the same time, saw it coiling up into the air in the distance.

“Probably a bonfire,” Ashton said.

“Right...” Calum stared at it uncertainly with wide eyes before he dragged his gaze away. There was more broken glass scattered around here too and, perhaps stupidly, Ashton worried about the pets and children that lived in the neighbourhood.

They were probably harder than him though. Maybe broken glass didn’t bother them.

“There’s a serial killer van over there,” Calum said suddenly, pointing towards a white van abandoned in someone’s unkempt front garden nearby. Movement flickered behind the net curtains and Ashton’s eyes widened as the butterflies in his stomach battered harder.

“Shut up,” Ashton hissed, elbowing his best friend lightly in the ribs. “Luke’s house is just up here.”

They walked the last stretch of road in silence, arms still linked beneath the grey sky.

Luke’s house looked just like the rest on the estate did: dirty and old, and pretty close to falling down. Ashton couldn’t imagine someone as beautiful as Luke living here. It didn’t make sense.

There was a tiny rickety-looking fence separating the scrubland that passed as Luke's front garden from the one beside it and Ashton almost whimpered when he glanced next door, eyes immediately locking on a run-down kennel housing a monstrous-looking dog.

“I don’t like it here,” Ashton said quietly. Calum shrugged, squaring his shoulders as he tried to make himself bigger than he was.

“There’s a puppy,” Calum said, pointing to the kennel. He moved closer, peering into the shadows before he swallowed audibly, shying away when he saw the dog sleeping inside. “Oh,” the younger boy said softly, pressing closer into Ashton’s side. “My mistake. It's the Hound of the Baskervilles instead. Let’s just be _really_ quiet.”

"Do you ever stop talking?" Ashton snapped but his eyes were helpless and the dark-haired boy gave a nervous shrug, biting his full bottom lip hard.

“After you,” Calum mumbled and Ashton scowled at him weakly as he looked unwillingly towards the house, taking in the weeds creeping around the edge of the pathway and escaping through the cracks in the stones covering the narrow driveway; they were the prickly kind that threatened to scratch at Ashton’s ankles as he passed, leading a nervous Calum along by the hand.

Maybe this had been a bad idea.

“I hope he’s home,” the dark-haired boy said suddenly when they stopped on Luke’s front step. The stone was scuffed under their feet and Ashton looked up at Calum in alarm, having not actually considered that idea up until now. The younger boy just shrugged, gesturing towards the door. They both winced when Ashton raised his good hand to knock, glancing nervously towards the dog in case it woke up.

There was no answer and Ashton felt something a lot like dread unfurling in his chest. He fought down against his panic, knocking louder. This time there was a muffled shout from inside the house and the dog stirred beside them. Ashton stepped back hurriedly when he heard stamping footsteps approaching.

The door was opened sharply and Ashton bit his lip as the stranger looked at them both in angry confusion. Ashton knew he was looking at Ben Hemmings; he could see the resemblances already in his broad shoulders and blond hair. There was something about his face too – flushed with anger and rounder than Luke’s but still similar.

It made Ashton's heart ache to see someone so much like Luke in this state.

“What do you want?” Ben demanded, his words slightly slurred like he’d been drinking. Ashton shuddered as he thought of all the times Luke had expertly skirted around talking about his brother. He’d never said Ben was an angry drunk but suddenly things were starting to make a lot more sense.

“I –” Ashton faltered at the blue fire burning in Ben’s eyes and Calum stepped forward warily.

“We’re looking for Luke,” he said, voice softer than usual, dark eyes cautious. “Is he in?”

Some of the fight leaked out of Ben’s shoulders and he sighed as he slumped back against the doorframe. It was dark inside the house and it smelt faintly unclean.

“Haven’t seen him,” Ben said at last. “He hasn’t been home in a few days. Had an argument with me and walked out, see? Just like always. Except _this_ time he doesn’t come back.”

“Do you have any idea where he might have gone?” Calum asked weakly but Ashton’s thoughts were a roar inside his head now as the panic tightened around his heart, making him cling to his best friend in an effort to stay upright. Ashton's head was _reeling_ because… god, Luke hadn’t even _mentioned_ leaving or arguing with his brother.

“Fuck knows,” Ben said, hands curling into fists. “Now get out of here before you wake that fucking dog up.” He slammed the door shut hard and, right on cue, they heard a low growl coming from beside them.

Ashton and Calum froze before, as one, they tore out of the front garden. The dog barked in its kennel, the chain tethering it clanking as it tried to surge after them, only to be pulled back jerkily before it could clear the fence.

Calum and Ashton were already sprinting off down the middle of the road by that point, stitches burning in their sides as Ashton had the vague thought that running from a dog in any other situation would actually be a really bad idea.

It was only when they reached the line of shops with their boarded-up windows and broken glass that the pair of them finally stopped running. Calum doubled over with a gasp, clutching his side as he struggled to get his breath back. Ashton leant heavily against a nearby lamppost, well on the way to a panic attack as a sharp pain stabbed in his side when he tried to draw in air.

His breath caught painfully in his throat and Calum looked up at him with wide eyes, his exhausted expression immediately becoming worried.

“Ashy, it’s okay,” Calum lied immediately, pulling the smaller boy into a hug. Ashton’s hands fisted the back of Calum’s jumper hard and he rasped in a breath, eyes prickling with tears, chest tight with panic.

“Liar,” Ashton said breathlessly as the tears boiled over. “Where’s Luke? What if he doesn’t –”

“He’d never leave without telling you,” Calum said gently, brushing Ashton’s curls back from his sweaty forehead as the smaller boy looked up at him with wet eyes, glasses askew on his face. “You _know_ he wouldn’t, Ash. He cares too much about you.”

“Then where _is_ he?” Ashton asked raggedly, seconds away from bursting into tears again.

“Just calm down, Ash. We’ll find him,” Calum promised soothingly, apparently trying _hard_ to hide how frantic he felt as he cuddled the curly-haired boy tightly. “Let’s go to Mikey’s now, okay? Then we can drive around looking for Luke. We’ll find him.”

*

Much to their relief, Calum’s plan proved unnecessary in the end.

The pair of them were just walking down the road towards Michael’s house – both of them bedraggled and soaked through with the rain that was beginning to fall again – when a motorbike roared past them down the road, kicking up a spray from the puddles.

Calum cursed when he saw a familiar head of blond hair and a stupidly dangerous lack of helmet but a still-tearful Ashton was already running down the road, fingers locked securely with Calum’s as he towed his best friend along.

They reached Michael’s house just as Luke was climbing off the motorbike, soaked to the skin and shivering as he looked up in alarm at the sound of their running footsteps. Luke’s pale pinched face softened as Ashton collided with him, narrow arms wrapping tightly around the older boy’s waist. Calum hurried over to the front door, ringing the bell and breathing a sigh of relief when Michael appeared, looking vaguely bemused at the scene playing out in his driveway.

“Why weren’t you wearing a helmet? That’s dangerous, you stupid idiot! Didn’t you learn anything that night we first met?!” Ashton yelled as he gave Luke’s chest a weak thump before melting back into the hug again. “You’re so annoying! I was so scared!”

“Scared?” Luke looked confused as he carded his fingers gently through the younger boy’s soft curls, easing out the tangles. Luke’s expression became alarmed when Ashton gave a muffled sob.

“Me and Cal went to your house! But you were gone! And your brother said you hadn’t been home in _days_!”

“You went to my house?” Luke asked, paling further as his eyes widened. He looked up at Michael with what could only be described as betrayal but the blue-haired boy was staring at him with worried eyes now.

“Wait, what does he mean you haven’t been home in days? Where’ve you been, Luke?” Michael demanded but the blond boy was shivering harder now, as were Calum and Ashton. The cold breeze had picked up and Michael’s expression immediately became chagrined as he stepped back, opening the door wider. “Get in here, all of you. You’ll freeze out there tonight.”

The four of them stood awkwardly in the narrow hallway once the door was shut, trying to be quiet because Michael’s parents were finishing their dinner in the living room. Ashton had lost his appetite now but his heart was pounding in his chest as he clung to Luke’s side, relaxing fractionally when the older boy’s arm wrapped around his waist.

“Right, I don’t know what the hell has been going on but we’re getting answers,” Michael said firmly, assuming his role of oldest in the group. “Luke, where have you been if you weren’t at home?”

“The library,” the blond boy said immediately and all three of them gawped at him.

“The library?” Michael asked blankly, blue hair messy as Calum plastered himself to his boyfriend's side. Michael's arm slipped warmly around Calum's shoulders. “You seriously expect us to believe that, Luke?” Michael didn’t even sound angry, just disappointed.

Luke flinched but his eyes were steely.

“I’m not lying to you,” the eighteen year old said and there was something raw in his tone that made Ashton think he was telling the truth. “I was charging my phone in there and… and looking at the maps…” His voice trailed away but, when he was met with only silence, Luke exhaled shakily. “I was just looking at a lot of maps and going on the computers and stuff… trying to decide if… _where_ I should go…”

“Go?” the younger boy asked weakly. Ashton’s hazel eyes filled with tears and Luke swallowed audibly past the lump in his throat as he cradled the younger boy’s face gently between his shaking hands.

“I don’t want to keep hurting you,” Luke whispered and a tear slipped down Ashton’s tanned cheek.

“Leaving would hurt me,” the younger boy breathed. “Nothing else matters.”

Luke held Ashton to his chest, eyes squeezed shut against his own tears as Ashton cuddled him tighter. Calum was sad as he watched them but it was nothing compared to the pain in Michael’s eyes.

“What about at night-time, Luke?” the blue-haired boy asked weakly. “Where’ve you been sleeping?”

Ashton raised his tear-stained face, looking up just in time to see Luke shrug carelessly.

“Oh… just around,” the blond boy mumbled. Calum’s eyes widened in shock at the implications of that.

“You mean you’ve been sleeping rough?” Ashton asked weakly, upturned face frightened as he stared at Luke in shock. “But what if you got hurt? What if someone tried to –” Ashton’s voice cracked and he pulled Luke back into his arms again, burying his sob in the blond boy’s chest.

When Luke dragged his gaze away from the younger boy unwillingly, he found Calum and Michael watching him in appalled silence.

“That’s it,” Michael said and his voice was faint now as he gripped Calum’s shoulder in an effort to remain upright. Ashton cuddled Luke tighter. “You’re staying here. With me.”

“Mike, I can’t,” Luke said softly, his voice saturated with so much weariness that it was actually _frightening_. “Your parents –”

“– will agree with me,” the blue-haired boy said immediately, refusing to let Luke finish his sentence. “You’re like a second son to them. They _love_ you, Luke.” Michael reached out to brush his knuckles lightly against the blond boy’s shoulder through his leather jacket. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Okay,” Luke said shakily but his blue eyes were shining brighter with tears now and Calum kind of wanted to cry himself. It was a mark of just how drained Luke must have felt that he didn't make a joke. “Thank you.”

It was quiet in the hallway but Luke’s heart was beating more calmly in his chest now; Ashton could feel it with how close they were. Calum and Michael made themselves scarce to join the blue-haired boy’s parents in the living room, and it felt lonelier when they were gone… but safer too, like maybe the pair of them were all they needed.

Luke sat down heavily at the foot of the stairs, opening his arms hesitantly and breathing a sigh of relief when Ashton sat down on his lap, cuddling the blond boy close. Luke’s lips brushed the bruise on Ashton’s jaw and the curly-haired boy bit back a sob as his arms wound gently around the older boy’s shoulders.

“Why didn’t you tell me, you idiot?” Ashton asked softly and Luke just shrugged, eyes wet as he bit at his lip-ring, teeth pulling at the skin hard enough that he winced. Ashton caught his lips in a kiss, sucking the sting out gently until Luke was soft and pliant beneath him.

“Didn’t want you to worry,” the blond boy mumbled when they finally broke apart, eyes slightly unfocused like his tiredness was catching up with him. Ashton kissed him again, fingers winding through Luke’s soft blond hair as he felt the scar hidden there.

“Too fucking late for that,” the younger boy muttered, kissing the corner of Luke’s mouth gently before he drew away, letting their foreheads fall to rest together. “Wear your damn helmet, okay?” he insisted and, when Luke shrugged half-heartedly before nodding, Ashton felt some of the tension leak out of his shoulders.

“I wasn’t _just_ at the library,” Luke said suddenly and Ashton bit his lip, watching him curiously.

“Oh… then where were you?” the younger boy asked. Privately, Ashton wasn’t sure he actually wanted to know but he was fed up with secrets. All they did was make things worse.

“I decided I’m quitting school but… I don’t want to be like my brother so I… I went round the whole town on my bike… looking for work…” Luke’s eyes were downcast so he didn’t see the slow wonder blooming on Ashton’s tired face. “I found a job… in an _office_.” Luke pulled a face and Ashton’s lips twitched despite himself. “And… and I’ll only have to go back home one more time… to get my stuff… my pictures and...”

Luke's voice trailed away but he finally risked raising his head and his cheeks coloured when he saw Ashton looking at him with tears in his eyes.

“I’m so proud of you. Just _tell_ me next time, okay?” Ashton shook his head ruefully when Luke managed a small, wry smile. “Being your boyfriend is the most stressful thing in the world,” the curly-haired boy said, biting his lip when Luke looked up at him in shock. There was hope glittering in his lovely blue eyes now and the beauty of him took Ashton’s breath away.

“ _Boyfriend_?” Luke breathed, looking like he could hardly believe it. “Do you really mean –?”

“Yes,” Ashton said softly, pulling Luke into a gentle hug. The blond boy was shaking against him as he clung to his boyfriend. “I promise.”

Luke’s breath escaped him in a gasp and he cuddled Ashton tightest yet, muscled arms wrapped tightly around him as he dropped a kiss onto the younger boy’s head, smelling of leather and petrichor and cigarette smoke. Ashton never wanted to let go.

“I love you, Ash,” Luke whispered and Ashton let out a tiny sob as he snuggled closer, kissing Luke's jaw. “I love you so, _so_ much.”

This time Ashton knew he meant it.

*

Calum slept over at Michael’s house that night. Since Luke was sleeping in the spare room – exhausted now since he’d insisted on walking Ashton home before returning – Calum had finally been allowed to sleep in Michael’s double bed with him without the older boy’s parents complaining.

It was nice sharing a bed with Michael, warm and comfortable as the older boy slung his arm casually across Calum’s waist and the dark-haired boy tangled their legs together beneath the duvet.

Michael was scattering sleepy kisses over Calum’s bare shoulders and the younger boy rolled over to see his boyfriend in the darkness, chocolate brown eyes soft and tired as they shared a pillow.

Michael’s skin was pearly in the darkness but the burns on his cheek looked like pink rose petals. Calum’s fingers were trembling when he reached to stroke his boyfriend's face gently.

“What is it?” Michael murmured, voice soft in the quiet, breath minty from where they’d stood cleaning their teeth together, bumping hips and giggling stupidly as Michael pulled stupid faces into the mirror to cheer his boyfriend up.

“Ashton told me how you burnt your face,” Calum whispered as a lump rose in his throat. “Luke told him and… god, Mikey, you’re so brave. I’m so proud of you.”

Michael’s mouth dropped open in shock. He looked upset, his green eyes gleaming wetly in the darkness. Calum’s dark eyes filled with tears and he pulled Michael into a tight hug, arms unbreakable around his boyfriend as he tucked his face away into the older boy’s burnt neck, kissing the skin there. Michael shivered as he clung to Calum, biting back the whine rising in his throat.

” _Cal_ ,” Michael said desperately and the younger boy smiled.

“I love you, Mikey,” the dark-haired boy said in between kisses, full lips dragging hot over the sensitive skin, teeth grazing as Michael melted beneath him. “I love you so much.”

The blue-haired boy whimpered, hands gripping Calum’s hips clumsily like his head was spinning as the young boy began to grind down against him, making them both moan softly. Calum blinked his tears away, smiling through the darkness as he kissed Michael’s mouth, quietening him.

“I’m never going to stop loving you,” Calum murmured as his hands slipped beneath the older boy’s t-shirt to stroke his soft tummy, making him shudder. “Not ever, Mikey. I swear it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought <3  
> Again, I'm really sorry for the wait.


	14. Celebrating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so _so_ sorry I took so long to update.  
>  I just didn't want to force writing this when I wasn't feeling it.  
> I really hope you guys will enjoy this though! I'm gonna try not to leave it so long next time <3

Everything felt so much easier when Luke was staying at his best friend’s house.

Michael kept him from feeling guilty like Ben did, Calum made him laugh, and Michael’s parents had always liked having Luke around; that combined with Ashton taking him back made Luke feel stupid for even entertaining the thought of leaving them all behind. He loved his friends too much. Giving up that would be stupid.

One of the best bits about staying there was that Michael’s parents were fine about Ashton coming round too, although Karen _did_ insist that they keep the bedroom door open, much to Luke’s chagrin. Michael gave him a sympathetic look though and Calum giggled into his boyfriend’s neck when Luke mentioned it after school so the blond boy figured they probably shared his pain.

The four of them were going to a party tonight at Ashley’s house though which might finally give them an excuse for some much needed alone time.

Ashton and Calum had never been to a party before – the curly-haired boy had confessed this to Luke the evening before – and Luke wasn’t blind; he could see the tension in Ashton’s shoulders as the four of them sat eating a takeaway pizza at Michael’s kitchen table, even as Ashton’s foot jiggled with excitement under the table, bumping against the blond boy’s leg.

“Do you think it’ll be fun?” Ashton asked in a small voice, pushing his glasses back up his nose and blushing when Calum leant forwards with a napkin to dab some tomato sauce from the corner of his best friend’s mouth.

It was a Friday evening and Luke savoured his mouthful of pepperoni thoughtfully, laying his (probably slightly greasy) hand over Ashton’s as the younger boy looked at him with wide hazel eyes.

“That’s the whole point of a party, sweetheart,” Luke said.

*

The sun was already beginning to set and Calum looked nervous too as he sat tucked beneath Michael’s arm.

They’d have to leave soon if they were going to get there in time, not that Luke was too worried about that. He figured turning up late couldn’t make Ashley hate him anymore than she already did so it wasn’t a big deal. All Luke cared about was relaxing and having fun with Ashton in an environment where the younger boy didn’t have to worry about any of the bullies from his school being there; it would mostly be people from Ashley’s university instead.

As they approached the house half an hour later though, Luke felt the first flutterings of nervousness in his chest because he was growing kind of wary at the prospect of spending all evening in Ashley’s territory. It didn’t matter _how_ much she seemed to unwillingly warm to him whenever he saw her now. She still terrified him slightly and Luke figured that was probably exactly the way she preferred things.

They could hear the music pounding when they turned onto her road and Luke tried not to sneer when he saw how nice the houses were there. He hadn’t judged Ashton for having more money than him so it wasn’t exactly fair for him to view Ashley different either.

“How busy do you think it’s gonna be?” Calum asked quietly when they grew close enough to see the press of bodies through the window, shadowy and mysterious as the sky grew darker overhead, casting the world in shade.

“It’ll be okay,” Michael promised, dropping a kiss onto the top of his boyfriend’s head as he slung his arm around Calum’s waist. “I doubt it’ll be that busy anyway but, even if it is, there’s always somewhere quieter you can go.”

“Like the garden,” Ashton interjected hopefully and Luke smiled, kissing his forehead gently.

“Definitely,” Michael agreed. “And we don’t have to stay if you guys aren’t enjoying it anyway, okay? It’s totally up to you and Ash.”

Calum exchanged a relieved look with Ashton, cheeks heating slightly, and Luke relaxed as he gave Ashton’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s going to be _fun_ ,” Luke promised as the four of them stopped at the end of the driveway. Ashton stretched up on his tiptoes to wrap his arms around Luke’s broad shoulders and the older boy kissed the nervousness from his boyfriend’s face, his fingers comfortingly stroking the back of Ashton’s neck. “You’ll see.”

*

Ashton barely knew anyone at the party; only Ashley, Louis and Harry, and obviously Luke, Calum and Michael too. The house was packed though and the garden wasn’t much better but unsurprisingly it wasn’t bothering Ashton too much (although this might potentially have been thanks to all the alcohol).

Ashton had never been in a situation like this before and he’d _definitely_ never been drunk before but he supposed there was a first time for everything.

The bass pounding through the house felt like it was rattling his bones but Luke’s hand was entwined tightly with his and he was bobbing his head to the music, honey-coloured curls tumbling forwards so that Luke had to brush them back, carefully righting his boyfriend’s crooked glasses as he did so.

Ashton beamed up at him, jostled forwards by the crowd so that his chest pressed against Luke’s. The blond boy’s arms came around his waist and Ashton smiled languidly, dimples creasing his cheeks, tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“I love you,” Luke said quietly, lips brushing Ashton’s cheek as he leant down to tell him. Ashton held on tighter, head spinning faintly as he tasted the alcohol lingering on his tongue.

“We’re celebrating,” the younger boy said in response, clinging to Luke’s front. When the blond boy looked confused, the sixteen year old elaborated, the drunken slur in his voice almost unnoticeable beneath the din in the room as he got knocked closer.

“We’re celebrating you not leaving,” Ashton said sincerely, hazel eyes fluttering shut when Luke held him closer. “We’re celebrating _us_.”

“I love you,” Luke repeated, voice thick now. Ashton’s cheeks were red and Luke was getting too hot in here. “You want to get some air, sweetheart?”

Ashton considered this before he nodded jerkily, giving Luke’s hand a comforting squeeze with his scarred fingers as the older boy started to lead him through the crowd. Luke hesitated when he saw Michael in the doorway, arm wrapped tightly around a teary-eyed Calum who didn’t seem to be having that great a time. Luke’s expression became sympathetic when Michael mouthed that they were leaving but would see him later and Luke turned to relay this information to Ashton when he realised that the younger boy was gone.

“Oh,” Luke said out loud, frowning as he twisted, elbowing his way through the drunken people dancing around him as he searched. “Where’d you go?” Luke muttered before his eyes settled on Ashton.

Luke’s heart rose into his throat.

The younger boy was backed up against a wall on the other side of the room by an older guy, hazel eyes wide behind his glasses, face all pale and scared-looking. Luke felt something go cold inside him as he started to shoulder through the crowd with renewed vigour because his boyfriend needed him and _damnit_ , none of these idiots would get out of the way!

The guy looked even drunker than _Ashton_ was but the sixteen year old was unsteady on his feet and he was _small_ too; Luke didn’t think he’d be able to get away on his own.

Once again, Ashton surprised him.

Luke watched with his blood boiling in his veins as the guy leant in to whisper something in Ashton’s ear. The younger boy wriggled away though, cheeks flaming now as he looked vaguely affronted at whatever the guy had said. Luke sped up, ignoring someone swearing at him when he barged straight into them because couldn’t they see that Ashton _needed_ him?!

The guy pressed even closer and Luke had barely had time to do much more than shout out angrily when Ashton caught the guy across the face, palm open and an angry look in his eye as the older guy reeled back with a muffled curse.

Luke resisted the urge to cheer Ashton on – maybe he was drunker than he gave himself credit for – but then Ashley appeared on Ashton’s other side, swore at the guy abusively (so perhaps he was someone she hadn’t actually wanted to come along), and Ashton used the distraction as an opportunity to launch himself into Luke’s waiting arms.

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry I couldn’t get there,” the blond boy said brokenly, cupping Ashton’s face as he peered into the younger boy’s eyes carefully. “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you?”

“I’m fine,” Ashton promised but he seemed wobbly when Luke slipped his arm gently around his boyfriend’s waist. “Lukey, can we go? I kinda…” He hiccupped and Luke dropped a kiss onto his nose. “Can we go to my house?”

“Of course, Ashy,” Luke said quietly, glaring in the general direction of where Ashton had been pressed against the wall before he held his boyfriend closer to his side, leading him out into the night. “I’ll keep you safe now. I promise.”

*

Once they were out in the cold evening air, Ashton seemed even gigglier to Luke’s ears. It was like the breeze was making him feel drunker and he seemed dizzy as he clung to Luke, curls tickling the older boy’s chin as he sucked kisses into Luke’s neck.

The blond boy swallowed, stepping back unwillingly from where they’d paused because Ashton wanted to admire the flowers in the garden they were passing. Ashton pouted when Luke moved back just far enough that he could still steady his boyfriend if necessary.

“What’re you doing, Ashy?” Luke asked weakly and Ashton folded his arms, sticking his tongue out and only cementing that he was way too drunk for whatever he was trying to pursue.

“I wanted to do sex stuff with you,” Ashton said, apparently too drunk to blush any hotter now. Luke spluttered and tried hard to suppress his laughter at the younger boy’s choice of words but his blue eyes remained soft as he reached out to cup Ashton’s cheek gently.

“Not when you’re drunk, sweetheart,” Luke said quietly, rubbing Ashton’s cheekbone gently with his thumb. The younger boy let his pretty hazel eyes flutter shut, eyelashes fanning out on his tanned skin. “Not tonight.”

“But… it was my first party… the first time I –” He hiccupped again. “– the first time I ever got drunk… I thought we could –”

“Not tonight,” Luke repeated but his lips were soft as he pressed a tiny kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth. “I think maybe you’ve had a few too many first times today already, Ash… okay?” Luke waited until Ashton had nodded sullenly before he gave the younger boy a soft smile. “How about we wait ‘til you’re absolutely sure, yeah? I want this to be special.”

Ashton pulled Luke into a gentle hug but he looked calmer now as he looked up at him lovingly, the pride blazing on his beautiful upturned face unmistakeable. Luke’s heart felt like it was melting in his chest.

“You’ve changed,” Ashton said quietly, his voice wonderstruck almost. Luke grinned, dropping kisses onto the younger boy’s dimples.

“Thanks to you,” he said. Ashton looked fragile as he smiled up at his boyfriend and Luke pulled him into a tight hug before he felt the younger boy shivering in his arms. “Are you cold, sweetheart?” Luke asked and Ashton nodded mournfully. The blond boy took his hand again, speeding him up. “Let’s hurry then. I want to get you in the warm.”

*

Anne was waiting up in the living room when they got home and, although she pressed her lips together hard when she saw Luke steadying Ashton, she didn’t do much more than frown.

“Hey, mum,” Ashton said cheerfully, darting forwards to press a big kiss to her cheek. She smiled despite herself, hands rising to flatten his unruly curls as her eyes settled on Luke.

“Are you staying over tonight?” she asked him awkwardly, apparently trying _hard_ to be courteous. Luke’s blue eyes widened in surprise and, although he wanted to, he decided not to push his luck.

“I’m going to head back to Mike’s tonight actually, but thank you,” Luke said quietly, trying to interject as much gratitude into his voice as possible. “That’s very kind of you though.”

“That’s quite alright,” Anne said, looking a lot more mollified. She glanced down, taking in Ashton’s tired face as he smiled, pulling her into a loose hug. “Do take care getting home then.”

“Don’t go home yet!” Ashton cried out, apparently dismayed as he tripped towards Luke again. Ashton’s glasses were on crooked and Anne looked unhappy. Luke bit his lip.

“How about… how about I just stay downstairs with you for a little while okay? Until like… eleven or something, I don’t know. And then I’ll go back and you can get some sleep?” Luke looked towards Anne hesitantly, taking in the reluctant warmth blossoming in her eyes. “Would that be alright, Anne?”

“That would be fine,” she said quietly, hesitating in the doorway before she stepped out into the hallway. “Well, I’m going to get some sleep now. I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.” She bit her lip as she looked at Ashton, taking in his flushed cheeks and the way he was giggling into Luke’s neck now, still tipsy. “Please make sure he drinks some water before bed, Luke.”

Anne went back upstairs then and Ashton flung himself down onto the sofa, hitting the TV remote and surfing through the channels until he came across Born Free playing. Ashton immediately started cooing at the baby lions, settling down in Luke’s lap like a contented puppy and giggling happily whenever something cute happened onscreen.

Luke liked watching Ashton’s reaction more than he liked the film but, as the night grew darker and Ashton fell asleep curled up against his side, all Luke could think of was that this was the first time Anne had ever spoken to him like he deserved her attention.

Maybe she was finally starting to accept him.

*

They’d got home over an hour ago but Calum still wasn’t calm yet. He was pacing around Michael’s bedroom instead, arms wrapped tightly around himself, face flushed with embarrassment. They could hear the low sound of the television downstairs where Karen and Daryl were watching the news but Michael’s green eyes stayed fixed on his boyfriend, sadness mingling with love as he watched Calum work himself up over nothing.

“Cally, it’s okay,” Michael murmured, burnt face crumpling when Calum let out a frustrated sob, smacking his palm into Michael’s wardrobe so that the door rattled. The older boy’s arms wound hesitantly around the younger boy’s waist and Calum slumped against him, twisting in Michael’s arms and fisting the front of his boyfriend’s shirt in his shaking fists.

“I ruined your evening!” Calum gasped out but it came out distorted around a choked sob. Michael cuddled him closer, swallowing hard past the lump rising in his throat.

“You _are_ my evening,” Michael disagreed, even though it didn’t really make any sense. “You’re my whole _world_ , lovebug.” Calum went limp against him and Michael sank down onto his bed, pulling the younger boy down lightly with him.

“I’m sorry,” Calum mumbled, exhausted now as he wriggled until he was lying on the pillow, nose so close it was brushing Michael’s. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” the blue-haired boy said softly, brushing his lips lightly against Calum’s. “And I love you too.” Michael hesitated, biting his bottom lip. “Do you… do you wanna tell me what happened back there?” he asked softly and Calum gave a jerky shrug, eyes prickling. “I didn’t know you got anxious like that,” Michael said softly, expression downcast. Calum sniffed.

“Neither did I,” he said but his chocolate brown eyes were brimming with fresh tears now. “It was so scary, Mikey. I didn’t know what to –”

Calum broke off with a little choked sob and Michael’s heart felt like it was breaking in his chest as he cuddled his boyfriend close, dropping kisses all over the younger boy’s face.

“I’m sorry you were scared but I promise you’re going to be okay,” Michael breathed, kissing the tears from the younger boy’s face. When Calum’s fingertips brushed his boyfriend’s burnt cheek, Michael almost felt it.

“You’re safe now,” Michael whispered and Calum cupped the scarred skin, surging forwards to press his mouth hot against Michael’s.

“So are you,” the dark-haired boy promised, voice still thick with tears, eyelashes spiky with them as he rubbed his thumb gently over the burn. “I’m never letting you go again.”

The sob that escaped Michael upon hearing that felt almost relieved.

With Calum cradled safely in his arms, Michael figured he had everything he would ever need.

Nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	15. In His Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this one <3  
> I hope you guys enjoy it!

Ever since Ashton and Luke had drunkenly watched Born Free a fortnight before, Ashton had been begging his boyfriend to take him to the zoo so, naturally, Luke had promised. He’d do almost anything to make Ashton happy probably. He’d bleed himself dry.

The day dawned bright and clear, and Luke woke up to the sound of Michael taking an unusually early shower. Luke dragged himself out of bed when he heard the water shut off, throwing on the clothes he was going to wear that day before he barged into the steamy room to clean his teeth.

Michael yelled wordlessly, cheeks flaming as he whipped his damp towel at Luke ineffectually. The blond boy grinned at his best friend in the mirror, not even _trying_ to hold in his laugh.

“Good morning to you too, muffin,” Luke said sweetly once he’d rinsed his mouth clean. Michael rolled his eyes, apparently trying hard not to smile as he stood there in his boxers, looking slightly knackered.

“Don’t start that again!” Michael said heavily but his lips were twitching as he turned away, raising the towel to dry his hair again. Luke smirked when he saw the lovebites staining Michael’s throat.

“Good night?” he asked innocently and Michael gave him a scathing look, even as he glanced fondly towards his bedroom where Calum was apparently still sleeping. “Does Cal _ever_ go home?”

“Shut your face,” Michael said cheerfully as he barged past his best friend. “Or you can make your own toast.”

“Rude,” Luke grinned, waiting on the landing as Michael disappeared silently into his bedroom to grab some clothes. “You know, I’m paying your parents housekeeping money from my salary,” Luke added as they headed downstairs together. “So I figure I deserve at least toast from you.”

“I’ll throw in some scrambled eggs if you stop talking so much,” Michael said but he looked faintly proud now, like the talk of salaries had reminded him of Luke’s job. The blond boy flung his arm around Michael’s waist like he could tell what his best friend was thinking.

“Thank you for being the best friend ever, Mikey,” Luke said, not even joking as he took in the burns on Michael’s face with heated cheeks.

“I guess I could make you bacon too, Lukey,” Michael amended, apparently mollified. “If you bring Calum a sandwich upstairs afterwards. Deal?”

Luke grinned, bumping his knuckles lightly against Michael’s before he headed for the back door, craving his first cigarette of the day.

“Deal."

*

Despite the light breeze, the day was warm and Luke enjoyed the walk to Ashton’s house. The air smelt fresh and clean – like trees and sea salt – and Luke wondered if maybe he should try to stop smoking. He always got like this when he was out and surrounded by nature; he’d gone for these long walks with his parents as a kid and they’d always hated cigarettes.

Maybe it was time for him to finally quit.

Luke was dressed in his usual outfit of Vans, skinny jeans and a lightweight, long-sleeved sweatshirt but Michael’s mum Karen had still insisted on covering him with sun cream before he left the house. It made Luke feel weirdly _loved_ and he was glad he’d decided to walk instead of taking his motorbike (and risking upsetting Anne); he needed the forty minutes to remember how to breathe past the lump rising in his throat.

When Luke finally reached Ashton’s house a few minutes after the time they’d agreed on, he was surprised when Anne opened the door.

“Good morning, Luke,” she said, her expression slightly wary although her tone was cautiously optimistic. “It’s a lovely morning for a walk.” She stepped aside as she spoke, gesturing for Luke to come in. He gave her his most polite smile as he took his shoes off in the hall and she was fighting a smile when he straightened up.

“Ash’s still getting ready,” Anne said apologetically. “Do you want a drink while you wait?”

“A water would be great, thank you,” he said as he followed her down the hallway, relieved at how relaxed the atmosphere between them felt as she passed him a glass and joined him at the table where a mug of cooling tea was sitting.

“Will you two need a lift anywhere once Ash is ready?” Anne asked, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over them. It was quiet in the kitchen; the only sounds were the ticking of the clock on the wall and the bubbles in the sink.

“We’re okay, thank you. We were going to get the bus from town anyway so it isn’t far to walk,” Luke said and Anne nodded in agreement. It was kind of awkward to sit here so quietly and the blond boy raised his glass just for something to do, wincing when it clinked against his teeth.

There was a vase of daffodils on the table and, framed on the wall nearby, a photograph of a much younger Ashton giggling in his mother’s arms as they played in the garden. The present-day Anne was smiling when Luke looked back at her but it made the blond boy sad because he remembered what Ashton had told him that day in the hospital: that his father and Anne’s husband used to _hurt_ them.

Luke was glad they were both safe now, even if thinking about that _did_ kind of make him want to cry.

Anne saw the vulnerability in Luke’s eyes and busied herself by adding another teaspoon of sugar to her tea, keeping her gaze averted while he got himself back under control. He was grateful for that.

“Your house is beautiful,” Luke said once he’d regained control of his voice. “I really like how many plants you have here. It makes it feel cleaner, y’know? Not that your house isn’t clean! Oh my god, that came out wrong… uh –”

“I know what you meant,” Anne said, eyes twinkling now. She smiled without meaning to. “What’s your house like, Luke?”

“Oh,” the blond boy breathed. He thought about his first house for a moment; remembered the cheery yellow walls and his parents’ laughter and Molly the dog… Then Luke thought about where Ben lived now and his face fell. “I don’t like it. I don’t spend much time there anymore.” Luke bit his lip, unsure why he was still talking. “I haven’t been back there in over a month now.”

When he dared to raise his head, Anne was watching him with carefully-suppressed alarm.

“So… you don’t have anywhere to live?” she asked, her voice tight. The concern on her face was flattering. Then again, maybe she was just worrying about who her only child had chosen to associate himself with. With a sinking feeling, Luke felt sure it was the latter.

“I don’t like living with my brother,” the blond boy said quietly, keeping his blue eyes fixed on the table to avoid Anne’s gaze. “I’m staying with Michael at the moment though. I’ve known him for… my whole life basically. His parents have always been really good to me. Living with them is much better than staying with Ben.”

Anne looked sad when Luke risked looking up at her and he realised with a jolt that she’d had no idea about any of this. Never once had Ashton broken his trust.

“It’s lucky you have them then,” Anne said after a long moment, her voice quiet as she warmed her hands on her mug of tea. The sound of running water shut off upstairs so at least Ashton probably wouldn’t be much more than twenty minutes now. Luke frowned down at the table as he bit his bottom lip worriedly. Twenty minutes felt _long_.

“I don’t want to pry but… why don’t you live with your parents? Or some other family member?” Anne asked and Luke felt a curious mixture of emotions ripple through him; sadness at the rush of memories, gratitude that Ashton hadn’t shared his secrets with anyyone, and love… because, whenever he thought about his boyfriend, that was _always_ present.

“My parents died in a house fire,” Luke said after a long moment, glancing up in time to see Anne paling visibly. “And my other brother Jack… he died too… a few months after.” Luke swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I don’t really have anyone else.”

‘ _Apart from Ashton and Calum, and Michael and his family, and Louis and Harry, and maybe even_ Ashley _. Huh, maybe I’m not alone after all._ ’

“Oh god,” Anne said softly, her blue eyes growing wet. “I’m so sorry, Luke. Ashton never said or I wouldn’t have –”

“I’m okay,” Luke said and, for the first time, he meant it. “I have my friends. I’ll be fine.”

“Well… well, I’m glad then,” Anne said weakly, even if she _did_ still look dazed. She seemed to be searching for a subject change if the faint desperation in her eyes was any indication.

“Are… are you working at the moment? Or finishing school?”

“I have a job now. A _real_ one… in an _office_ ,” Luke said, pulling a face and making Anne smile faintly despite herself.

“Do you like it?” she asked and Luke pulled another face.

“I kind of hate it,” he said honestly, thinking about how stressed it made him feel, being that cooped up. He craved adrenaline and release more than almost anything else, but Luke knew it was worth it.

“Then why do you stay there?” Anne asked curiously, tea forgotten now. Luke offered her a wry smile.

“It’s a means to an ends,” he said. “I need this job so I can save up, y’know? I want to be able to look after Ashton the way he _deserves_. I want to make sure I can be there for him if he needs me. I just want to keep him _safe_.”

Luke’s lips tugged up into a tiny smile without his permission as he thought about his boyfriend; his soft hazel eyes and his infectious giggle, and the way he blushed when Luke told him he loved him, too scared to say it back just yet.

Anne was watching Luke when he looked up, her blue eyes soft and surprisingly kind.

“I love your son more than anything, Anne,” Luke said quietly. “And, just so you know, I’m nothing like _him_ – Ashton’s dad, I mean. I’m not going to hurt him. Not ever.”

“He told you about that?” Anne asked in a small voice, even as she smiled a tiny bit, like she could finally relax; content in the knowledge that Luke would do his utmost to take care of her son.

“Yeah, he did but it wasn’t his fault,” the blond boy said quietly. “It was after he got burnt and he was still in hospital. He was pretty out of it on painkillers at the time so I don’t think he knew what he was saying really.” Luke swallowed past the lump in his throat again, glancing up at the photo on the wall again. “I’m really glad you’re both okay,” he said softly.

Ashton’s mum smiled at him.

“Thank you, Luke,” she said, the kindness finally touching her eyes. “And… just so you know, you have my blessing.”

Ashton chose that moment to come thundering downstairs, dressed in jeans and a red t-shirt as his damp hair sprung up into loose curls over his glasses. He looked beyond adorable and the dimples that creased his tanned cheeks made Luke’s heart feel too big for his chest as he rose, opening his arms and huffing out a laugh when Ashton barrelled straight into him, hugging the older boy as tightly as he could.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” the curly-haired boy grinned, drawing back and smiling broadly when he saw Luke gazing down at him lovingly with glitter-soft eyes.

“I _suppose_ I forgive you, sweetheart,” Luke teased, winking because he was _lame_. “I might even buy you a toy lion if we leave in the next ten minutes.”

“I’m ready right now,” Ashton said earnestly, dimples creasing his cheeks as his hazel eyes glittered. Luke brushed his boyfriend’s cheek gently with his knuckles. Anne rose too but her expression was very gentle.

“I packed you both some food,” she said quietly, watching the pair of them with something that looked a lot like fondness. “Sandwiches, crisps, fruit. You don’t have to take them but…” She gestured to a plastic bag sitting on the counter nearby and the blond boy felt something soften inside of him.

“That sounds lovely. Thank you,” Luke said gratefully, making Ashton give him a warm look before he turned to Anne.

“Thanks, mum,” he smiled. “I’m going to bring you a new animal keyring for your car keys, okay?”

“Don’t spend all your money on me,” she said but she looked happy when Ashton stuck his tongue out at her cheekily. Luke’s smile was making his face ache but he was glad the pair of them had finally had a chance to clear the air.

Anne was happy as the boys went out the door together.

*

They had a lovely time at the zoo and Ashton could barely keep the smile off his face on the journey home. He was exhausted thanks to all the excitement but it was warm on the bus with his new toy lion sitting on his lap and the sunlight made Luke look so pretty that Ashton’s heart refused to calm in his chest.

Luke’s bright blue eyes were sparkling and they made the sky outside look dim by comparison. Ashton stroked Luke’s golden hair gently back from his pale forehead and the older boy smiled. He’d rolled his sleeves up at some point during the afternoon and the very bottom of his tattoo was visible now, the thorny stems and the bottommost petals curling out from beneath his sleeve. Ashton brushed it gently with his fingertips, feeling the burns underneath as he traced the roses.

“How’re you liking staying with Michael?” Ashton asked softly, his voice little more than a mumble as his cheek rested against Luke’s shoulder. The older boy’s arm was wrapped around Ashton and the sixteen year old was getting sleepy now, his honey-coloured curls tickling his face as his glasses slid down his nose.

“I like it,” Luke said softly, combing through Ashton’s curls distractedly with his fingers. “It means a lot of late nights, Fifa, and takeaway food. What’s not to love?”

Ashton cracked a smile, his dimples creasing his cheeks as he turned his head, pressing a soft kiss to Luke’s shoulder. There was a fading bruise near Ashton’s hairline that was only visible when he was facing this direction and Luke’s face fell when he saw it.

“What happened there?” he asked weakly although, in his heart, he already knew. “Sweetheart, I thought you said they’d stopped.”

Ashton looked away, his expression downcast although his hand remained fisted in the front of his boyfriend’s sweatshirt. Luke cuddled him closer, brushing his lips over Ashton’s curls.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” the younger boy mumbled, his eyes burning behind his glasses as they sat crookedly on his nose although he tried to convince himself that it was because of how bright the sun was outside. Ashton hadn’t been able to articulate that the bullying was worse than ever now because it felt almost like they were desperate to cram it all in before school finished and they ran out of time… but Ashton was almost free of them now.

He was holding on and focusing on his looming exams instead, and trying _hard_ not to burn out. His nerves were frazzled though and it was only spending time with Luke, Calum, Harry and Michael that kept him from going crazy probably.

“I _always_ worry about you, Ash,” Luke whispered, looking down at his boyfriend’s burnt hand and swallowing audibly past the lump in his throat. Ashton’s eyes were soft and damp when he cupped Luke’s cheek gently, thumbing a tear away.

“That’s why I didn’t tell you,” Ashton said.

*

Anne was out when they got home that evening and Ashton felt the excitement settling in his stomach again when he found a note from her explaining that she wouldn’t be back until ten. Luke appeared behind Ashton as the younger boy read it, his arms winding around the smaller boy’s waist as his chin settled on Ashton’s shoulder.

“House to ourselves?” Luke asked, dropping a kiss onto the younger boy’s neck. Ashton shivered, letting the paper flutter back down onto the table as he twisted in Luke’s arms.

“Yeah,” Ashton said breathlessly, eyes dark as Luke backed him slowly up against the counter. “Did you maybe wanna –”

Luke hesitated, watching his boyfriend carefully as Ashton’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, his pupils blown.

“Sweetheart, we don’t have to –”

“I want to,” Ashton whispered, his hand falling so that he could tangle his long fingers with Luke’s. The blond boy’s cheeks were red and Ashton tilted his head to the side curiously, gazing up at him. “Don’t you?”

Luke blustered, cheeks colouring more as he dropped a kiss onto Ashton’s lips.

“Of course I do!” Luke said and they were both smiling now, unwillingly, like they hadn’t quite given themselves permission. “I just don’t want you to feel pressured to do this if you’re not sure –”

“But I _am_ sure,” Ashton promised, his voice small but serious. He cracked a nervous smile and Luke’s heart melted in his chest. “I wanna go all the way with you, Lukey.”

Luke’s breath stuttered out of him when Ashton’s hands settled warm on his hips and the kiss the younger boy pressed to his boyfriend's lips felt as easy as breathing. When Luke drew back a short distance, he was rewarded with Ashton stretching up on his tiptoes as he chased his lips.

“Wanna make love, sweetheart? Yeah?” Luke’s eyes were dark when Ashton’s arms wound around his broad shoulders and the younger boy squeaked when Luke lifted him up, hands firm and secure on the younger boy’s thighs as he kept him safe.

“Yes!” Ashton insisted but he was kind of giggling now, blushing into Luke’s neck as the older boy carried him towards the stairs. Luke felt warm and safe against him, and Ashton had never been more certain of anything, _especially_ when Luke hesitated once he had sat Ashton on the bed and asked again if he was certain.

“I am,” Ashton promised, his voice soft and gentle. “I promise you I am, Lukey. I want this so bad. I want _you_.”

Luke struggled out of his sweatshirt uncertainly but Ashton thought the scars on his skin just made him look _more_ beautiful because they showed how strong he must have been to survive something so terrible.

Ashton traced the roses with his fingertips again and Luke gasped, his beautiful blue eyes wide and dazed as Ashton ducked his head to trail kisses across the creamy skin of his broad shoulders.

“I’m never going to let you get hurt again,” Ashton whispered and Luke’s smile lit up his whole face as he cradled Ashton’s scarred hand gently, kissing his knuckles.

“Me neither,” Luke promised, giggling when Ashton struggled out of his shirt and knocked his glasses askew. Luke righted them for him and Ashton smiled, dimples creasing his blushing cheeks as he knelt up to kiss Luke softly.

When the pair of them finally sank down onto the bed together, Ashton felt more loved than he ever had in his life and he knew he would never forget this evening. (Luke wouldn’t either.)

Ashton hoped he never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :)  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos <3


	16. Perfectly Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kori, I hope I did good!
> 
> Fingers crossed you guys all enjoy this update! :)  
> It felt like a long time coming honestly. (I tried so hard not to make a shitty joke then but in the end I was too weak.)

The sheets were soft against Ashton’s bare skin and Luke was a comforting weight as he settled warmly over him. The sun was setting in the sky outside and, as the fiery rays turned Luke’s soft blond hair to burnished gold between his boyfriend’s fingers, Ashton realised with a vague jolt of shock that he didn’t feel like a little kid anymore.

Luke drew back when he felt the younger boy tense up, his lips swollen from where he’d been kissing down Ashton’s throat, his blue eyes soft with love and concern.

“Sweetheart?” Luke asked gently. “Are you okay? We can stop if you want to. I promise.”

“Stop that,” Ashton smiled, poking Luke lightly on the nose. His dimples creased his tanned cheeks and Luke relaxed against him as the smaller boy’s hands settled warm on his waist. “I was just thinking about how different things feel now.” Luke stroked Ashton’s honey-coloured curls back gently from his forehead and the younger boy hummed contentedly, lips tugging up further. “We’re my favourite thing in the world.”

Luke’s blue eyes crinkled when he smiled and the absolute beauty of him took Ashton’s breath away.

“I love you,” Luke whispered and Ashton almost said it back, hazel eyes widening with surprise and contentment. The blond boy could see in Ashton’s face that he felt the same way and, fighting down a smile, Luke caught Ashton’s mouth in a gentle kiss again, sucking lightly on his bottom lip until the younger boy pulled away with a tiny moan, pupils blown.

“You liked that?” Luke asked innocently and Ashton stuck his tongue out, shoving him just hard enough that Luke accidentally-on-purpose fell down on top of him. Ashton giggled as his hands stroked comfortingly over Luke’s skin – smooth and scarred alike – and the blond boy’s eyes were much softer when he gazed down at his boyfriend.

“I love you,” Luke repeated but this time he looked dazed and, when Ashton’s fingers wound into his curls as he drew his boyfriend closer, Luke went with it willingly.

The kiss was deeper this time and Ashton felt heat pooling in his stomach when Luke’s tongue stroked lightly over his own, making his breath catch in his chest. They were both shirtless at this point and Luke’s hands stroking over Ashton’s skin were making him blush as he clung to the older boy’s broad shoulders, wanting him closer.

“ _Lukey_ ,” Ashton gasped when the blond boy’s thigh slipped between his own, giving him some much needed friction. Luke sucked his smile into Ashton’s neck as his free hand drifted to touch his boyfriend’s nipple, rolling it between his finger and thumb as Ashton arched into it, a choked gasp tearing out of him.

Luke sucked a tiny bruise into Ashton’s throat and the younger boy moaned, gone for it. He was hard in his boxers now, leaking at the tip as the head pushed at the material. Ashton wanted to be embarrassed but he couldn’t quite find it in himself when Luke was taking him in like that, tongue darting out to wet his lips as he touched Ashton’s nipple again.

The younger boy whined, legs falling open as he grinded up clumsily against Luke’s thigh. He’d never needed Luke more than he did in that moment.

“Need you to touch me,” Ashton breathed, cheeks flaming as he stared up at his boyfriend pleadingly. “Please, Lukey, _please_ ,” he begged and Luke swallowed audibly, his eyes darker now as hung his head for a moment, muscles in his arms tensing as he struggled for control.

“Sweetheart, are you sure?” Luke whispered and, despite the vague frustration Ashton could feel, his expression was soft. Luke had changed so much and, should Ashton ask him to stop right this second, he knew he’d be perfectly safe in doing so. Luke was like a different person... one that Ashton was rapidly falling in love with.

“Please,” Ashton whispered and Luke’s eyes softened as he calmed visibly.

“Of course, sweetheart.” Luke’s hand was soft in Ashton’s curls and the younger boy felt a nervousness inside him that he hadn’t even realised existed calm at the older boy’s touch. “I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe.”

“I know you will,” Ashton whispered, melting back onto the sheets when Luke’s hand drifted down the younger boy’s tanned stomach, making the muscles jump under his touch. Luke reached hesitantly to palm Ashton through his boxers and the younger boy moaned, hips jerking into Luke’s hand as he squirmed. Luke was hard too – Ashton could feel the older boy grinding subtly against his thigh – and Ashton’s cheeks were flushed as he pulled Luke down into a clumsy kiss, sucking at the older boy’s lip-ring and revelling in the moan that escaped his boyfriend.

“You can take them off,” Ashton breathed when he felt Luke’s fingertips edging beneath the waistband of his boxers. His pulse was thundering in his veins now and he couldn’t quite stop his hips from jerking up eagerly, and Luke looked satisfied as he scattered kisses down his boyfriend’s jaw.

“Lift your hips up for me, sweetheart,” he breathed and Ashton shivered when he felt the damp material being carefully eased down his legs. Luke dropped a kiss onto his shoulder before he drew back to wriggle out of his own boxers, fighting against the nervousness he could feel at finally letting his boyfriend see him like this; all of his scars and burns, and the vulnerability flooding through him like acid.

When Ashton’s palm ran gently over the rose tattoo before he stroked Luke’s burnt chest, the blond boy stopped resisting. Ashton wasn’t going to do anything to hurt him, just like Luke was going to do his utmost to keep the younger boy safe.

Ashton barely even saw the burns – stretching across Luke’s chest, over both shoulders, around his biceps, down his stomach and all the way to his hips. He was more focused on the way Luke’s soft blond hair fell down across his forehead, the glitter of his beautiful blue eyes, the slightly smoky smell of him that reminded Ashton of autumn and walks through the woods.

Ashton pressed an open-mouthed kiss to Luke’s broad shoulder and the blond boy shivered as he clung to him because it felt like: ‘ _I love you_.’

“You’re so beautiful,” Ashton whispered as he lay there, head dizzy with love and lust. “Please can we… please, Luke?” The blond boy spread Ashton’s legs gently but he still looked hesitant, closing his eyes when Ashton laid his hand gently against Luke’s cheek. “I really want this,” Ashton reminded him and Luke smiled again, his blue eyes scrunching up at the corners.

“So do I,” Luke said, dropping a kiss onto the corner of Ashton’s mouth. “Let me just get the –”

“I already got it,” Ashton mumbled, cheeks flushing darker. He looked faintly proud of himself though and Luke’s heart melted as he tilted his head to the side curiously. “I bribed Michael to get me it if I gave him the money,” Ashton said and Luke groaned, laughing into Ashton’s neck as the smaller boy smoothed his hands comfortingly down his boyfriend’s back.

“You’ve been planning this, huh? Good job, Ashy,” Luke sniggered when the younger boy reached to grab the lube and a pack of condoms from the drawer of his bedside table. “Not that Mikey’s _ever_ going to let us live this one down.” Ashton dimpled up at him and Luke’s expression softened as he pressed a kiss to the smaller boy’s forehead.

Ashton’s legs were still spread and Luke dropped his hand to stroke the inside of the younger boy’s thigh gently, making him bite his bottom lip. “Have you ever touched yourself _there_ before?” Luke asked hesitantly, kind of blushing but determined to do this properly because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt his boyfriend; he’d made a promise.

“No,” Ashton mumbled, cheeks stained red. “But it doesn’t matter, right?”

“Of course not, sweetheart,” Luke said gently, trailing kisses across his collarbone. “I just wanted to check. I want to take good care of you.”

“You already do,” Ashton breathed but his eyes were darker now as Luke’s hand shifted a little further down. “Lukey,” Ashton pleaded, slightly impatient now although it meant a lot that Luke was trying to keep from hurting him. “ _Please_? I need you.”

“You got it, sweetheart,” Luke reassured him, smiling gently as he reached to slick up his fingers with the lube. Ashton shuddered when the tip of Luke’s finger finally stroked over him but the whimper that escaped him when Luke nudged it in was lost in the older boy’s mouth as he leant down to kiss him.

Luke gave him a chance to adjust before he started to gently thrust it in and Ashton whined at the slight burn as his cock began to leak pre-cum onto his stomach. The late afternoon sunlight was dappling the ceiling a deep ruby and Ashton’s hazel eyes slipped shut as a moan escaped him at the sensation of Luke beginning to open him up.

“Are you alright, Ash?” Luke asked gently, his gaze loving as he clearly tried his hardest to make Ashton feel good. The slight burn had faded now and the younger boy nodded jerkily, his breath tearing out of him in a ragged gasp when Luke carefully added another.

Luke’s fingers had never looked that long before but they felt it now and Ashton was starting to pant, his curls sticking to his forehead as his fingers twisted in the sheets. He let out a broken moan when Luke brushed something inside him and the blond boy grinned, making a mental note to remember where that was for later.

Ashton mumbled something about Luke smirking and being a general little shit, and the blond boy’s smile widened as he dropped a kiss onto his boyfriend’s nose.

“You ready for another finger?” Luke whispered and Ashton moaned, teeth sinking into his full bottom lip as he nodded jerkily. Luke kissed him again. “Use your words, sweetheart.”

“ _Please_ ,” Ashton whimpered, rocking his hips back to take more of them in. Luke withdrew them carefully to add more lube and Ashton whimpered, eyes brimming with tears now because he was so desperate. “Please, Lukey, hurry –”

“Soon,” Luke promised but his blue eyes were wide at how eager Ashton was, and it was making it harder to focus as his cock lay flushed and leaking against his pale thigh. Luke pressed a third finger in carefully and Ashton’s head fell back onto the pillow as he whined, hands scrabbling for purchase on Luke’s back.

“Is this okay?” the blond boy checked and Ashton hummed contentedly, his fingers winding through Luke’s soft blond hair as the flush spread down his tanned chest.

“Yeah,” Ashton breathed, pupils so blown now as his expression took on a vaguely dreamy quality. “God, Lukey, I love –” Ashton broke off with a gasp when Luke’s fingertips pressed against his prostate and the cry of pleasure that left the younger boy only _kind_ of made up for Luke being angry that he’d interrupted whatever his boyfriend was about to say.

Ashton’s eyes opened again and he raised his head, wriggling away just enough that Luke got the message and carefully withdrew his fingers. He wiped them subtly on the sheets and bit back a probably-inappropriate laugh when he saw Ashton watching him disapprovingly.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Luke asked softly. “Did I do something wrong?” Ashton’s cheeks were redder than ever and Luke swallowed against his anxiety, cradling the younger boy’s face gently. “If you don’t want to go any further today then we don’t have to,” he promised.

Ashton gave him a small smile, tilting his head to the side questioningly.

“Do you mean it?” he asked curiously. “You really wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not,” Luke promised, the honesty clear in his expression as he gave Ashton a gentle smile. “I just want you to feel safe and happy, Ashy. I don’t care about anything else.”

Ashton’s dimples creased his flushed cheeks again as he wrapped his arms around Luke’s shoulders, pulling him down into a hug. The blond boy kissed Ashton’s cheek chastely and the smaller boy grinned, lips brushing the shell of Luke’s ear just lightly enough that it made him shiver.

“I _do_ want it,” Ashton said innocently, dimpling again when Luke’s eyes widened in surprise. “I was just checking.” He grinned when the blond boy huffed out a laugh, sucking a kiss into his neck.

“You’re such a –”

“Wonderful human being?” Ashton suggested but he was giggling now and Luke grinned, snagging the lube and condoms off the bedside table as Ashton took his glasses off. Everything was a bit blurry without them but it made the world look softer too, and Luke was warm and familiar against him.

Ashton knew everything was going to be okay.

“Took the words right out of my mouth,” Luke teased, capturing his boyfriend’s lips in a gentle kiss. “Right, I absolutely promise this is the last time I’m going to ask this today but…” He paused for dramatic effect and Ashton rolled his eyes fondly, smiling up at Luke even as he spread his legs again. “Are you _sure_ you’re sure you’re sure?” the blond boy asked.

Ashton giggled quietly, honey-coloured curls splayed back onto the pillow, bare chest rising and falling just this side of too fast, like he was nervous. That was natural though and Luke pressed a gentle kiss to the younger boy’s shoulder in a successful attempt to calm him.

“Please, Lukey,” Ashton said softly, biting his bottom lip again. “Yes, yes, yes.”

“Okay,” Luke whispered, rolling a condom on with only minor difficulty before he fisted himself a few times, biting back a groan as he coated himself with lube. Ashton was watching the muscles tensing in Luke’s arm with dark eyes but he was worrying his lip between his teeth and Luke’s expression softened as he settled back down carefully, kissing the faint nervousness from Ashton’s face. “You okay, Ashy?” he whispered and Ashton pressed his lips together timidly, managing a crooked smile.

“Yeah,” he promised. “Go on, Luke. Please.”

The blond boy watched him with soft eyes. “Hold onto me then, sweetheart,” he urged gently, kissing Ashton’s forehead as the younger boy’s hands found Luke’s broad shoulders and held on securely.

The rest of his bedroom was sort of blurry now that Ashton had taken his glasses off but he could still see Luke properly; the flecks of silver in his blue eyes, the shining black metal of his lip-ring, the faintest hint of freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose that Ashton had never noticed before, his Cupid’s bow and the way his tongue darted out to wet his lips as he gazed down at his boyfriend with dark eyes.

Luke gripped his cock at the base, lining himself up and glancing down between them before he hesitated, searching Ashton’s face for any sign of uncertainty. There was only affection there though and, when the younger boy gave Luke a soft look, the blond boy stop worrying.

“C’mon,” Ashton murmured and Luke smiled, taking a deep breath as he slowly started to push in. The blond boy kept watching Ashton carefully, checking for any signs of discomfort but – despite Ashton groaning softly at first, as was probably expected – the younger boy actually seemed to relax _further_ , like it didn’t even feel close to what he’d been imagining.

“It barely hurts,” Ashton said with mild surprise, his voice only slightly strained and absolutely _nothing_ like Luke’s had been the first time he’d done this with someone. Ashton smiled at Luke dopily although his lips _did_ fall open around a silent moan when Luke sank in further, the intense stretch taking Ashton’s breath away as his cock began to leak again.

Luke kissed Ashton’s panting mouth gently and the younger boy licked his lips, head falling back against the pillow as Luke finally stopped moving, stilling with their hips pressed together.

“I thought it would be worse,” Ashton managed, his eyes so blown now that the hazel was almost completely hidden from sight.

“Not if you take it slow enough,” Luke said calmly, although he was squaring his jaw as he struggled not to move. His blond hair was sticking to his forehead now and the hot pressure around him was doing its best to make him moan. “I told you I’d take care of you, right? I don’t break promises.”

“I know you don’t,” Ashton smiled. The burn was already starting to fade and Luke looked so gentle that Ashton’s heart felt too big for his chest.

Abruptly, the younger boy let out a breathless giggle without meaning to. Luke looked up in confusion, still struggling not to start thrusting until he’d given his boyfriend time to adjust.

“What are you giggling at?” the blond boy asked, his expression bemused but very warm.

“I’ve just realised I’m not a virgin anymore,” Ashton said before he giggled again. Luke rolled his eyes fondly, dropping a kiss onto the younger boy’s nose.

“Silly,” Luke smiled but he shifted a tiny bit without meaning to, making Ashton whimper as he clenched down instinctively. They both moaned and Ashton’s eyes were clouded with lust as he clung more tightly to Luke’s broad shoulders.

“Move, Lukey,” Ashton begged. “Please.”

“You got it, sweetheart,” the blond boy murmured, pulling back carefully before he thrust back in with a gentle roll of his hips. Ashton choked on a moan, his hazel eyes wide with lust as his eyelashes grew spiky with tears. He was gripping Luke’s shoulders tightly as the blond boy’s hands fell to hold his hips and neither of them could quite hold their moans in now.

The younger boy’s jaw was slack as more and more sounds slipped out of him, his eyes so warm and deep that Luke felt like he was falling into them. Ashton’s burnt hand was trembling when he reached to stroke Luke’s cheek gently and it made the blond boy want to _cry_ almost… how much Ashton trusted him.

“I love you,” Luke whispered again, resting their foreheads gently together as he rocked in. Luke’s thrusts were slow and deep, and it was nothing like fucking; nothing like meeting people in clubs who meant nothing, just ships passing in the night. Ashton was Luke’s oxygen, his ocean, his whole world – he was here to stay.

This was making love in its most literal sense – Luke could feel it burning warm and bright in his heart, could see it blooming like summer flowers in Ashton’s sparkling eyes.

Luke raised Ashton’s hips carefully, changing the angle of his thrusts until he hit Ashton’s prostate and felt the younger boy tense up as he cried out. Pre-cum shot out over his tensed stomach like pearls and Ashton made a noise a lot like a sob when Luke sucked a kiss into the sensitive skin by his Adam’s apple, grinding in deep and choking on a moan when Ashton clenched down around him.

It had never felt this good before and, god, Luke could do it forever.

Almost as soon as the thought crossed his mind though, the finish line came into sight.

Ashton’s breathing was picking up raggedly and he couldn’t keep his sounds in anymore, and Luke couldn’t be surprised. This was the younger boy’s first time and, quite frankly, Luke was shocked he’d lasted _this_ long, especially with how Luke was hitting his prostate on every single thrust now.

Ashton looked so overwhelmed that Luke took pity on him, scattering kisses across the younger boy’s flushed face as he reached to wrap his fingers around his boyfriend’s achingly hard cock. Ashton let out a broken whine, clenching down again when Luke’s hips began to stutter as he lost his rhythm.

They were both so close now, heat boiling in their stomachs as they clung to each other, grip tight like they were afraid of ever letting go. Ashton’s hips were jerking harder now and there was so much pre-cum that Luke’s fist was slick with it as the blond boy tightened his grip, determined to make Ashton finish before he did.

Luke couldn’t keep his eyes from the younger boy as his boyfriend began to fall apart and all he could think as Ashton’s orgasm crashed over him like a tidal wave was that Luke would never, _ever_ get tired of seeing this.

He couldn’t believe he’d even entertained thoughts of one night stands. Luke wanted to see this for the rest of his life.

Ashton tightened around Luke so much that it only took a few more thrusts before Luke was coming too, muffling his cry in Ashton’s neck as the younger boy’s arms came to wrap shakily around his broad shoulders.

“Love you,” Luke whispered for the fourth time that evening. Ashton buried his smile in the pillow, grinning sleepily as Luke carefully slipped out and tied the condom off, leaning to drop it into Ashton’s bin. “Let me clean you up, sweetheart,” Luke murmured when he saw Ashton’s cum drying in streaks on his stomach. “Do you have a flannel?”

“Bathroom,” Ashton mumbled, yawning widely although he gave Luke this stupid wink as the blond boy got up shakily. Luke snorted with laughter, ruffling Ashton’s curls gently as he passed. “Don’t be long.”

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” Luke promised, dropping a kiss onto Ashton’s nose before he slipped out of the room. He located the flannel easily enough and soaked it in warm water, feeling vaguely proud of himself for being such a caring boyfriend until he spilt water all over the floor and had to dry it up with toilet roll. (He’d forgotten to squeeze the excess water out of the flannel.)

Luke was blushing by the time he entered Ashton’s bedroom again but his expression softened at what he saw there. The younger boy’s breathing was calmer as he curled up and he looked like he was on the brink of falling asleep.

“Hey, sleeping beauty,” Luke said softly and Ashton grumbled sleepily, lips twitching when Luke cleaned his stomach gently with the flannel. Ashton frowned when Luke cleaned between his legs and Luke gave him a gentle kiss.

“Sorry, Ash,” the blond boy said apologetically. “It’ll feel worse if you don’t clean up now though.”

Ashton mumbled his assent but he blinked one of his eyes open anyway, watching Luke fondly before he reached out to comb his fingers lightly through the blond boy’s hair.

“Pretty boy,” Ashton mumbled and Luke rolled his blue eyes, blushing a little.

“Less of that,” he said but Ashton was undeterred as he reached for Luke, throwing the flannel onto his rug carelessly and tugging the blond boy down on top of him. Luke huffed out a laugh, moving so that he was cradling Ashton to his chest instead, where he could cuddle him and keep him warm.

“Didn’t want to squash you,” Luke pointed out when Ashton gave him a questioning look. The curly-haired boy’s lips tugged up as he settled down comfortably in his boyfriend’s arms.

“We had our very own meet-cute,” Ashton mumbled suddenly, giggling sleepily into Luke’s neck. “I covered your hand in toffee.” The younger boy could barely keep his eyes open now but he was warm and soft against Luke, and he was still smiling. “You’re lovely, you are.”

“Am I?” Luke asked teasingly and Ashton nodded, his smile widening as his eyes finally slid shut. His head fell to rest in the curve of Luke’s neck and the blond boy cuddled him closer, pulling the duvet up warmly over his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“ _Mhmm_ ,” Ashton agreed contentedly but his breathing was deeper and slower now, and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep.

Luke was left to smile down at the boy cradled in his arms with something that felt a lot like wonder because there was _no_ itch under his skin this time... nothing making him want to run away.

For the first time in his life, everything felt like it was exactly how it was meant to be.

Luke wanted them to stay like this forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos :)
> 
> There's actually not too much left now and unfortunately there's still one more Thing that has to happen first...............  
> Please don't hate me.


	17. Wherever You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who came crawling back.  
> ... Please don't hate me.
> 
> (Trigger warnings for: minor character death, traffic accidents, mentioned overdose)

As the weeks slipped through their fingers like sand, Ashton felt calmer somehow.

It rained a lot but he whiled away his free time at Michael’s place, slumped down comfortably on the sofa in Luke’s arms, legs tangled with Calum’s as the dark-haired boy used his boyfriend as some sort of cushion.

They watched a lot of terrible films and ate way too much toffee popcorn, and it made Ashton happier than he had been in a long time. It cancelled out his stress for exams and how horrible the bullies at school continued to be, and Ashton just appreciated it a lot.

He didn’t want it to change.

*

Luke still didn’t really like his job but he had to admit that it was starting to grow on him. The people in his office were friendly and the blond boy’s boss seemed to like him which was definitely a plus.

He’d actually approached Luke the week before and told him that he saw a lot of potential in him which would have been nice enough on its own, except _then_ he’d offered to fund Luke in doing a college course to gain a qualification while he was still working there and, after a long discussion with Ashton on the phone that night, Luke had decided to accept.

It seemed like too great an opportunity to pass up.

He wanted to be able to build a life for him and Ashton one day when the younger boy eventually left home, and this was Luke’s way of starting down that path. It made him feel like he was in control of himself again.

He still felt cooped up and stressed of course but he was working his hardest all the same, trying his best to do a good job in an effort to prove – to himself, to Ashton, to Anne, to _everyone_ – that he could actually make something of himself.

The days were long and hard but Luke was trying his best, and he knew that was what mattered.

He finished at five o’clock every day and rode his motorbike back into town, always wearing a helmet now because he didn’t want the people he loved to worry about him anymore.

Ashton’s anxiety had calmed so much lately that he’d started working in the coffee shop again, mostly only on the till and in the back room sorting out supplies but he was still there again which was a big step, and one that Luke was very proud of him for taking.

That was why Luke always went to the coffee shop after work now.

He sat at the table closest to the counter with his textbooks and a notepad, working through the modules for his qualification with a slight frown on his face as he tried to make sense of the questions. Calum and Michael sat with him to help sometimes if they came in, and Harry did the same whenever Louis was too busy to talk.

That was how they were now actually, sitting beside the steamed up glass as Luke chewed on the end of his biro and Harry mumbled under his breath in French as he stirred his hot chocolate idly with a spoon.

Harry had had his hair cut the week before and it was a lot shorter now, the dark curls tumbling across his forehead in a way that made him look younger. Ashton had been vaguely heartbroken when he first saw it – something about “no more Rapunzel” – but Luke thought the real reason was probably just because they didn’t see so much of Harry anymore.

It made him feel wistful but it wasn’t _sad_ necessarily; they were growing apart as they got older but Luke could see how much Harry, Ashton and Calum still loved each other, and he figured it would probably be enough for them to stay close friends.

It was just something that happened as you got older.

It didn’t mean they didn’t care about each other anymore.

Luke straightened up in surprise when Ashton’s hands came to settle lightly on his shoulders and the blond boy tipped his head back on the chair, smiling up at his boyfriend as Ashton dropped a kiss onto his nose.

“Hello, you,” the younger boy said, dimples creasing his cheeks as Luke poked his tongue out at him. “How’s the work going?”

“It’s _long_ ,” Luke complained but his eyes were twinkling all the same. “I have to discuss principles of social media in a business.”

“Well, that should be easy for you then,” Ashley piped up airily from where she was wiping down the counter with a cloth. “You’re never _not_ posting irritating things on your various social media accounts.”

Even Ashley didn’t seem to hate him so much anymore.

Luke had added her on Facebook the week before. They had a slightly fragile truce going on.

“I post informative videos of cute animals and cooking _actually_ ,” Luke corrected loftily, suppressing a grin when he saw Ashley looking away to hide her smile. “And it may have escaped your notice but I’m not actually a business. I’m a _person_. There’s a difference.”

“You could be a politician, Luke,” Ashley countered instantly. “You keep talking but no actual words are coming out.”

“Wrecked,” Harry grinned, green eyes crinkling as he clapped Luke on the shoulder, rising to go off in search of Louis. Ashton’s hazel eyes were soft when he sat down in the seat, laying his hand gently over Luke’s as the blond boy watched him fondly.

“I’m so proud of you, Lukey,” Ashton said gently as he propped his chin up in his palm, honey-coloured curls framing his heart-shaped face as his glasses slipped down his nose. Luke righted them gently with his fingertip, his blue eyes fond.

“I’m so proud of you too, sweetheart,” Luke said softly, catching Ashton’s burnt hand carefully in his own and brushing a kiss over his knuckles. “You’ve come so far.”

“So have you,” Ashton said earnestly, his doe eyes wide behind his glasses as his full lips tugged up into a smile. “I couldn’t be more proud of you, Lukey.”

The blond boy ducked his head, cheeks heating a little as he smiled at Ashton shyly. He was wearing his leather jacket over the white shirt he wore for work and his blond hair had been flattened down into something that vaguely resembled tidiness, and it struck Ashton just how much Luke had _changed_.

The blond boy stifled a yawn as he sank down lower in his seat and Ashton dragged his chair closer, wrapping his arm around Luke’s shoulders as he pressed a kiss to the blond boy’s cheek. Rain was pattering against the windows now, rolling down the glass as the minutes of Ashton’s break dwindled away.

“I think I need to go back home tonight,” Luke said out of nowhere, his voice surprisingly small and fretful. Ashton gripped Luke’s trembling hands gently in his own, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth as he watched his boyfriend anxiously.

“Home?” Ashton breathed, not even _trying_ to keep the worry out of his voice. “Why do you –”

“I need to get my things,” Luke said, his voice thick with how he was biting his lip. He met Ashton’s gaze and the wariness in his blue eyes made Ashton’s heart clench in his chest. “I don’t… I don’t like leaving stuff there with Ben. I have some stuff I want to pick up… some clothes…” Luke shook his head like he was shaking away drops of water. “I don’t like having stuff still there, y’know? I just want… not to have to go back there ever again. I want this to be the end of it.”

For a moment, Luke looked younger even than _Ashton_ but, like a car’s passing headlights outside, the vulnerability was gone.

“I figured I might go this evening,” Luke said with a shrug. “Maybe when you go back to work. I haven’t got anything else to do so I might as well get that all sorted. Then I can see you tomorrow without having to worry about it, right?”

“I… I guess so…” Ashton said unwillingly, still watching Luke with poorly-disguised concern. The younger boy’s expression was apprehensive when Luke got to his feet, giving his boyfriend’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Just… just be careful, Lukey,” Ashton said, his hand tightening around Luke’s for a moment. “Okay?”

“Of course I will, Ash,” Luke said, blue eyes wide at the fiercely protective look on his boyfriend’s face. The blond boy forced a lazy smile as he reached under the table for his motorbike helmet. “I’ll even wear this, okay? You don’t have to stress, sweetheart.”

“I _always_ stress about you, Luke,” Ashton muttered but he looked a little calmer now as he brushed Luke’s pale cheekbone lightly with the pad of his thumb. “Just take care of yourself out there, okay? It’s raining a lot and I bet the roads are all slippery… and the estate –”

“I know,” Luke said quietly, bending to press a gentle kiss to Ashton’s lips when they both rose. His pale face was solemn but his eyes were desperate, like he was begging Ashton to just let it go. “I’ll talk to you tonight though, okay? We can facetime or something; it’ll be fun.”

“Alright,” Ashton said uncertainly, wrapping his arms around Luke’s waist and hugging him tight for a moment, unable to shake off the nervous butterflies in his stomach. “See you then. I –” He swallowed the words “love you” that almost followed it but he thought maybe Luke could see them in his eyes.

“I’ll talk to you tonight,” the blond boy repeated. “I love you, sweetheart.”

His lips brushed Ashton’s forehead once more and then he was gone, striding out of the door into the rain with his bag slung over his shoulder and his helmet tucked safely under his arm, leaving the lingering smell of leather, petrichor and cigarette smoke behind him.

Ashton’s throat thickened when the door swung shut and he hurried into the back room, trying not to see Louis and Harry kissing on the low sofa because that just made him want to cry about _Luke_ because –

Because Ashton was prouder of him than anyone else in the world.

Because Ashton _loved_ him… and he was almost ready to say it back.

Almost.

*

The estate always looked worse in the rain.

The dark clouds cast everything into shadow, and the faces of the few people who were walking were grim and unfriendly, the raindrops running down their faces like tears as Luke manoeuvred his motorbike carefully through the slippery streets.

His road looked worse than ever tonight. A bin bag had torn open and the tarmac was strewn with rubbish, the disgusting smell catching in the back of Luke’s throat as he came to an unwilling stop on his driveway, glancing around at the prickly weeds and the broken glass with distaste as he reluctantly turned the engine off.

The silence that followed was deafening and Luke shivered as the wind blew, making an empty glass bottle roll across the road. He could hear shouting in the distance, voices swearing as the sound of glass breaking reached him. Luke’s hands were shaking as he removed his helmet, setting it down beside his motorbike and hefting his bag up onto his shoulder from where he’d stowed it on the back of the bike. His bottom lip was sore with how much he was biting it and the mist of rain in the air was chilling him down to his bones.

Luke walked up the driveway slowly, his shoes crunching on the shards of glass as the wind picked up, howling down the long straight road as it sent the icy raindrops flinging into him like bullets. The front garden next door was empty for once, the monstrous dog nowhere to be seen. The chain that usually tethered it was lying broken in the long grass.

Luke shuddered, forcing his gaze back to the front door with its cracked, frosted glass and peeling paint. The blond boy knocked, holding his breath as he waited to hear Ben cursing from inside, stalking downstairs with a bottle in hand to wrench the door off its hinges. It never happened though and Luke felt unease curling in his stomach. He was tempted to call his brother’s name but that didn’t seem like a good idea; drawing attention to yourself was never a good idea on this estate.

The door was locked when Luke tried it and he patted his pockets hopelessly but he didn’t have a key.

“Fuck,” Luke muttered under his breath, eyes darting around nervously before his heart sank like a stone in his chest. The only other way in was through the window with the faulty latch that opened up into the kitchen round the side of the house, set high up in the graffiti-covered wall and only accessible from the narrow alley that led between their house and the one beside it… the one with the dog…

“Fuck,” Luke said again, his brow creasing as he hesitated beneath the stormy sky. He wasn’t even sure if it was _worth_ it but… his pictures were still up there… his tickets and his memories and the only photo he had left of his family back before everything had gone to hell.

The resolve blazed on Luke’s pale face as he gave his motorbike one last worried look and started off down the side of the house, pulling his leather jacket tighter around himself as he turned his back on the street, going against every instinct in him screaming that he was making himself vulnerable doing this… that this wasn't _safe…_ that this was breaking his promise to Ashton –

But Luke could see the picture of his family in his mind’s eye now – his parents’ smiling faces, and Ben and Jack with their arms flung around Luke’s shoulders; young and bright and shining… still _happy_ – and that wasn’t something Luke could just let go of.

He reached the dirty window into the kitchen and slammed his broad shoulder up against it hard but it had been such a long time since he’d had to let himself in this way that it took him a few tries to get the angle right, and he could feel a bruise blooming on his pale skin as he reached for the underside of the window sill, hauling himself up.

His pack of cigarettes fell out of his pocket and tumbled down into a puddle on the floor of the alleyway, and Luke watched them regretfully for a moment before he shrugged it away, struggling in through the narrow window and cursing under his breath when he almost got stuck. Luke pulled harder and then he was airborne, tumbling face first down onto his kitchen floor and barely getting his hands up in time to protect himself.

He landed in a painful tangle of limbs and the absurdity of the situation almost made him want to _laugh_ except… except maybe he was just vaguely hysterical and being back here was doing absolutely _nothing_ for his probably-fragile sanity.

Luke stayed lying on the floor for a moment, just getting his breath back as he glared up at the offending window. It had never been that much of a squeeze before and the knowledge that he must have grown up a lot since he’d last done that made him feel strange inside; liberated but also… _lost_ … like things were changing too fast for him to keep a grip on them.

Luke slowly pushed himself up off the floor, stretching his arms out and wincing when his wrist ached from where it had struck the floor. He shook his limbs out carefully, deeply relieved that he hadn’t managed to break anything. At least now he wouldn’t have to call an ambulance or something; the last time one had been called onto the estate, it had been broken into for the drugs.

Luke brushed his rain-wet hair back from his forehead, hefting his bag back up his shoulder and frowning when his muscles ached. The cracked screen on his phone politely told him that it was already seven o’clock and Luke bit his lip as he stared up at the ceiling, wondering where the hell Ben was.

It was dark in the hallway when Luke finally plucked up the courage to walk out there and the dirty threadbare carpet covering the floor had been hidden under a collection of leaflets, bills and what was probably an eviction order if the red writing on the front was any indication. The broken letterbox creaked a little in the breeze.

Luke could hear water dripping upstairs but he still couldn’t hear Ben which was actually _impossible_ now that he thought about it because… the keys were in the inside of the locked door which must mean…

“He’s still here somewhere,” Luke realised, his voice little more than a breath as he swallowed reflexively past the anxiety rising in his throat. That definitely didn’t make any sense though because why hadn’t Ben answered the door or at least shouted at Luke to leave? Maybe he was passed out drunk or something. That was probably the safest outcome Luke could hope for.

The stairs creaked painfully loudly under Luke’s feet, and the smell of mould was unpleasant and overpowering as the blond boy waded through the empty takeaway food cartons at the top of the stairs, where it was even _darker_.

Luke could hear scratching coming from somewhere in the shadows nearby and he shivered, sticking to the middle of the narrow hallway as he headed for his old room at the end. ‘ _Mice,_ ’ he realised with a grimace. ‘ _Or rats. Ben really let this place go to shit._ ’

Luke hurried into his bedroom with a deep sense of relief, aware that he was already halfway done now and would be able to leave very soon; he’d be able to drive back to Michael’s and wash away the stink of this place; he’d be able to talk to _Ashton_.

That was probably all that was keeping Luke going right now. He shut his door firmly behind him and let out an exhausted sigh, somewhat surprised that this dirty room still felt vaguely comforting to him even now. Then Luke thought about the spare room at Michael’s place and, suddenly, the stained mattress lying on the floor here didn’t feel so soothing anymore.

The room still smelt of cigarette smoke but Luke must have left some food in here too because there was an underlying scent that kind of made him want to gag. He covered his mouth with his sleeve as he darted across the room, fiddling with the catches on the grimy window until he could push it open.

The smell of the rain still falling outside instantly calmed him and Luke lowered his hand warily, taking a deep unsteady breath as he asked himself what the hell he was doing here.

With the window open, he could hear the shouting he’d heard earlier but it was accompanied with an even louder smash of glass now and, as Luke winced away from the sound – and it sounded closer, like maybe it was only in the next road – a car alarm started to blare too.

Luke was just worrying about the wellbeing of his motorbike when he heard a loud, dangerous sounding bark coming from one of the gardens nearby. The blond boy thought again of the broken chain lying in the long grass, of how _strong_ the dog must have been to tear its way free of that.

God, this night was just getting worse and worse.

Luke turned away from the window, shivering in the cold as he began to pick his way through the dirty clothes littering the floor, trying to work out which ones were worth keeping. In the end though, Luke figured it was probably easier to just take all of them. They wouldn’t fit in his bag though which was… less than ideal.

Frowning, Luke unwillingly opened his bedroom door and headed back down the shadowy hall again, tripping down the stairs in the darkness – the lights weren’t working so Ben must have forgotten to pay the electricity bill again – and trying to ignore the irritating sound of dripping water as he re-emerged back into the grey light of the kitchen. He’d left the window open behind him earlier and Luke felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising as he hurried to pull it shut, not liking how exposed it made him feel before he busied himself with trying to find a bin bag that would hopefully be a lot better quality than the one that had spilt rotting rubbish everywhere outside.

Luke had just found one when a shadow blocked out the light through the grimy window and, before he could do much more than jerk his head up in shock, angry barking became audible as the dog leapt up outside, slamming its paws into the dirty glass as its burning eyes glinted hungrily at him and… shit, okay… Luke was probably totally about to get eaten.

He backed out of the room slowly before turning to run back upstairs, crouching low and praying that the glass wasn’t going to break… that the dog stayed round the side of the house and gave Luke enough time to get on his motorbike with his stuff and –

Yeah, that was probably a stupid idea. Maybe he should just stay in here until the dog fell asleep again.

Luke could hardly hear himself think now with how loud the car alarm was blaring but his unease was almost stifling at this point and all he could see in his mind’s eye as he gathered his dirty clothes into a bag was Ashton’s worried face, heartbreakingly beautiful as he watched his boyfriend leave him behind in the rain.

Luke shoved a few spare lighters into the bag too, dragged his pillow off the bed in a moment of hesitance and added that because it was one of the only things that had survived the house fire… and then Luke was done, and all he had left to do was find somewhere safe to put the pictures and the tickets that were currently stuck up on his ceiling.

Luke stretched up on tiptoes to remove them and he was deeply relieved that he’d grown so much since he’d left; he’d had to drag a chair up here to put them up in the first place and it was made a lot easier now that that was no longer necessary.

Luke took down the ticket stubs first, letting them fall to flutter on his mattress as he worked at carefully easing the drawings and letters free without tearing them. The strip of photos he and Ashton had had taken in the bowling alley were a lot easier to remove since he’d put them up most recently but Luke spent almost a minute carefully taking the old faded picture of his family down because if he ripped _that_ then he didn’t think he’d be able to forgive himself.

Luke knelt down on the mattress for a moment, gathering the papers and the pictures together as he tried to convince himself that his eyes weren’t prickling with tears. He tucked them away safely, sliding them into his inside jacket pocket and zipping it shut so that they’d hopefully be protected from the rain.

“Right,” Luke murmured to himself, straightening up and lifting both of his bags up onto his shoulder. It wouldn’t be easy to secure them both to his bike but he figured if he just drove slowly enough then he could get outside the estate and park up somewhere, text Michael and ask him to drive over so he could help him.

Luke knew the blue-haired boy would do it too. He loved Michael the way he’d used to love his brothers.

The light in the room was more blue then grey now, the sky almost dark outside as Luke shivered at the cool air, crossing the room to pull the window shut again. He turned away, his eyes falling to rest on a crack in the wall where he’d thrown his phone once… back when he’d almost lost Ashton…

 _Ashton_.

It was time for Luke to leave now and he was more than happy to oblige.

He hesitated in his bedroom doorway all the same though, teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he bit at his lip-ring, looking at his empty room one last time. He felt melancholy but also relieved and Luke wasn’t surprised to realise that he really didn’t think he was going to miss this place.

“Goodbye, Ben,” Luke muttered as he carried his belongings downstairs. “Wherever you are.”

*

Luke was just turning the key to unlock the front door – quietly so as not to alert the prowling dog – when he heard a drip of water again, just moments before another droplet landed on him and ran down his frowning forehead.

“What the hell?” Luke mumbled, letting his bags fall to rest on the worn-out carpet in the hallway. He squinted up in the darkness before he finally gave up on that idea and eased his phone out of his pocket instead, turning on the torch. He held it up – all the while fighting off the “haunted house” vibes he was starting to get – and felt the frown on his face deepening as he saw a wet patch on the ceiling… like water had flooded the bathroom almost.

“Ben?” Luke breathed and, little though he wanted to, he knew it wouldn’t sit easy on his conscience if he just left now because… what if Ben had got really drunk and passed out in the bath or something? What if he just left him here and his brother got hypothermia or – or –

“Damnit,” Luke hissed, sighing deeply as he traipsed back up the stairs again, defeated now. He didn’t know what the hell Ben was playing at if he’d been in the bathroom this whole time.

Luke pushed open the door hard enough that it slammed back against the wall, hitting the already-cracked tiles as the thick-legged spider that lived under the sink scuttled away out of sight. The tap was dripping water and a large puddle was spreading out on the floor, the smell of damp saturating the cold air as Luke’s breath ghosted in front of him.

Ben was lying in the overflowing bath, several empty bottles of alcohol lying on the tiles, a syringe sticking out of the crook of his elbow that hinted at an overdose and… and Luke’s head was starting to spin now and his heart was clenching painfully in his chest as he gripped the edge of the sink to keep himself upright because all he could see was mottled skin and unseeing blue eyes and –

Dead.

Dead, _dead_ , _**dead**_.

The water was icy as it soaked Luke’s trousers when his legs gave way beneath him. Ben’s skin was freezing when Luke’s trembling hand touched his bare shoulder. Luke’s cry echoed around the silent bathroom with more pain than the blond boy had ever heard before.

“Ben, no,” Luke whispered, too shocked to even notice the tears falling down his cheeks. “Not you too.”

This was like finding Jack all over again.

The torch on Luke’s phone was still shining and it illuminated Ben’s face, the light burning right into his eyes and… and Luke waited for him to move away or at least fucking _blink_ but… but he didn’t… because he was gone.

Because _all_ of Luke’s family were gone now.

He stared at his phone numbly, stared at the torch light until his eyes hurt and the tears quickened, and then Luke unlocked his phone. He called the first number in his address book instinctively and when Ashton answered the call on the second ring, Luke’s voice deserted him.

“Hey, Lukey, how’re you?” the younger boy asked cheerfully. Luke could hear Michael and Calum’s voices in the background which didn’t make sense until he realised his boyfriend must have gone back to Michael’s place to surprise him. Luke’s eyes burnt hotter and his throat thickened, and the ragged gasp that suddenly escaped him must have been audible because Ashton fell silent.

“He’s dead.” The words were shaking and weak, and Luke was shuddering with cold and fear and pain and… and _panic_ ; panic blazing inside him like a fire burning out of control that he hadn’t even realised _existed_ until now. “He’s _dead_ , Ash, and I don’t know what to do –”

“ _Luke_ , I – I don’t –” Ashton sounded like he was panicking and there was movement on the other end of the line now, a scuffling sound and then that strange echoing quality that only happened when a phone was put on speaker. Luke was sobbing, his arm wrapped tightly around his heaving chest as he sank down against the bathtub, only to recoil away when he felt the cold brush of Ben’s fingertips against his arm.

Luke’s crying was desperate and panicky, and Ashton was sobbing over the line. Luke could _hear_ him but he couldn’t make himself calm down enough to comfort him and… and now Calum’s voice was added to the mixture, all worried and frightened as Luke gasped out: “He’s dead. He overdosed. He’s _dead_ ” and only silence reached him… and then Michael’s voice, weak and frightened and shaking so badly that it made Luke feel sick as the oldest boy quietly asked: “ _Who’s_ dead, Luke?”

“Ben,” Luke whispered but they heard him in the terrible silence that followed. “Ben’s dead.” Michael made a small choking noise and Ashton was still crying, and dimly Luke could hear Calum calling the emergency services in the background in a strained, frightened voice and –

He’d had enough.

Luke lurched to his feet abruptly, freezing water dripping back down onto the floor as the blond boy staggered away from his brother’s body. Luke couldn’t stay here anymore, not when it felt like he was going to end up just like Ben and Jack the longer he was trapped in this house.

Luke didn’t even realise he was talking out loud until he heard Ashton tearfully plead for him to stay where he was… but Luke couldn’t do that.

The air was seeping out of his lungs like lifeblood.

Luke needed the rain and the road and the storm.

He couldn’t stay here any longer.

*

Luke let the phone slip through his numb fingers thoughtlessly, flinched at the cracking sound it made as the phone fell to pieces in the icy water. The blond boy almost fell as he staggered down the stairs but it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

 _Nothing_ mattered anymore.

Luke fled down the dark hallway, scraping his knuckles bloody on the door key as he got it unlocked and then he was free, racing out into the rain and leaving his bags behind… leaving his helmet abandoned on the cracked driveway as he swung his leg over the bike and choked on a sob as the rain hammered down.

He could hear barking, angry and growing louder than ever, and the fearful sob caught in Luke’s throat as he stamped on the gas, reversing back dangerously fast onto the abandoned road and sending the disgusting rubbish flying everywhere in the dark evening.

The front door to the house was swinging open behind him and the dog was sniffing around the driveway, tearing at Luke’s bags with its claws and teeth but Luke didn’t care anymore – _couldn’t_ care when his heart was bleeding in his chest and filling his lungs until he felt like he was choking.

 _This_ was why Luke had tried not to feel anymore. _This_ was why Luke felt like he was being torn apart now.

The dog barked again as it lurched towards him and Luke rode away faster, almost crashing into the side of an already-dented parked car as his tears and the rain combined to blind him.

His breath kept catching in his throat and his eyes were burning painfully as he drove too fast through the empty streets, the rain soaking him and making the handlebars slippery as the tyres threatened to skid in the puddles as he avoided the broken glass.

It took Luke _far_ too long to realise that he shouldn’t be driving when he was crying.

*

The windows in Michael’s car were fogging up as the heating rattled but Ashton had wiped his clear as he stared out into the rain desperately, searching for Luke without any success at all.

Calum reached forward from where he was sitting in the back seat to squeeze his best friend’s shoulder gently but all that happened was Ashton letting out a broken sob that made Michael glance over to the front passenger seat worriedly, his dazed green eyes too wide for his pale face as his bottom lip beaded with blood where he’d been biting at it.

“We’ll find him, Ashy,” Calum whispered reassuringly, squeezing Ashton’s shoulder tighter. “We’ll find him and we’ll make him alright again. It’ll all be okay.”

Ashton couldn’t let himself believe him though, not when he was panicking as he remembered how terrified Luke had sounded… how _small_ his voice had been… how dangerous the estate was to go alone at night… and _especially_ after something awful like this had happened.

Ashton began to cry again but neither of the other two boys seemed particularly surprised. In fact, they looked pretty close to it themselves. Calum was trembling and Michael’s jaw was set tight, his green eyes flooding with tears as he forced himself to focus on the road.

Ashton was practically tearing his hair out by the time they reached the estate and he let out a whimper when Michael slowed down, driving even more carefully as he avoided the rubbish in the road, his green eyes flickering around anxiously as he searched for Luke.

It was no good though and even Calum was getting tearful by the time they reached the blond boy’s road, his dark eyes wet as he pressed his palm flat against the cool glass, peering out into the darkness.

There were headlights up ahead, three sets of them blazing from the vehicles that were parked outside Luke’s house. There was an ambulance, a police car and even an animal control van, and Calum shuddered when he saw that the kennel next door to Luke’s house was empty.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Michael choked out, burnt face crumpling. Ashton’s sobs sounded strangled as he buried his head in his hands and Calum couldn’t breathe properly past the lump in his throat when he followed his boyfriend’s gaze because… because the door was opening and two figures were carrying a body bag outside and – and _fuck_ , everything felt real now because that was Luke’s _brother_ – the unfriendly blond guy who Calum had confronted a few months ago now – and the realisation made bile rise in the youngest boy’s throat.

“Keep driving,” Calum croaked out uselessly, blinking back his tears as Michael did as he was told, not wanting to be caught up in it. Ashton was crying harder than ever, his whole frame shuddering as he tried to wipe his tears away but only succeeded in knocking his glasses painfully into his face.

Michael’s shaking hand settled comfortingly on Ashton’s knee but the younger boy couldn’t hold himself together anymore.

He just wanted his boyfriend back.

*

It was raining so hard that Luke might not have been able to keep his motorbike under control on a _good_ day. This wasn’t a good day though and Luke’s heart felt like it had been shredded in his chest as the bone-deep ache inside threatened to overwhelm him, flooding his lungs like seawater as he remembered the crackle of flames… Jack’s vacant expression… Ben’s unseeing eyes… and the steady drip-drip-drip of water.

Luke shuddered as the rain soaked his hair and ran down his face, so pale he looked almost _bloodless_ now as the panic made his head spin. He was still crying, his breath still catching agonisingly in his hollow ribcage as his trembling hands tightened around the handles.

The rain was coming down in sheets now, slamming onto the tarmac beneath him so hard that the droplets were dancing back up into the air, trembling there before they fell for a second time and splattered into nothing on the soaking ground.

Luke kept skidding in the rain as the sky stormed above him but he couldn’t find it himself to care anymore as he swerved dangerously through the traffic, leather jacket flapping open around him, the streetlights reflecting in the puddles as the approaching headlights blinded him and then –

And then there was a truck coming and the bike was slipping down onto its side in the rain, and Luke was skidding across the tarmac and there was a burning agony searing through him and his head was exploding with pain and he couldn’t breathe and the truck’s horn was blaring and the rain was filling his lungs and –

There was nothing Luke could do.

He wanted Ashton – god, _Ashton_ – and – and –

And then there was nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so fucking sorry.  
> Um... I don't really have anything I can say to make this better but I promise that... that this is the worst bit? And it all goes uphill after this?  
> God, I'm sorry.  
> Also I haven't updated this in forever and I can't apologise enough for that.  
> But I'm going to finish it! And "Tempest"... and "that's why you like it"... I just need to slow down a bit.  
> Thank you so much for reading though!  
> Please let me know what you thought <3


	18. Fire In The Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken so long and that it's quite short but I hope you guys will like it!  
> I was struggling to get it finished but Maggie Jane was being all lovely and stuff, and she helped me tons so this horribly angsty chapter is for you! ^_^  
> Hopefully you guys will enjoy it!

Ashton’s heart stopped beating when they saw the ambulance.

The traffic was at a standstill and Michael turned the ignition off with a frustrated sob, his brows drawn together tightly as he struggled to remain calm. Calum remained sitting silently in the back, still reaching around awkwardly to squeeze Ashton’s shoulder in what he probably hoped was a reassuring gesture. The curly-haired boy was frozen though, staring out of the rain-splattered windscreen with dawning horror.

“- worst time for fucking traffic,” Michael muttered, his reddened eyes downcast as he tapped his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel. His face tightened suddenly, like he was remembering what they’d heard Luke say about Ben… like he was remembering that the blond boy was out there in the storm somewhere, alone and aching and falling apart without them there to hold him together.

Ashton was still staring, his blood icy cold in his veins as his heart swelled into his throat. The rain was pounding against the glass like bullets but Ashton wasn’t distracted like Michael and Calum were; he was gazing intently ahead, looking at the flashing blue lights of a parked ambulance and the blazing golden lights where its doors were thrown open for the paramedics.

There must have been an accident of some sort because there was a truck with a dented fender parked haphazardly up ahead, the driver grey-faced and worried-looking in the rain as a police officer spoke to him.

“I just want to find Luke so we can all go home again,” Michael said heavily, a big tear rolling down his cheek as he folded his arms on the steering wheel, burying his head in them. Calum sniffed behind them, drying his dark eyes with his sleeve as he finally noticed how Ashton had frozen.

“Ash?” Calum asked delicately, his voice thick with tears but something like _hope_ too… but Ashton couldn’t remember what hope felt like now… not when it felt like any good feeling in him had been extinguished like fire in the rain as his tear-filled eyes finally settled on the scene playing out in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asked before grimacing, like he hadn’t considered the double-meaning there. “Ashton? _Cal_?”

The night sky was dark overhead when a choked sound tore out of the curly-haired boy because, glimpsed through the onlookers beginning to crowd round in the downpour, Ashton caught sight of a familiar figure lying slumped on the ground, surrounded by paramedics… caught a glimpse of blond hair and a well-worn leather jacket.

“Oh my god,” Calum breathed, fingertips biting into the muscle of Ashton’s shoulder as he finally saw what his best friend was staring at. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”

“Cal?” Michael’s voice was small as Ashton’s shaking hand shot out to grip the door handle, pulling at it clumsily. “Cally, what’re you -”

“It’s _Luke_!” Calum cried out shakily but Ashton was already staggering through the rain by then, his feet sliding in the rapidly-spreading puddles as the weather soaked him. He was trembling by the time he got to the edge of the crowd, elbowing his way through as the tears boiled hot down his cheeks.

Dimly, he was aware of Michael and Calum calling out behind him, their voices tight and desperate, but Ashton was too far gone to process it anymore.

All he could see as the crowd parted was Luke lying on the tarmac, his face vacant as blood trickled down his pale forehead. His motorbike was a mangled wreck, half-caught under the tyres of the truck, and his blood was dissipating in the rainwater beneath his head because he hadn’t been wearing his helmet… after he’d _promised_... like that even fucking _mattered_ anymore!

A police officer appeared in front of Ashton when he reached the front of the crowd, blocking his view of Luke as she fixed him with a look that was equal parts concerned and grave.

“I’m sorry but you can’t come through here, love,” she said firmly and Ashton dragged his wild gaze up to her face, his fingers tangling in his hair now as his knees threatened to give way beneath him.

“Please,” he said desperately, the tears falling with such rapidity now that Ashton felt sure he was going to drown in them. “Please, god, you have to let me. _Please_. He’s my boyfriend. _Please_.”

She stepped aside when she saw the desperate _love_ burning on his face but her hand settled firmly on his shoulder as he finally caught a glimpse of the paramedics working over him.

“Don’t touch him,” she said gently, her gaze falling to settle on Luke’s limp form as Michael and Calum fought their way through the crowd behind them. “This only just happened. His neck might -”

Ashton choked on a sob, turning away and burying his face in the closest familiar thing which, in this instance, happened to be Michael’s shoulder. The blue-haired boy’s arms wound tightly around him and Calum clutched at Ashton too, his trembling hand fisting in the smaller boy’s t-shirt as Luke lay still beneath the rain.

It didn’t matter to Ashton that the lights were still flashing and the paramedics were still moving and the police officers were ordering everyone to move back because, when Ashton finally risked glancing up and caught a glimpse of the blood trickling from the corner of Luke’s mouth, everything just seemed to… stop.

*

“Ashton?”

_Blond hair. Blue eyes pressed stubbornly shut. Rain rolling down pale skin like tears. Blood, blood, **blood**._

“Ashy?” A different voice. Younger and more afraid. Echoing like it was far away.

Ashton closed his eyes against the too-bright light of the hospital waiting room, his hands trembling so hard that the cold sugary coffee in the little cardboard cup threatened to slosh over the edges.

“Ashton!” Calum sounded frantic.

A tear rolled down the curly-haired boy’s cheek and he choked on a sob, keeping his hazel eyes stubbornly shut behind his glasses.

“Ash?” Michael asked softly, sitting on the younger boy’s other side. “Ashton, please,” Michael whispered. He took the coffee cup from the curly-haired boy’s unresisting hands, tangling his fingers with Ashton’s as Calum laid his head gently on the smaller boy’s shoulder.

“Ash, it’s going to be okay,” Michael promised, his voice thick with unshed tears. Ashton didn’t open his eyes. “Ash, Luke’s in theatre now. The doctors will look after him. This is the best place for him. He’ll be fine… _more_ than fine. He’ll be _good_.” The words might have made Ashton feel better if Michael hadn’t sounded so tearful… hadn’t sounded like he was trying to convince _himself_.

“He’s going to die,” Ashton whispered, his eyes squeezing so tightly shut that it _hurt_ as the searing tears boiled over. “He’s going to _die_ and I never got the chance to tell him how I feel or - or kiss him or hold him or make him okay again or - or tell him how _proud_ I am of everything he’s done.” Ashton buried his head in his hands, gasping tearfully when Calum carded his fingers gently through the older boy’s curls as Michael wrapped his arm around Ashton’s shoulders.

“Luke’s not going to die, Ashton.” Calum spoke firmly, his voice barely shaking at all as Michael shot him a pleading look over the top of the sobbing boy’s head. “Luke’s one of the strongest people we know, right? So sure, he’s a bit fucked up right now b-but… but he’s going to pull through. He’s going to come swaggering out of there like the cocky arsehole he is and… and we’ll fucking punch him for scaring us like this… and then we’ll hug him, okay? We’ll hug him so tight and we’ll never let him go.”

“He’ll never be alone again,” Michael whispered, his burnt face damp with tears as he let out a hopeless sigh, slumping back in the uncomfortable plastic seat.

“That’s a promise,” Ashton breathed.

*

Luke’s doctor refused to speak to them until Michael’s parents turned up and it tore Ashton’s heart up in his chest that the Cliffords were the only family Luke had left now… apart from him.

God, apart from him… because Ashton wasn’t going _anywhere_. Not ever again.

“Mr and Mrs Clifford.” The doctor greeted them wearily, remaining standing in the otherwise empty waiting room as Karen cuddled Michael close, her face grey and frightened as her son gripped Calum tightly. The tanned boy was still gripping Ashton’s hand like he was afraid to let it go, his chocolate brown eyes damp and too wide as Daryl squeezed Calum’s shoulder like he was anchoring himself there.

“Please, is he going to be okay?” Michael asked, his voice desperate and small. “My mum and dad are here now so you can tell us. _Please_ , just… just tell us.”

“Of course,” the doctor said, her voice carefully neutral although her eyes looked sad. “Mr Hemmings is in a stable but serious condition. We almost lost him twice during the operation but… he pulled through. He’s a fighter.”

The relief made Ashton feel _dizzy_ as, beside him, Calum gave him a knowing look, his face almost _glowing_. Michael didn’t seem to share their happiness though; his expression was still strained and he was staring up at the doctor with something a lot like fear on his face.

“That’s not all,” the blue-haired boy guessed, watching the older woman like he was trying to read what had happened on her face. “Is he okay? Is he -”

“Mr Hemmings fell into a coma,” she said quietly, her expression almost apologetic now as Karen let out a little sob beside them. Daryl was shaking and Calum’s tears were trickling down his stunned face without him even realising it. Michael was crying silently. Ashton couldn’t even _move_.

“We’re doing everything we can for him but… he wasn’t wearing a helmet when the collision occurred. His injuries were extensive enough that -”

Ashton stopped listening.

The woman was still talking and everyone around him was still crying, and Ashton interrupted her without thinking.

“Is he going to wake up again?” They all fell silent and Ashton drew in a ragged breath, shuddering as he wrapped his arms tightly around himself. “Is Luke going to wake up?”

“At this stage…” The doctor broke eye contact for the first time, looking away as she shook her head grimly. “We just don’t know.”

*

Ashton was silent by the time Anne came to pick him up.

Daryl had already driven Michael and Calum home but Karen had stayed behind with Ashton, sitting in the hospital reception area with her arm wrapped warmly around his shoulders. She was going to drive Michael’s car home for him and Ashton kept getting distracted by the lights glinting off Michael’s keyring. He could feel himself going into shock.

“Luke’s going to be okay, darling,” Karen kept promising as an old man was wheeled past on a stretcher. His face was grey and he looked dazed; Ashton thought he knew how he felt. “Luke’s going to be okay and so are you.”

“Yes,” Ashton whispered, his eyes unfocused as he gazed into the dark night outside. “Yes, of course.”

Anne’s cheeks were streaked with tears when she stumbled into the reception area but Karen seemed to realise who it was when Ashton stiffened infinitesimally beside her. Anne made a beeline straight for them and Ashton bit his lip hard enough he tasted blood when her arms wrapped tightly around him, her familiar perfume making his eyes sting with fresh tears as Karen reassured her that Ashton was quite safe… not like Luke.

Not like Luke at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought and I promise I'll try not to leave it so long next time <3


	19. Seen This All Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> First, I'm sorry it took me so long to update. (Months! It took me _months_!)  
>  Second, I love you all for being so patient with me...  
> If you're still here. (I really hope you're still here.)  
> Third, I'm sorry for the horrible ending last time.  
> Fourth, I hope you guys will enjoy this! It's still horrible and angsty as hell... but you learn more about Luke! So yay!  
> I hope you guys like it! :)
> 
> P.S. The song in this chapter is actually ‘Dear World’ by Boy Epic – suggested by the lovely Kori! – because it just seemed to fit this fic.

“I can’t believe this happened to him.” Calum’s voice was little more than a whisper as he lay sprawled on Michael’s bed, staring unseeingly up at the ceiling. “After everything that happened with his family… I…” His voice trailed away uselessly and Calum blinked hard against the tears threatening to fall again. “It just doesn’t seem right.”

“I know, lovebug,” Michael said softly, his burnt face twisting as he struggled to keep the extent of his sadness from his face. “Life is cruel.”

Calum curled up against Michael’s chest, tucking his head beneath his boyfriend’s chin as Michael’s hands rose automatically to cuddle the younger boy closer to him.

“Tell me something happy about Luke,” Calum said softly, his voice coming out muffled where his mouth was pressed to Michael’s black sweatshirt. “Please. Tell me what you were like when you were both kids.”

Michael sighed but there was something softer in his lovely eyes when Calum chanced a glance up and it made the dark-haired boy relax a little.

“Well… we did everything together,” Michael said honestly, the tiniest hint of a smile curving his cherry-red lips although he still looked melancholy. “We were in the same class in primary school. We used to eat lunch together and make glorious artwork out of bits of felt and dried pasta. Luke was a pro at making sculptures out of plasticine and pipe cleaners if I remember correctly.”

Calum snorted despite himself and Michael grinned, heartened.

“I remember this one time in PE I got knocked over by some big kid who liked shoving the little ones around –” Calum snorted again because he couldn’t _ever_ imagine Michael being little but his expression was faintly concerned as he stroked his boyfriend’s cheek gently. “ – and Luke waited ‘til lunchtime, snuck up behind this kid, and poured his whole yoghurt over his head. It was the funniest thing I ever saw… at least until the head teacher showed up and gave him a detention.”

Michael hid his smile in the younger boy’s hair, cuddling Calum closer as he tangled their legs together, anchoring himself there.

“Luke’s a good guy,” Calum said sincerely, his dark eyes twinkling, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. Michael’s throat thickened with tears.

“Yes, he is,” Michael said, and he was smiling... until he wasn’t anymore.

Calum shushed him gently and pulled the older boy into his arms but it was no good.

Michael cried for hours.

*

Ashton was stuck in a rut.

He ran out of school the moment the bell rang, generally with more bruises than he’d had the day before; he worked his shift at the coffee shop and expertly deflected all sympathy or concern (and hiding from Harry was the hardest); he ate dinner with his mum, and then the pair of them drove to the hospital to sit by Luke’s bedside until visiting hours were over.

Sometimes Calum and Michael were there too, occasionally with their parents; sometimes Louis and Harry; sometimes even _Ashley_ although that was rare.

Mostly though, it was just Ashton.

Anne usually came in with her son to make sure he was settled but then she went down to the canteen with her book, drinking black coffee and most likely desperately thinking of positive things she could say to her son on the drive home.

Everything had been the same so far.

Ashton just sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair beside Luke’s bed and tried not to fall apart as he whispered everything to the blond boy that he’d never been brave enough to say before. He _still_ didn’t say that he actually loved Luke but… but Ashton had convinced himself that that _had_ to wait until Luke woke up (and it was _when_ , not if).

The words were too important not to be said properly.

 _Luke_ was too important.

*

Something was different tonight.

Ashton knew it as soon as he stepped onto the ward. The nurse behind the desk – who recognised him now and gave him a cheerful wave – straightened up and caught his attention. Ashton came to an awkward stop, nudging his glasses further up his nose as he smiled at her wearily.

“Hello, love,” she said but there was something careful in her expression that put the curly-haired boy on edge. “You here to visit your boy again?”

Ashton blushed at that but there was something bitter inside him all the same. Of _course_ he was here to see Luke. Nothing else mattered anymore.

“Yes,” he said weakly. The woman’s face softened.

“I have some of his things for you,” she said quietly, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment as Ashton reached for the bag she was offering with shaky hands. “They’ve been released from the police now – just procedure as I understand it – and I thought you could keep them safe for him until he wakes up?”

Ashton could have hugged her for saying that.

Instead, his eyes decided to fill with tears which then attempted to race each other down his cheeks.

She made a concerned clucking sound but her hand was warm and comforting on his shoulder. Ashton’s sob escaped him stupidly but she didn’t look fazed. She must have seen this all before.

“You go and sit down with him now, love,” she said gently. “I’m on my break in twenty minutes so if you fancy anything from the vending machine, you just pop out to tell me and I’ll get it for you, okay?”

“Okay,” Ashton said thickly, his hazel eyes equal parts watery and grateful. “Thank you, miss.”

“Nonsense,” she said, winking and making him smile faintly. “Call me Rachel.”

“Thank you, Rachel,” he said quietly and she smiled, laying a gentle hand on his back as she sent him on his way.

*

Ashton didn’t look in the bag for twenty long minutes once he reached Luke’s room.

He held the blond boy’s hand in his own burnt one, staring down through tear-filled eyes at their fingers overlapping as Luke’s chest rose and fell evenly thanks to the countless machines around him. There was a breathing tube taped to his face and his eyes were shut, his expression vacant and soft.

He looked faraway.

Ashton raised Luke’s hand gently and brushed a kiss over his knuckles before he opened the bag. The first thing he found was Luke’s leather jacket and Ashton unfolded it carefully, cuddling it tightly to his chest and inhaling the familiar scent of _Luke_ that lingered on the fabric.

He felt something in one of the inside pockets of the jacket and, frowning faintly, Ashton unzipped it and eased the items out. He saw ticket stubs first – from concerts and trips to the cinema and fairground rides from a long time ago. There was a strip of photos too – of Ashton and Luke cuddling each other at the bowling alley with huge smiles on their faces – but there was something sadder at the bottom of the pile that made Ashton want to fall apart again.

It was an old faded picture of Luke’s family. He saw Liz and Andrew’s smiling faces, Ben and Jack beaming with their arms slung around each other, and Luke… Luke who was practically _glowing_ as he stood there surrounded by people who loved him.

All of those people were gone now but it didn’t mean Luke wasn’t loved.

It just meant the people had changed instead and, privately, Ashton thought that perhaps Luke had never been loved _more_ –

And he would tell him soon too.

Nothing would stop him.

Ashton set the pictures and ticket stubs carefully on the bedside table – planning vaguely that he might look through them with Michael and Calum later to give them something to hold onto too – before he went through the rest of the bag. There were quite a few items of clothing that had survived the dog's attack, along with one of the bags Luke had thrown across the back of his motorbike which _must_ have made it unstable but… but Ashton was trying not to think about things like that.

Otherwise he was going to break down and never stop crying again.

Right at the bottom of the pile, tangled up in one of the shirts – almost like maybe Luke had gathered it up by accident – there was a torn-out sheet of lined notepad paper with what looked like a song or a poem scribbled on it in Luke’s small, cramped writing.

Ashton didn’t intend to read it, not wanting to invade Luke’s privacy, but his hazel eyes accidentally alighted on the few words written at the top and Ashton’s breath caught painfully in his throat.

 

**_For Ashton - I’m sorry._ **

 

There was a date too, one from a few months before – maybe during the time Ashton and Luke hadn’t been on speaking terms? – and Ashton’s eyes prickled with hot tears as he glanced up at his boyfriend’s sleeping face, taking in the grazes and his messy blond hair and his cute upturned nose.

Another sob tore out of Ashton as he read the words and he thought, in a strange detached sort of way, that he didn’t think he’d ever felt so lost before.

 

**_I cross my heart and I wish that I would've never met you._ **

**_You showed me how to love and how to tear myself in two._ **

**_When I lay my head down all my secrets pour out._ **

**_All the things you've done I won't speak of again._ **

**_Most days I walk around not making a sound,_ **

**_With all the pieces of my heart in my hands while singing._ **

 

Ashton remembered the first kiss he’d shared with Luke. He remembered their tangled fingers on a dark walk home and the blond boy’s laugh as he held Ashton close and made him forget how much he was hurting. He remembered how fiercely protective Luke was; remembered his crinkly-eyed smile and his clumsy gait and the gentle brush of his fingertips as he wiped Ashton’s tears away.

 

**_I've fallen in love more than twice._ **

**_Kissed a pretty girl and I thought she was mine._ **

**_Yeah I've had sex, I've made love._ **

**_The only difference to me is the trust,_ **

**_But even trust can hurt you sometimes._ **

**_Remember nothing lasts forever, you lose._ **

**_I've watched my mother cry, watched my father slowly die._ **

**_God if you're looking for something to do I'm praying._ **

 

Ashton remembered the first and only time they’d gone all the way together; remembered how he’d wished that it would never end because Luke made him feel whole and _safe_ in a way that nobody else had ever been able to do.

Ashton looked down at his burnt hand and the sore-looking skin and, with a jolt of realisation in his chest, he realised that Luke had made him feel beautiful.

The tears burnt hotter then and Ashton was powerless to stop them.

 

**_Dear world, slow down, you're killing me now._ **

**_Dear world, slow down, you're killing me now._ **

 

The paper was crumpling in his fist as Ashton cried but he forced his hand to relax, forced himself to smooth it out on the sheets and stroke Luke’s bare forearm to calm himself. It made goosebumps rise on the older boy’s skin and Ashton only cried harder as he read the rest of the song because he loved Luke so _much_ and, god, what if he never got the chance to _tell_ him?

 

**_This is who I am doing the best that I can._ **

**_Always running in the dark trying to catch my falling stars, singing._ **

 

Ashton let the paper fall as he gazed up at Luke’s face, taking in the pearly skin and the vacant expresson – a _mask_ almost as it concealed all of the love Ashton had seen _blazing_ there whenever the older boy looked at him.

 

**_Dear world, slow down, you're killing me now._ **

 

There was only one last line on the page now and Ashton’s breath caught painfully in his chest when he realised that it wasn’t a song lyric but a _note_ instead:

 

‘ ** _Because I’d be stupid to think I could ever keep you, Ash. No one could be that lucky._** ’

 

Ashton folded his arms on the edge of Luke’s bed and sobbed.

He never knew life could be so _awful_ but every day was worse than the last without the older boy there.

If their meet-cute had involved a motorbike crash and the rain then maybe that was how this was going to finish too but… but it wasn’t an end-cute. It was an end- _bad_.

An end-‘ _oh my god, please help me because I don’t think I can live without you anymore_ ’.

An end-‘ _I love you but I never said_ ’.

Sometimes, Ashton thought the pain was never going to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I literally told someone today I wasn't going to update this until Tempest was finished (sorry I didn't mean to lie) but then I got the story stuck in my head and this sort of wrote itself.  
> I hope you all liked it!  
> Please let me know what you thought! :) <3


	20. The Absence Of Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something happy happens! In this fic!! Who would have believed it?!  
> (I hope you guys will like this chapter.)

When the bell rang to signal the end of school, Ashton couldn’t get out fast enough.

Calum had been roped into some family dinner which he was aiming to escape from later – Mali had already picked him up from the car park – and Michael looked slightly lost without his boyfriend, even as he fell into step beside Ashton and shot dangerous glares at anyone who happened to glance the younger boy’s way with anything less than friendship on their faces.

“How’re you doing, Ashy?” Michael’s expression was soft and Ashton shrugged morosely, letting out a quiet sigh when the older boy’s arm slipped comfortingly around his shoulders. “Are you working tonight?”

“No,” Ashton said with something like relief as his burnt hand gave a phantom throb. He shivered involuntarily but Michael didn’t look like he was judging him. If anyone would understand, Michael would. “Haven’t got a shift tonight which is a good thing.”

“Huh. I thought you _liked_ being busy,” Michael pointed out as the pair of them stepped out into bright sunlight.

“Yeah, sometimes but… I don’t know. Harry just keeps looking at me with these huge sad eyes and it’s putting me on edge because I kind of miss him so… y’know, I’m not exactly sad I’ll be missing that.” Ashton’s attempt at a jovial tone fell woefully flat. “Except mum’s working late at some stupid meeting thing tonight so I’m home alone.”

“No, you’re not,” Michael said instantly. “You’re coming round my house for food and films tonight, and Calum can join us later. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Ashton looked up at Michael hesitantly, squinting against the sunlight as he took in the burn marring Michael’s face and neck, and the way his blue hair fluttered in the wind.

“You’re a pretty good guy, you know that, Mikey?” Ashton said.

Michael smiled, rolling his eyes good-naturedly as he bumped Ashton’s arm with his.

“Well it _has_ been said,” the older boy teased.

Ashton’s hesitant smile was fond as he clambered into Michael’s car.

“Can we listen to Green Day, Mikey?”

Michael gave Ashton’s hand a squeeze as he turned the engine on.

“You bet we can, Ash.”

*

Luke didn’t remember much really: just the blur of the streetlights reflected in the rain; the screech of protesting metal as the bike fell onto its side; the burning pain as his head struck the tarmac and his body flipped like a ragdoll.

Nothing else.

Everything was dark after that, Luke’s thoughts little more than flashes as he lay there and let the exhaustion wash over him.

He saw the truck’s headlights blinding him; he saw Jack’s vacant expression and Ben’s unseeing eyes; he felt his damp leather jacket clinging to him and the bite of the windowsill as he broke into his own house back on the estate; he heard the crackle of fire and the screams of his parents, but they had a strange echoic quality to them now… like Luke wasn’t really there.

He saw his office and his bike; saw the coffee shop with Louis and Ashley and Harry; he saw Calum and Michael cuddling; he saw the blue-haired boy’s glittering eyes and the dark-haired boy’s mischievous grin.

Luke saw that day on the bus with Ashton; he saw the younger boy’s bruises and the fondness in his hazel eyes; he saw his burnt hand and his long eyelashes, and the gentle sparkles in his lovely eyes whenever his boyfriend kissed him.

Luke saw _Ashton_ and it was only the absence of pain then that told Luke how much he was hurting.

The blond boy sank back into nothingness once more.

*

Calum turned up at Michael’s house at around seven with Mali in tow, looking exhausted and vaguely pissed off although his face still split into a huge grin when he saw Ashton and Michael. The blue-haired boy rushed forwards to draw him into a hug and Calum clung to him tightly.

“Thanks for dropping me off, Mali,” Calum said but his voice came out muffled where his face was pressed to his boyfriend’s chest. The older girl rolled her eyes.

“Where’re your parents, Mike?” Mali asked curiously and Michael shrugged, frowning faintly as he seemingly considered this. They’d eaten takeaway pizza for dinner and a film was paused on the television screen but neither of them had really given it much thought.

“Don’t know actually,” Michael said, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’ll text mum in a minute.”

“I guess I’ll stay with you ‘til they’re both home then,” she said, making Calum groan dramatically as he tugged a giggly Michael into the kitchen by the hand. “ _Someone_ better keep poor Ashton company.” Mali didn’t seem to realise the double meaning of her words until they’d already escaped her and her expression became chagrined. “Oh crap, Ash, I… I’m sorry.”

Ashton sat down heavily on the sofa, tugging his glasses off too hard so that he could wipe his eyes fiercely with his sleeve.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said quietly, keeping his blurry gaze fixed on the paused television screen. “Not your fault.”

“That doesn’t make it okay though,” Mali said hesitantly, kicking her sandals off on the rug and crossing his legs beneath her. It made her look younger somehow, reminded Ashton of when they’d all been a lot smaller, back when he and Calum were just little kids.

“Not your fault,” Ashton repeated glumly but he eased his glasses back on now and watched her wearily. Mali’s dark eyes were swimming with tears.

“How’re you holding up, Ash?” she asked softly, voice thick with sadness. “Are you okay?”

“Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay,” Ashton said in lieu of answering and Mali’s expression then told the younger boy that she knew exactly what he was doing. Ashton sighed, shoulders slumping like all of the air was leaking out of him. “Of _course_ I’m not okay, Mali. Who would be?”

She drew him into a hug and Ashton gave a soft sniffing sound as he breathed in the familiar scent of her perfume. It made him feel about five years old.

There was the sudden sound of a key turning in the front door and the voices in the kitchen faded as Michael appeared in the doorway with Calum under his arm. Ashton wriggled to his feet with flaming cheeks but Mali patted his shoulder gently and Calum’s expression was soft when he looked at the pair of them.

“Everything okay?” Calum asked quietly and Ashton gave a humourless smile.

“Mum?” Michael faltered in the middle of the living room when Karen appeared in the doorway. Her hair was slightly damp where it must have been raining outside but her tired eyes were kind. “Are you okay? I tried texting you but –”

“Your father and I were called to the hospital,” Karen said, and the effect of her words was shocking as everyone fell abruptly silent and froze. Ashton didn’t even remember to _breathe_ until Calum gave his good hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

“The hospital?” Michael asked blankly, his green eyes slightly too wide. “Mum, is Luke okay? Is he –?”

“He’s fine,” Karen said hurriedly and there was something brewing in her eyes; the beginning of tears maybe. “He’s _better_ than fine.” Her voice was weak but she was smiling now, her eyes growing damp. “The doctors… they say he’s waking up.”

Ashton’s legs gave out beneath him and he sat down heavily on the sofa, burying his head in his hands as the relief rocked through him like an earthquake, shaking him to his core.

Michael sounded like he was crying now and Calum was holding his boyfriend tightly, making comforting little shushing sounds as he gently swayed Michael in his arms. Mali’s arm slipped around Ashton’s shaking shoulders again and he didn’t realise he was even _crying_ until Karen knelt down carefully in front of him, taking one of his hands carefully in both of her own.

“I left Daryl waiting with Luke at the hospital and I’ve already spoken to your mum, Ash. Do you want to come with us to the hospital now?”

“Please,” Ashton breathed, his hazel eyes swimming with tears as his heart pounded unevenly in his chest. “Please… can we go now?”

“Of course,” Karen said warmly and, when Ashton finally looked up at the others, he was met with several gentle and understanding faces. “I think it might be a little overcrowded if we all went to visit now but… how about tomorrow when we see how Luke’s feeling? He isn’t totally with it yet so it might be a little bit much right now.”

“Of course,” Michael choked out, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand as his smile lit up his face. “You should take Ashton there now though. He should be there when –” Michael’s voice wobbled but he was smiling so hard that he tucked his face away into Calum’s neck, his relief making him giddy.

“Thank god, thank god, thank god,” Calum murmured, punctuating each word with a kiss dropped onto Michael’s face. Mali smiled, the relief she was feeling evident on her face.

“Would you like me to take Cal and Mike back to mine tonight, Karen? They could stay with me and Tom. That way you don’t have to worry about them being here alone.”

“Oh, would you?” Karen asked, her eyes shining. “Thank you so much.”

Ashton was already in the hallway by this point, struggling into his trainers and what he thought might be Calum’s hoodie before he waited there in the dark, arms wrapped tightly around himself, emotions battering tumultuously inside as the love in his chest roared.

“Come on, Ashton,” Karen said gently, guiding him outside to where she’d left the car parked with the engine running. “Luke is waiting for you.”

*

Karen drove quickly through town, sticking to the well-lit streets as the sky darkened overhead. They passed a big open stretch with the ocean glittering to their right; passed the sight of the accident where Luke had lay crumpled in the road and Ashton had fallen apart; passed the library where Luke had been hiding, searching for jobs or a way out, whichever came first.

Ashton’s heart rose into his throat when Karen finally found them a parking space and Michael’s mother had to grab Ashton by the hood of his jacket to keep him from getting knocked down when he tried to rush across the carpark without looking.

“Do try not to get yourself injured now please,” Karen said and, below the teasing, there were something equal parts concerned and caring in her eyes, exactly the same colour as Michael’s. “Be careful, okay? What would Luke do without you?”

“I don’t know,” Ashton said and, for the first time since the accident, Ashton gave a tiny laugh. “But it doesn’t matter. He won’t have to be without me _ever_. I mean it.”

Karen’s expression was fond as she greeted the receptionist before leading Ashton towards the lifts.

“I know you do,” she said softly. “And, just for the record, Luke will always have a place with us too, okay? Just in case he starts worrying when he wakes up.” Her face became fiercely determined. “He’s family… as are you and Calum by default now. You take care of yourselves, alright?”

Ashton pressed his lips together hard, nodding mutely as he gave her a watery smile, too moved for words. Karen patted his shoulder gently as they approached Luke’s now-familiar room.

“Hello, love,” Karen said when Daryl looked up at the sound of the door opening. “Do you want to come and grab a coffee with me? Give Ash some time alone with Luke?”

“Of course.” Michael’s father looked tired but happy, and Ashton felt himself relaxing as he took the older man’s seat at Luke’s bedside.

Ashton felt _small_ when the door closed quietly behind them.

The monitors were still beeping comfortingly but the machines helping Luke breathe were gone now, although the tube remained taped to his face. He’d looked smaller every time Ashton saw him over the last month and the same could still be said now; Luke was stirring visibly, fingers twisting in the sheets, brow creased like he was hurting… still fighting even now.

Ashton reached for the call button beside the bed but then Luke’s eyes finally fluttered open. They closed almost immediately against the light in the room but it was enough – Ashton had seen.

“Oh god,” the younger boy breathed thickly, smearing his tears away with shaking fingers as he knocked his glasses lopsided. Luke’s grazed hand found Ashton’s across the sheets and the curly-haired boy’s breath tore out of him in a ragged gasp.

“Hey, Lukey,” Ashton croaked, blinking back his tears as they spilt over and ran down his cheeks like stars catching the light. Luke’s blue eyes were soft and pained, and more loving than Ashton had ever seen.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Luke breathed, his voice dry and hoarse, barely there. Luke’s eyes fluttered again with what Ashton assumed was pain and this time he succeeded in hitting the call button.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Lukey,” Ashton promised, his lips gentle as he pressed a kiss lightly to his boyfriend’s forehead. “I promise it is. I…” Ashton hesitated but Luke’s fingers were still entwined with his and he wasn’t scared anymore. He _couldn’t_ be – not when Luke was looking at him like that.

“I love you, Luke,” Ashton whispered, watching the blond boy with so much adoration that it hurt to look at. “I love you so, _so_ much. I’m sorry it took me until now to say it.”

Luke clutched his hand tighter, squaring his jaw as the tears began to run down his pale face relentlessly. Ashton’s forehead rested gently against his and the curly-haired boy cradled Luke’s cheek gently in his palm.

“Please don’t ever leave me again,” he whispered and Luke’s fingers curled gently around his wrist, squeezing comfortingly. “I love you too much to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.” Luke’s words sounded painful but he smiled faintly when Ashton gave him a shy, gentle kiss. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> There's only 2 or 3 updates left now if everything goes to plan so I hope you think I've done this justice :)  
> Please let me know what you thought <3


	21. The Road To Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before the epilogue!  
> I can't believe how far this story has come and I'm so happy :)  
> I hope you guys will enjoy this!

School was over.

Their exams were finished and Ashton never had to get shoved face-first into a locker ever again. It was a strange feeling, almost melancholy although Ashton knew for a fact he wouldn’t miss it. He’d miss some of the people though; some of the laughs and the jokes they’d shared over lunch or in the classroom; the lack of responsibilities aside from simply having to complete his homework and arrive to lessons on time.

It felt like the end of an era almost but Ashton couldn’t feel sad about it.

Not when Luke was awake again. Not when everything was _finally_ starting to look okay.

Ashton’s heart almost beat right out of his chest when the final bell rang to signify the end and he exchanged a wide-eyed look with Calum, taking in the younger boy’s sparkling chocolate brown eyes and his dimpled cheeks as Ashton carefully adjusted his glasses.

The class erupted into excited laughter and shouts around them – most of the students simply excited about summer although the more melancholy students dwelling on leaving – and Calum grabbed Ashton’s hand as they all entered the bustling corridor, keen not to lose him in the crowd.

“I can’t believe it’s over!” Calum giggled above the noise. “We did it!”

“We survived high school!” Ashton said and he couldn’t keep the smile from his face. He didn’t care if the bullies saw him looking happy now. He couldn’t have cared _less_ because Luke was coming out of hospital in a week, and Anne was waiting for Ashton at home so that she could take him to visit his boyfriend, and no one could hurt him anymore.

Ashton’s burnt hand curled into a fist and the smile was impossible to wash from his face.

The only thing missing was –

“Harry!” Calum called suddenly, waving his arm wildly to catch the older boy’s attention. “Hey, Harry!”

Their old friend looked up and Ashton felt something warm melting in his chest as Harry hurried over to meet them. They’d been growing apart as they got older but Ashton would always love his best friend and, judging by the huge hug Harry just tugged them both into, maybe Harry would always love them too.

“Hey, Rapunzel,” Ashton said with a grin. Harry’s green eyes crinkled fondly as he slung an arm around both of their shoulders, leading them out blinking into the sunlight. “How’ve you been?”

“I have been _grand_ ,” Harry declared and his accent was still just as strong as ever. “And I do not mean large… although –”

“Stop it!” Calum yelled but he was giggling with his hands covering his mouth and… and _damnit_ , Ashton had missed hanging out with these two together. He forgot how much _fun_ they had.

“You wanna walk home with us, Rapunzel?” Ashton suggested and Harry smiled like maybe he’d missed them too.

“Of course I do,” Harry said, smiling widely. “Just like old times, yes?”

The three of them chatted happily as they walked home in the sunlight – their first proper conversation together in a long time – as they reminisced over some of their funnier moments at school: Harry examining his fingernails in the football goal every week; Calum playing stupid pranks on them; Ashton encouraging Harry to teach him and Calum French swear words in their science lessons every week.

“God, I’ve missed this,” Ashton said but his smile refused to fade from his face.

Ashton didn’t know why things had felt so awkward between them before – so _strained_ and uncomfortable – but it didn’t feel that way anymore luckily.

Calum took his hand and Harry ruffled Ashton’s curls just like he used to do back when they first met, and it felt like everything was finally going to be okay again.

It felt _good_.

*

Luke was walking again.

He was pacing around his hospital room, up and down the corridor outside, and he’d even persuaded his physical therapist Kate to let him walk around in the hospital gardens the day before. Luke was slowly working on developing his strength after so long in a coma but it wasn’t going to be quick and Luke had accepted that now.

The road to recovery wouldn’t always be easy but it would be worth it, as Kate liked to pipe up whenever Luke fell down and cursed his stupidly weak body for betraying him.

He had a number of interesting scars now and the desire to never, _ever_ ride a motorbike again, and Luke was seized with a burning desire to get better… to _heal_ … to love Ashton and Michael, and Calum and the Cliffords; to show Harry, and even Louis and Ashley how much he valued their kindness… their forgiveness… their _friendship_.

The window to Luke’s hospital room was flung open wide and the sunlight was pouring in along with a warm breeze. Luke was stretched out on top of the blankets, dressed in a pair of faded shorts and a t-shirt that used to be Michael’s. Luke hadn’t wanted to wear any of his own clothes – too many memories of the accident and… god, when he’d found _Ben_ – but these were okay. They reminded him of Michael; of feeling _safe_.

Over the last few weeks – and _definitely_ against everyone’s judgement – Luke had been thinking about what had happened as often as he could, making sure to dwell on it because the rawness of it lessened a little every time he thought about it, even if the pain _didn’t_ fade. (Privately, Luke wasn’t sure it ever would.)

Even thinking about his old house back on the estate didn’t hurt as badly as it had done once because Luke hadn’t been happy there in a very, _very_ long time… maybe not _ever_. His old house didn’t feel like a home anymore; it felt like a haunted house instead.

Luke rubbed the soft material of the blanket between his thumb and forefinger as he lay there. His ribs still ached painfully if he twisted the wrong way and he’d be having another scan in the next few days to monitor how well his internal organs were healing. There’d been a lot of internal bleeding and fractured bones, and Luke felt sick to think of it now… but he felt worse knowing that Ashton, Michael and Calum had seen him in that state.

God, Luke wasn’t sure he was ever going to forgive himself for that.

There was a low knock on the door – different to the cheerful rapping sound Kate always announced her presence with – and Luke felt his face light up as he realised that he’d lost track of time. Ashton must be here already!

The curly-haired boy sidled into the room with his usual awkward gait, curls sticking up in all directions and glasses sliding down his nose as his dimples creased his cheeks. Ashton’s shirt collar was sticking up crookedly and his backpack was dangling from one shoulder, full to bursting with everything he must have gathered from his locker since he’d officially left school today.

Luke’s heart melted in his chest as he pushed himself painfully into a sitting position and the younger boy beamed at him, stumbling forwards to wrap Luke gently in his arms. Ashton climbed up onto the bed beside him – he’d stopped sitting in the chair beside the blond boy’s bed once Luke had irritably exclaimed that it made him feel like even more of an invalid than usual – and Luke grinned, cradling Ashton’s warm face between his hands.

“Hello, sweetheart,” Luke said, smiling wide as his tongue darted out to play with his lip-ring. “How was school? How are you?”

“Well, let me think,” Ashton said teasingly. “School is over and I spoke to Harry again today, and my silly boyfriend is almost well enough to leave the hospital –” The last bit was said so fondly that Luke couldn’t actually hold in his relieved giggle. “– so I’d say I’m pretty damn good, Lukey.”

Ashton hesitated as the joking tone faded from his voice and his expression became softer as he entwined their fingers gently between them, sitting cross-legged with their knees pressing lightly together.

“How about you?” the younger boy asked gently. “How are you holding up?”

Luke was still smiling at Ashton but his expression was a little more serious now.

“I’m… I’m okay,” the blond boy said and, for the first time in a _long_ time, the words were true. “I’ve got you. I’ve got Mikey and Cal… and… and Karen and Daryl. I don’t need anything else.”

Ashton shoved his backpack off the bed unceremoniously so that he had room to stretch out next to his boyfriend and Luke suppressed his smile with difficulty.

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do once you’re out of here?” Ashton asked softly. “Because… y’know, once you know where you’re going… I figured maybe I could… I could move out? Come live with you?”

Luke’s eyes were so, _so_ soft as he slowly shook his head. Ashton pouted, trying to ignore the thickening in his throat that always heralded tears.

“Why not?” Ashton demanded but his voice was slightly watery now. Luke kissed his cheek, letting their foreheads fall to rest together on the pillow.

“Because it’s not the right time,” Luke said honestly. “Because we’re so young and so much _shit_ has happened, and I’d quite like to try successfully winning your affections all over again.” Luke winked stupidly and Ashton hid his smile in the older boy’s shoulder but, when he finally looked up again, Luke’s blue eyes were serious. “Because I _love_ you, Ashton. Because I care about you and leaving home wouldn’t be good for you right now.”

“But… but why not?” Ashton asked weakly and Luke’s face softened.

“Because your mum loves you so much and you love _her_ , and you two are only just starting to fix your relationship,” Luke said honestly. “Because I can’t give you a proper life right now and you _deserve_ to be taken care of.”

Ashton blinked in surprise before his eyes welled with tears and he manhandled the older boy gently into a hug.

“I’d move out in a second to be with you, Luke,” Ashton breathed, pressing a shaky kiss to his boyfriend’s neck. Luke gave him a watery smile as his arms wrapped warmly around Ashton’s waist.

“I know you would, sweetheart,” Luke murmured, dropping a kiss onto his boyfriend’s curls. “I know.”

They lay tangled like that for a little while, just content in each other’s arms as the sun warmed their skin and Luke hummed under his breath. The tune faded slowly and Luke let out a quiet sigh as Ashton lay there, warm and safe in his arms.

“Karen came to see me last night.”

Ashton stroked Luke’s jaw gently with his fingertip, brushing a tiny scar with a sad look on his face. Luke tried to lick his finger – presumably in an effort to lighten the atmosphere – and Ashton snorted, flicking his boyfriend lightly on the nose.

“What did she say?” Ashton asked curiously and Luke shrugged, smiling and dropping his gaze to play with Ashton’s fingers although his blue eyes remained sparkling.

“She just… kind of reaffirmed what I’d always hoped I guess? But… y’know, I never figured I’d actually be lucky enough…” Luke’s voice trailed away but Ashton was happy to wait, content in the comfortable silence that was covering them like a blanket.

“She told me I’m like a second son to her,” Luke whispered after a moment and his voice sounded choked. “She said if I don’t come quietly she’s going to make me share a bedroom with Mikey which is clearly a fate worse than death.” Luke’s tone was teasing now, his relief palpable, and Ashton giggled as he snuggled closer into Luke’s neck.

“I’m glad you have the Cliffords, Lukey,” Ashton said and his tone was sincere beneath his poorly-suppressed joy. “You deserve to have good people in your life.”

Luke smiled and kissed Ashton lightly on the forehead.

“I already have _one_ right here, sweetheart,” he said teasingly. “I don’t think there _is_ anyone better than you.”

Ashton rolled his eyes but the smile refused to fade from his face.

“I love you, silly.”

“I love you too, Ash.”

*

“Ashton, there’s a stop sign! There’s a _stop sign_!”

Ashton giggled which Anne didn’t take particularly kindly to.

“It’s like two hundred metres down the road, mum! I saw it, okay? I was gonna stop!”

Anne had been giving Ashton driving lessons for over a month now and, despite him actually picking it up pretty quickly – Michael and Luke said he was a natural at it (while Calum and Harry sulked because neither of them could afford cars) – Anne still thought he was terrifying.

She spent a lot of her time stamping on the floor in a panic-stricken manner whenever Ashton didn’t brake the very moment she would have. He thought she was getting a _tiny_ bit calmer now but it was still quite distracting.

“If you keep sounding like a hysterical pterodactyl then I’m much more likely to drive into someone’s bin, mum,” Ashton pointed out mildly. Anne spluttered, clearly torn between trying not to laugh and considering telling him off.

She eventually settled on a good-natured and vaguely teasing: “You should be more polite to me since I’m risking my car’s already-fragile suspension letting _you_ drive it, you menace!”

Ashton couldn’t think of a suitable argument so he stuck his tongue out at her and continued driving. The sun was blazing down between gaps in the clouds and Ashton felt content as he checked his mirrors, making sure it was safe to stop before he began practising parallel parking. It was probably one of his weakest points but he’d picked up driving so quickly that Anne was willing to let him learn.

He managed it successfully after maybe two minutes of slightly questionable manoeuvring and Ashton turned the engine off once they were parked, leaving the windows open to lure the breeze in. The light wind tousled his honey-coloured curls playfully and his hazel eyes sparkled as he tapped his fingertips on the steering wheel.

“I’ve been thinking of looking for a job, mum… instead of going to college,” Ashton said hesitantly and he glimpsed Anne stiffen out of the corner of his eye. “I… I know you always wanted me to study at college but… I don’t know. The older I get, the less I think it’s for me.” Ashton didn’t let himself look at her – too scared to see the inevitable disappointment in her eyes – but he ploughed on regardless. He’d been thinking about doing this for a long time.

“In the office where Luke works, they have this apprenticeship scheme. You can study business administration and marketing, and you come out with an NVQ qualification at the end of it and… and if you stay on for two years then you can usually get into university anyway because they often take an NVQ as the equivalent of A Levels so… so I wouldn’t really be jeopardising anything and –”

“ _Ashton_!” Anne cut across him swiftly, her voice surprisingly soft. Ashton looked up at her in surprise and felt a lump rising in his throat when he saw the fondness in her eyes. “Baby, calm down,” she murmured, brushing his cheek lightly with her fingers. “You’ve really given this some thought, haven’t you?”

Ashton squared his jaw against the tears he didn’t want to let fall, nodding slowly.

“I… I just want to make things with Luke work. I want to make you _proud_ of me,” he said quietly. “I want to go out there and get a job, and actually… end up _making_ something of myself. I want to be able to take care of him and… and _you_ …” Ashton shook his head, his expression almost rueful now. “School was bad for me – you know that – and… and I just want to make sure that now _isn’t_ bad. I want to _live_ , mum. I actually want to _enjoy_ my life… and I think this is how I could do that. I’m really tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.”

Anne’s eyes swam with tears but the pride on her face was unmistakable as she drew him into a hug made awkward by the seatbelts and the gear shift.

“I’m _already_ proud of you, Ash,” she said softly, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “So, _so_  proud. You’re a good man.”

It was the first time anyone had ever called Ashton a man before and a part of him wanted to laugh nervously but most of him was glowing with the praise as he settled back in his seat again.

“Thank you,” he said softly. “Mum, thank you. I love you. I’m sorry dad used to hurt you. I can’t tell you how much it means that you were so brave for us.” Ashton didn’t know where the flood of words came from but he knew they were important. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever been this serious speaking to his mum and it made the tears in his eyes boil over.

“God, I love you so much,” he gasped, voice thick and several octaves too high, and Anne’s eyes were welling up as she cradled his face gently in both hands, her soft eyes more loving than Ashton could ever remember seeing. She’d given up so much for him and he’d never be able to tell her how grateful he was.

“I love you too, Ash,” she murmured, her smile gentle, her hands soft. “I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :)  
> Please let me know what you thought <3
> 
> Only the epilogue left to go now!


	22. Epilogue: In The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over! I can't believe it's finally over...  
> Fingers crossed you guys will like this one and thank you so SO much for reading this far! :)

Summer was coming to an end. The nights were drawing in and the weather was growing colder as the days grew shorter.

Ashton turned the ignition off, letting out a slow breath as he settled back in the driving seat of his secondhand car. The heating didn’t work and the paintwork was a vaguely unpleasant greenish-brown, and Luke had lovingly nicknamed it The Pickle, a name which had stuck much to Ashton’s quiet dismay. (It was still better than Calum’s name of choice ‘Bumper Stiltskin’ though. His friends were idiots honestly, Ashton thought fondly.)

“What time are the others getting there?” Luke asked from the passenger seat, a grey beanie pulled down over his soft blond hair as he peered out into the well-lit car park with interest. They were meeting Michael and Calum, and Harry and Louis at a pizza place in town, a sort of goodbye meal as the season came to an end.

“We’re already a bit late,” Ashton said, chagrined. “I didn’t realise the traffic was going to be quite so bad so…”

“They won’t mind,” Luke murmured, catching Ashton’s hand and pressing a soft kiss to his scarred knuckles for a moment before they climbed out of the car together. “Better hurry up though, eh? Don’t want Michael blackmailing us into paying for his order like last time.”

“Definitely not,” Ashton giggled.

The sky was a blueish-purple overhead and there was a chill in the air as Luke entwined their fingers carefully, his hand warm in the fingerless gloves he was wearing as they strode along the pavement together, glancing out over the twinkling ocean as the crisp wind surrounded them, hinting at autumn.

Ashton glanced over at Luke fondly as the pair of them hurried along, taking in the scar on his jaw and the sparkling of his lovely blue eyes as his lips quirked into an unconscious smile. They’d been together for almost a year now and Ashton was still so grateful for every day they spent together.

Luke meant everything to him.

“They’re waiting for us,” the blond boy said suddenly, the smile evident in his voice, and Ashton found his own lips stretching into a grin as he followed his boyfriend’s gaze, taking in their friends. The lights to the pizza restaurant washed out gold into the early evening, and the four of them were waiting for Luke and Ashton by the entrance. Harry was leaning against the wall with his arms looped loosely around Louis’ waist, his chin resting on the older man’s shoulder as he smiled widely at Ashton.

Michael was waving at them, a scarf wrapped around his neck - so poorly-knitted that it could only have been made by Daryl - and his hand clasped firmly with Calum’s as the younger boy beamed at them, dimples creasing his cheeks.

“Took you long enough!” Michael yelled when they were close enough, rolling his green eyes fondly. His hair had been dyed a blondish-platinum colour now and it looked good on him if Calum’s lingering gaze was anything to go by.

“Sorry!” Luke grinned, not sorry at all. “There was traffic and then we had to wait in the car for the Good Charlotte song to end, and then maybe we got a little bit distracted -”

“No one wants to hear about your car sex,” Louis said instantly but he was smiling all the same as he reached to ruffle Ashton’s curls up messily. “How’re you doing, you two? You guys look good!”

“But not as good as me, yes?” Harry checked instantly. Louis sniggered, twisting to press a kiss to the underside of his boyfriend’s jaw.

“Of course not,” Louis said teasingly.

“Can we go eat pizza now?” Calum asked hopefully. “Because, like, catching up sounds amazing and everything but I’m really hungry so we should probably do something about that.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Michael joked, winking when Calum pouted at him. “C’mon then, lovebug. You better lead the way. You’re the one who found this restaurant after all.”

“Only because I’m going to start _working_ here,” the dark-haired boy protested but his tone was mild. Ashton shot him a vaguely sympathetic smile.

Michael was currently taking a gap year before he went away to university overseas (and spending a _lot_ of time writing songs on his guitar) and Calum was working extra hard - both on his studies and at saving his wages - so that he’d have enough money to go and study with his boyfriend when it was finally time for them to go.

Ashton knew it wasn’t easy saving up money like that but the difference was that Calum actually _loved_ the idea of going away to learn. It was all he’d wanted for a very long time and they all supported it, even if they _would_ miss the pair of them a lot when they left Australia behind. The thought still brought a lump to Ashton’s throat sometimes but he knew it wasn’t the end. Calum and Michael would come back to visit, and Luke and Ashton could follow them to America too. Three years wasn’t such a long time really.

“Are we sharing pizzas?” Ashton asked curiously once they’d been seated. Harry tugged a menu towards himself possessively - apparently not keen on sharing, much to Louis’ amusement - but Luke shrugged, smiling easily.

“If you want to, sweetheart,” he smiled and Ashton snorted, shaking his head vehemently.

“Not a chance,” he said. “You don’t like Hawaiian. That’s almost grounds for breaking up right now.”

“Eurgh,” Louis said as he shot Ashton a disgusted look. “You actually _like_ Hawaiian? I can’t believe I employed you for so long. It’s probably a _good_ thing I’m leaving.”

“How dare you?!” Ashton was giggling now, face buried in his hands as his glasses slid down his nose. Luke’s arm was warm around his shoulders and Calum’s smile was fixed firmly on his face as he leant against his boyfriend, tucked safely beneath Michael’s arm.

“Sorry, Ash,” Louis teased, winking as he settled back more comfortably in his chair, fingers tangled with Harry’s. “I just have to get all the teasing out before Harry and I leave next week.”

“Still can’t believe you’re _all_ going to leave me and Ash here,” Luke said teasingly as he looked at the four of them. His eyes were soft though and they all knew him well enough to know that Luke was only joking. “First Mikey and Cal decide they’re going to America, and then Lou and Rapunzel decide they’re going travelling -”

“To France,” Harry interjected happily.

“- and now you’re teasing us on our last triple date together.” Luke was only joking about the triple date thing but, now that he said it, Ashton figured there was actually a lot of truth in it. The six of them had been spending a lot of time together these last few months, especially since Ashley had moved back home to Adelaide, and Ashton could feel the end drawing near.

He’d miss them but this wasn’t over. Maybe it never would be.

“Maybe you’re right,” Louis said and, despite his sparkling eyes, there was something a little melancholy in his eyes all the same. “We’ve had some fun this last year, haven’t we?”

“Try this last _decade_ ,” Calum muttered and his chocolate brown eyes were unbearably fond as he caught Ashton’s gaze. “I don’t think us travelling to new places is going to stop this. Skype is still a thing, right? As are planes…”

“You’re so sarcastic,” Michael said with a large amount of approval. “It’s one of my favourite things about you.”

“I can think of a few more things he enjoys,” Harry said but he broke off with a slightly pained smirk when Calum kicked him under the table.

“Is that why you’re taking Louis to France?” Ashton asked instantly. “So he can learn to… _speak French_ better?”

“You’re terrible!” Harry complained loudly, trying not to laugh as Louis pretended to be offended. “You’re the worst best friends I’ve ever had!”

“Oh please,” Luke muttered, winking stupidly and making Ashton giggle. “You love us.”

“Yeah, I do,” Harry said and there was something softer in his tone now that seemed to spread to all of them as a waitress came over to take their order.

Their chose what food they wanted - Calum hated ordering in restaurants so Michael had to pick for him - and the atmosphere turned calmer as they talked quietly together, basking in the warmth and the comfort they could feel as they sat there together, warm smiles on their faces.

“Did I tell you guys about mum?” Ashton asked suddenly and Luke smiled secretly, looking away because Ashton had already told him this story earlier. The others looked up curiously and Calum tilted his head to one side like a puppy as he tried to figure out what Ashton meant.

“What is it?” Michael asked, running a hand through his messy blondish hair idly.

“My mum has a boyfriend now,” Ashton said, unsure whether to be thrilled or creeped out. In the end, he settled on the former because that felt a little more mature and a _lot_ kinder.

“Apparently all those evenings when she told me she was working late? Yeah… not quite.”

“Oh wow,” Michael sniggered, burying his laugh in Calum’s neck. “Your mum has game, Ash.”

“Don’t even start!” the curly-haired boy said, wagging his finger in as threatening a manner as he could manage. “I’m trying to be happy because I don’t want her to be lonely or whatever but it’s creepy if you say that.”

“My bad,” Michael said, smiling easily. “Although I don’t think you have to worry about anything, Ash. There’s only room for one person in my heart and he’s sitting right next to me.”

Calum made a little ‘aww’ sound while Harry mimed being sick and Michael smiled serenely as he drew his boyfriend into a hug.

“I’m such a good boyfriend,” Michael said knowledgeably and Ashton laughed when Calum rolled his eyes fondly, unable to deny it.

“You’re not the worst,” Calum admitted and Michael’s burnt face crinkled as he smiled.

The six of them fell quiet when the waitress brought their food over to them and the next twenty minutes were mostly quiet as they shovelled food into their mouths, humming along to the music playing quietly on the radio.

Ashton fed Luke a mouthful of Hawaiian pizza and the blond boy pulled a face, chewing slowly with a considering look on his face before he gave an uncertain shrug.

“It’s not _quite_ as horrendous as I imagined,” Luke finally admitted and Ashton smiled triumphantly, taking that as the slightly questionable victory it was.

“Imagined? Wait - so you’d never even _tried_ it when you said you didn’t like it?”

“What can I say, sweetheart?” Luke asked with a stupidly cute smile on his face. “You’ve made me try new things.”

“Are you talking about sex toys?” Harry asked and Luke spluttered, inhaling pizza crumbs. Ashton flicked a few drops of his drink at the French boy before he focused on thumping Luke on the back.

“Don’t kill my boyfriend, Rapunzel, or I’ll be quite irritated with you.”

“ _Irritated_ ,” Michael repeated with a snort. “There’s an understatement.”

*

The rest of the evening passed pleasantly, with ridiculous jokes and quiet laughter.

Calum tried to think up new names for Bumper Stiltskin - none of them were as good/bad (depending on your perspective) - and Michael wondered aloud which songs he should try to teach himself next for his new YouTube channel.

Harry and Louis were watching the other four like their jokes were some sort of competitive sport now, and Luke’s beautiful face was undeniably fond as Ashton traced hearts in the palm of his boyfriend’s hand with his fingertip.

“We should have a toast,” Louis said suddenly, looking around at them with a surprisingly soft smile on his usually scowling face. “To us. To our friendship, right?”

“Sure,” Ashton said softly, his hazel eyes twinkling as he smiled. “Here’s to us.”

“Here’s to Mikey and Cal,” Luke added, raising his drink to them; to their plans and their hopes and their dreams; to university and America and Michael’s music maybe _finally_ taking off.

“And to Louis and Harry,” Michael said, his emerald green eyes gentle as he clinked his glass against his boyfriend’s, thinking of France and the coffee shop and how many good memories the six of them had made in that place.

“And to Ashy and Luke,” Calum finished, his hand finding Ashton’s across the table. “You guys are the best friends I’ve ever had.”

“I love you all,” Ashton said and the sentiment was echoed back to him by all of them.

Ashton thought again of how exciting his friends’ lives were about to become as they unfolded but he wasn’t sad about the way his own life had worked out. He and Luke were just quietly hopeful, their hands linked as they sat close together in the booth. Ashton’s head rested on Luke’s shoulder and Luke’s lips brushed his honey-coloured curls gently.

Ashton didn’t care where they ended up now. So long as they had each other, he figured that was all that really mattered in the end.

They split the bill when the evening came to an end and emptied out onto the dark street outside. They hugged Harry and Louis tightly, with arms wrapped tightly around waists and faces buried in necks, and Ashton didn’t want to let go when he finally stepped back.

The two of them would be on a plane out of Australia next week and it felt surreal to see them now, even as Ashton clasped Louis’ hand firmly and tugged playfully at one of Harry’s curls. They were beginning to grow back longer now and Ashton was glad of it.

“You two take care of each other, okay? Or I’m gonna hear about it,” Ashton joked, his eyes sparkling with poorly-suppressed tears behind his glasses.

“We will,” Louis promised, giving Ashton’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as Harry pulled him into a hug. “So long as you four look after each other too, yeah?”

“Deal,” Luke said, giving them a watery smile as he let his head fall to rest on Michael’s shoulder. The blue-haired boy wrapped his arm around Luke’s waist, still cuddling Calum close on the other side, and Ashton smiled fondly from his place in Luke’s arms as Louis and Harry waved goodbye, starting the slow walk back to the older man’s flat where they lived together now.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” Michael said suddenly and his voice was thick in the quiet, tight with what was probably tears. “So, so much.”

“We both will,” Calum agreed, sniffing as he dried his eyes subtly with his sleeve. “You promise to call us all the time? Even on weeknights?”

“Especially on weeknights,” Ashton promised, squeezing his best friend’s hand firmly. “You can bet on that.”

“Okay,” Michael said thickly and Luke’s smile was fond as he brushed a tear from Michael’s burnt cheek with the back of his hand. The older boy closed his eyes and Luke let his forehead fall to rest once more on Michael's shoulder.

“Okay,” Luke whispered.

Ashton pulled Calum into a hug and Michael pulled Luke close, and the four of them just held each other for a little while, their arms wrapped tightly around each other as the night grew closer.

“I love you guys,” Ashton said for the second time that evening, the words climbing out of him without his permission because there was nothing else left to say now. ‘Goodbye’ felt too permanent and ‘We’ll see you soon’ seemed pointless but… but you could never go wrong with ‘I love you’.

Ashton had found that out when he’d fallen in love with Luke.

They parted eventually, Luke and Ashton lingering arm in arm as they watched their two best friends walking away in the other direction as they headed towards the older boy’s car.

The stars were twinkling in the sky overhead now and Luke’s fingers felt cool when Ashton entwined their fingers together. He raised his boyfriend’s hand to press a kiss to his fingertips and Luke smiled, tilting Ashton’s head up gently and pressing a kiss to his lips as a light mist of rain began to fall.

Ashton loved Luke more than anything and, luckily, Luke loved him back.

They had the best meet-cute in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I can't believe it's finally over but I'm glad it is in a way. I loved writing it but I think these characters deserve to go live their own lives now without me making it crazy angsty for them at every turning.  
> I'm so pleased you've all stuck around though and I really can't thank you enough for this :)  
> Also I just wanted to say that I found the friendships in this fic (i.e. Ash and Cal, and especially Mike and Luke) to feel much more special than just the Lashton and the Malum, and I wondered if you guys thought that too?  
> Please let me know what you thought and I can't wait to hear your favourite bits :)  
> I love you all so much <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you thought <3  
> I can't wait to write the rest!


End file.
